A True Friend...

In listening to the Mormon Channel--something I tend to do when I need hope or peace...one of the "music with a message" shared was about true friends... those who make it easier to feel the Love of God, to keep going when times are difficult, that help you to be the best you are...and this caused my mind to draw upon the many people in my life that I am thankful for--this includes--but is not limited to the following. In no particular order:

Emily, Erin, Michelle, Russell, Robbie, Justin, Bs. Flanagan, Christianne, Christi, Bro. Mac, Tayrn, Kellie, Jim, Bs & Sis Hardy, Pr & Sis Angelos, Lorelie, Isaac, Sydney, Stockton, Samantha, Hadyn, Olivia, Cassia, Buck, Lacey, Lance, Bs. Child, Guia, Sunny, Ace & Diane, Lorie, Louise, Brent, Teresa, Brian, Robertta, Brooke, Liz, Matt, Jeff, Nikki, JOyce, Jayne, Adam, Elena, Elena, Kati, Catie, Katie, Breann, Lisa, Alex, Daniel, Stephanie, Rebecca, Nicole, Kaylie, Allicia, Kristine, Lindsey, Amy, Andrew, John, Jon, Spencer, Kathie, Gary, Stefani, Kaila, Kyle, Nelson & Meri, Grma Spiker, Riley, Alivia, Courtney, Kim, Suzanne, Laura, Rachel, Heather, Nan, Emma, Dayla, Ryan, Weston, Emryn, Jenny, Sarah, River, Sue... and so many others that this is just glimpse into the gratitude I hold in my heart for the true friends I have.

Cougars Take the Utes

Cougars beat the Utes at home...
By a miraculous turn of events...Samantha had her wish granted--with tickets on the third row and a great win. And as far as I am concerned Max Hall was the "classless" one the day.

Thanksgiving & Birthday Pics...

What Are You Thankful For?

I must say I have not been as quick to thank God this year as I ought. It is not that my heart is not full--just broken and full.

The words of Elder Dallin Oaks of the LDS church spoke to me, "let us give thanks for what we are and for the circumstances God has given us for our personal journey through mortality."

I happened to be have my brother's blog up while reading that talk--and "God Bless the Broken Road" by Selah and couldn't help but think how the trials in my life have molded me into who I am today. Last years broken engagement with Jason coupled with this year falling quickly and deeply in love with someone who has made choices that make him incapable of loving or keeping covenants at this time--although all he wants to be with me forever--has broken parts of my heart I was not aware could be broken--even in losing Scott to suicide.

So many of the things I am grateful for are a result of the trials in my life. I may not be altogether thankful for the event but for the resultant growth I am indeed grateful to God.

From the unhealthy home I grew up in--I've been so driven to learn to love and learn a better way. I studied Home and Family Living in the School of Family Life and have been able to see, feel and integrate the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and home. I have grown in appreciation for the great marriages my brothers are in and how they treat the women in their lives. I am so thankful for the time I am able to spend with Sydney, Stockton, Samantha, Hadyn & Olivia. Especially with them living far away I am grateful for every picture they've drawn, ever time we ate at Chick-fil-a, every laugh, smile, tear and even knowing I was able to be there for Syd when she puked on me the night before Brad's wedding. I love my mother and brothers and I even love my father enough to no longer allow him to treat me the way he has. I have been strengthened to break chains of abuse and manipulation that will forever affect the lives of my posterity. I have been able to stand on my own two feet financially without any person or debt controlling my life. I have learned to distinguish between wants and needs--most of the time ;) I know that it is only in and through the help of God that this is possible and am so thankful for His divine assistance. I have also come to appreciate the good people in every phase of my life--the Lake family that showed me the love of God applied in family life and gave me the initial courage to fight for it. For the Duke, Page, Leigh, Bigelow, James & Cash families who opened their homes and heart to me as well. For Inu who was always there for me. For the friends--too numberable to articulate--for good men, my uncle, my mom's home teacher, Bishop Child, Bishop Angelos, Bro. Mac, Bishop Hardy, Bishop Flanagan, and the many many more who have extended the hand of the Lord to me.

Losing my brother to suicide I have come to appreciate every kind act, word, card, text, hug or sign of affection that I give or receive from those I love. I have learned that all those times I "took too many pictures" are now priceless gems of memories that could grow dim without the reminder. I have learned to say I love you. I have learned to say I am sorry--and actually mean it. I have learned so much about the plan of happiness that God has for us--the role of agency and the importance of using our agency to make choices that bring joy rather than sorrow. I have learned that although God will not force and outcome--He WILL give us the strength to endure. I have learn to trust in Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me, and although I cannot see that--or even conceptualize that at times--I believe. I have had to develop much greater faith to endure, and have the hope of better learning to endure well. Thank you Lord for enabling me to do these things when I don't disable myself through insolence.

Through my own heart breaks I have come to appreciate so much more my brother Brad--as I watched he and his wife speak in church 10 days ago and held their beautiful sleeping daughter Olivia, I thought of two women he loved and how poorly he was treated and how unhealthy those relationships were--and I see his "ideal family" now and am so thankful for the way his life turned out and have the same hope that I one day too will look back in gratitude for the pain of not getting what I wanted when I wanted it. I am learning patience. And am thankful for God helping me have strength to carry on or get back up again when I fall.

I have had so many wonderful opportunities to gain an education. Attending Brigham Young University--please note the football win last Saturday--and know that I think Hall was the classless one of the day. Studying visual arts at Santa Reparata in Florence Italy and traveling through Europe was an exceptional opportunity that helped me grow and develop talents and decide to serve a mission. Graduating from Massage School and opening a business as an LMT has given the opportunity to learn things that once horrified me--like anatomy and cadaver labs--and learning that I am capable of great success, of supporting myself while I finish BYU (almost entirely independent--sincere thanks to those of you who know who you are ;) Thanks be to God and the people in my life who have made these things possible. Tithe payers who make a BYU education available to people like myself.

Such great opportunities to work--especially with an unstable economy, working with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has given me the opportunity to focus my life goals and see what I want to be doing--while bringing resources to thousands here in Utah that previously didn't exist. I have always been blessed with the capacity and desire to work--whether waiting tables, working as a photographer, teaching, or as a massage therapist--I am so grateful to God for these opportunities.

Having my digestive organs shut down as a full-time missionary I learned to better appreciate my health. I have had stitches, broken arms, ribs, and many knee injuries that have helped me appreciate what I am capable of and to see and accept my limitations. The miracle of the human body, the ability to ski, play basketball, workout, swim, walk, run, hike, climb... and so many other blessings. Just the capacity to breathe or for skin to heal or hair to grow or digest food. The ability to feel human touch and to see or hear--Thank you God.

The gift I've had to serve has been one of the greatest in my life. At times I have felt entirely incapable or unqualified to serve God and the people around me--God has trusted me as I imagine a good father would--with the opportunity to learn and grow into what he wants me to become. I felt this a great deal as we traveled in Europe serving people in countries when I could barely speak to communicate with the people, as a full-time missionary, as Relief Society president--oh the many mistakes I made the first time around--I even got a second to chance to better delegate, trust in others, allow them to thrive and accomplish the vision they created, as a teacher in the MTC--especially in the referral center when I was afraid to open my mouth when there as a missionary--to grow through that. Learning to pray aloud or read scriptures in front of people. Learning to look beyond myself. Serving in the temple--the house of the Lord--seeing an example of a house set in perfect order--and knowing I wasn't capable of those things without complete reliance on Him, the chance to serve in compassionate service as I try to look beyond myself this holiday season--Thank you Lord for entrusting me with such opportunities.

I committ today to try and better accept the invitation to "thank the Lord thy GOd in all things" even those that may seem to impale my heart.