C.S. Lewis gives a voice to so many of the feelings of my heart--and I love him for that! As tends to be a habit of mine...I am reading 4 books for pleasure (not to mention the New Testament, Book of Mormon, 10 for school and 2 others relative to my most intriguing courses) but 2 of those books are by C.S. Lewis, 'The problem of Pain,' and 'A Grief Observed' As I lay in bed trying desperately to fall asleep (I have to be up in just a few hours to be at my shift in the Provo Temple) Lewis' words came to mind...
"Many things--such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly--are done worst when we try hardest to do them."
The aforementioned words came to mind for many reasons--some more obvious than others as the clock is ticking and a time stamp will appear on this when I publish it...
The other reasons may be less obvious.
I recently had a conversation with my mom that made me sad and angry and frustrated all at the same time--since then I have reflected back on why--I have studied the doctrine of the gospel trying to find a refute--I have sought to cultivate greater faith on the matter--I had just broken off a decent relationship with a good guy--and my mom was annoyed at me for it--she really liked him...
I kept trying to love him. I am fully aware that the decision to love is entirely up to me--sure there are factors that make it easier--but it is not something I fall into, or expect God to force upon me, or sit around apathetically awaiting it's receipt... but the harder I tried to force it... the more frustrated I became with myself and him, and everything dear to me...I knew it was not what I was looking for long term. And so in talking to my mom, she asked me why.
Honestly, there were 3 main reasons:
First, the temple was not a priority to him at all--he just plain wouldn't make time to go and hasn't since his mission. As a temple ordinance worker--my spirit would feel so constrained if bound to someone so lackadaisical. I want someone that I can grow with, and study with, and increase in light and knowledge with...
Second, missionary work was something that he did for 2 years and now doesn't really care about--home teaching is something to do if convenient, and service to others is very limited. Every time I talked about sharing the gospel with a friend, or classmate, or giving a Book of Mormon away he was visibly annoyed with me. He spoke of his mission as though he was glad it was over and never wanted to live the things he learned there. When discussing obedience he laughed at the rules--I confided in him that I had not broken a single rule in my full-time service as a missionary--he laughed out loud at that. When speaking of people we saw accept the gospel--I told him that more of my friends have become converted in Florida or Provo--he thought this was an obvious waste of my time... Finally I stopped sharing with him things like this that are dear to my heart.
Thirdly, he doesn't want to acknowledge or do anything about emotional issues from his family of origin. Don't worry--I of all people do NOT expect someone to come from a perfect family, or to have no emotional baggage--to do so would entirely annihilate my hopes of anyone accepting where I come from, or any self-acceptance, or the refining power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ in my own life--but that being said I also refuse to bury my head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong. If I am struggling with something I seek resources and wisdom beyond my own. If I need I will counsel with an ecclesiastical leader, or a therapist, or to read a book on the matter, or simply to bring it to God and seek guidance--I do--I will continue to do so.
I explained these things to my mother...
[silence]
"Well, dear..."
[she starts out, her tone even more annoyed with me...]
"I don't think there is anyone else out there who lives like you after your mission, I mean really, I just think you are being unreasonable."
It made me sick to my stomach. 1. I just had to hope and pray that she was/is wrong and 2. I wondered if she had heard anything that I said--either way I had to end our conversation before I started to cry.
Not knowing what to do next... I went to get the mail and what was in it...? The August Ensign, with the cover story reading "Single and Steadfast: Lessons in Hope" I Love God! *And, I realized just now... my concerns in our relationship can basically be summed up as the 3-fold mission of the church... I feel a little more validated in my decision now, after all I've had more peace since our relationship ended than I ever did while dating.
I think one of the reasons that I was so easily upset when talking to my mother, and trying to remain unaffected, or trying to force myself to move forward in a relationship of varying ideals is because I fear sometimes that I am being unreasonable, or that I am getting older, or wondering if I should settle... but all fear set aside, I know better than that. In the Book of Mormon, the children of Lehi, and those of Ishmael were in the wilderness--and still the Lord knowing their hearts arranged for as many as were righteous to attract and marry such righteousness (1 Nephi 16) and for whatever reason, I still have things to work on, areas of my life to refine, goals to pursue, knowledge to attain. I know the things I am learning now will make me a better wife and mother, they are allowing me to obtain greater patience, to seek opportunities to serve in my community, to pursue multiple degrees etc.
And don't get me wrong--if you are reading this and know the person I was dating--he is wonderful. I love how he made me laugh and all the fun that we had--just as far as the substantial and deep nature of our relationship--we just were not at the same place. It is funny--and a great blessing--but in this relationship-- for the first time I began to see that the trials in our lives really do help us to grow and set in clearer focus the things that are most important. And 3 years ago, I probably would have ecstatically jumped at his desire to get married thinking that the substance and ideals will come with time...
But as for now I will faithfully adhere to my hopes and dreams and the ideals for love and marriage and service and progress. As C.S. Lewis states:
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
For me it is not so much about the party and the rush anymore, I want to love and serve someone, to make it easier for him to live the gospel and reach his full-potential. I love knowing someone well enough that you know just how to make them smile--and doing that for them. I love seeing someone for all they are--both strengths and weaknesses--and not expecting them to change, but also not reinforcing them in those weaknesses. So, for those of you, like my mother, who wonder why you have not gotten a wedding announcement from me... I must still have things I need to learn so as to be more complete and to have more to offer...
