Better Late than Never...Eh?!?

Well, I must first apologize for my delinquency in writing this… I felt earlier that I needed to—and well—today was just a difficult day.

I tried everything to keep my head out of the clouds of despair—I ran/biked/row’d for 2 hours at the gym this morning, then went for a run and sat outside in the sunshine. I kept lunch plans with an old friend I hadn’t seen in months, went to visit a couple of girls in my ward, wrote a postcard to my favorite lil’ Buckeyes, went to my favorite place of peace, studied the scriptures a great deal, was able to do something for a friend, pulled out some old healing & recovery books… And in so doing at least was able to look at it for what it was—a veryharduglynogoodverybad day—even amid the veryharduglynogoodverybad parts of the day there were many blessings. In fact, the whole day wasn’t all together terrible…I just got word that a family I have grown to love very much has separated, and I was also trying to sort through all the pictures on my computers for transfer/backup to an external hard drive… I am not ready to go through all the pictures yet, and I don’t ever want to be so desensitized that I am ‘ready’ for news that a family has chosen to go their separate ways.

And NOW…after that incredibly long disclaimer as to why I postponed writing this…
At 3:55pm today I started an entry entitled ‘True Friends…’ mainly because of the way my life has been blessed by genuine and enduring friendships. Particularly because it was 1 year ago yesterday that I met Christianne Mohr—a friend like no other. I got to talk to her yesterday and as we reminisced over the lifetime of changes that have taken place in our lives—my heart was filled with gratitude.

When I left Provo just over one year ago I went to Florida. At this point in time I felt I had come to the end of my rope. Life—and other people’s decisions had dealt me some pretty rough cards and I just did not have sufficient faith for the trials at hand. I needed more faith. I needed greater trust in God. I needed to know that with his help I truly could endure…but the thought did cross my mind that I could go to Florida and disappear, no one would ever even know I was there—go lay on a beach—drown my sorrows in the ocean and any other drug of choice…I still struggled with Scott’s death and hated myself that I wasn’t able to do more to help him want to live…

Luckily for me 2 of the people I love most in the world flew down and met me the day I arrived—Sydney & Stockton. Having them there insured one thing—I would do everything in my capacity to ensure they felt my love and the love of God and had a fantastic time! We would go to church, play at the beach, make sandcastles, go to Disney World, sing songs and be happy and make yummy breakfast-lunch-dinner—and anything else they wanted. The first week was lived to the fullest! That first Sunday at the church in Boca I met Christianne. (Now mind you at this point I was living life to the fullest because of the love I had for Sydney & Stockton. I didn’t feel like anyone, including God, could love me—after all I was not able to help my own brother find a desire to live.

How could God possibly bless someone flawed and imperfect like me? How could he possibly send lifelong, genuine, forgiving & charitable friends to me? How could he care about whether or not I had a roof over my head? How could he love me at a time when I didn’t love myself and didn’t think anyone in the world could love me? I’m not sure, but He does. That is the best part. He knows everything from the end to the beginning. He knows all my flaws and imperfections and He still loves me. He knew I would bail mid-semester on classes @ BYU, He knew I wouldn’t graduate when everyone else thought I should. He knew I didn’t know how to cope with the abuse and emotional issues stemming from a dysfunctional family of origin, He knew I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to go to church, He knew I was still angry and felt like no one in the world or church understood my pain or could say or do anything helpful, He knew I felt that everyone I loved would eventually check out of my life whether it be via divorce or suicide or separation, and that is the one of the most beautiful and perplexing parts of the whole thing… HE KNOWS PERFECTLY. Somehow, through the life ministry & atonement, Jesus Christ suffered all that is beyond my present comprehension, so in those times when no one truly does understand—He does.

God also knew the best thing I could possibly have done to feel his love was to extend a hand of friendship and service to another who was suffering. When Christianne showed up in jeans that Sunday—she showed on the outside that she was as out of place as I felt on the inside. I truly didn’t know Christ. I didn’t trust Him enough to believe He could deliver me from the pains of hell, of self-contempt, or grief and despair. I guess you could say we had a casual relationship up until now—I was a fair weather friend—when life was great and when God blessed me for my good decisions—it was easy to follow Him and obey his commandments—but now I was doing all that I could and every part of my whole soul ached…I couldn’t see a blessing if it came up and introduced itself to me. And as such I wondered if all the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ I had taught as a missionary, to missionaries, and to others I love—if they really had the power to bring me to Christ—or if I had just wanted to believe so badly that there was something better out there that I had contrived in my own head a God and as such was rigidly following the rules that I hoped would allow me temporary relief from the reality of my life.

My number one reason in going to Florida was to find out if there really was a God—and if He really did love me—and my brother—and any of us imperfect people. And if there was a God I really wanted to strengthen my relationship with Him so that I again had a desire to love and serve and become like Him—and maybe even grow to love myself. This was something I had never done. I had gained small particles of identity that I loved—Sister Crist, the missionary, the MTC teacher, the relief society president. Ashley, the friend, the artist, the BYU student, the ski instructor, the rescuer. Aunt Ashwee, the all inclusive excuse to love unconditionally—but at the heart of all of this there was an fearful and insecure person that needed to do something great in order to earn the love and acceptance of those around me. In deepening my relationship with God, I have become even more aware of my flaws. I have seen even more clearly all my weaknesses. But I have also felt the love and guidance and friendship of the Lord more than ever before, and have gained an identity through that love that is not contingent upon any flawed or mortal perspective. It never wanes, nor tires, it never dies nor falls short—Christ never decides to walk away. Even after all my tantrums and faithlessness and disobedience and follies and imperfections—His hand is outstretched still. There is no person in this life or the next that is beyond the grasp of Savior Jesus Christ. He is my creator. He knew that I would be flawed and fall and falter in faith and cry out in frustration—and in so doing hopefully stop my own utterances long enough to hear His voice and accept his invitation to ‘Come unto [Him].’ I know that He loves me. I know that through His love I am enabled to face even my deepest fears—that through His love and mercy I can even love myself and allow myself to be loved by others.

Sometimes I feel like a little kid who is just learning lessons like how to get up when I fall, or how to say I am sorry when I hurt someone, or how to share even when I don’t want to, or how to trust that someone who says they love me really does, or how to acknowledge my feelings and take care of my needs, or how to cry when I am sad, or how to accept a compliment when it is extended-or a gift when it is given—One of the best lessons I am learning right now it to be grateful for those greatest gifts that involve the love and lasting friendship of another. There are few people who choose to love in such a pure and selfless way that it enables us to be better people—to open up and feel, to love and to serve and to heal. God has placed so many of these people around me that I would be ungrateful as to not mention a few just over the past few days…

There is my dear friend in Rexburg that reminds me to keep going and put one foot in front of the other even when life is hard or when you feel you ‘can’t stand up.’ One that shares with me both great laughter and great tears. One who extended to me a challenge as we spoke this evening to focus on at least 3 things that I am grateful for each day and then promised me blessings and arranged a time to follow-up with me and see how it went.

There is a new old friend that was the first to ask me if I knew God loved me—one who overlooked many imperfect actions on my part and drove hours to support me on a day I didn’t think I would physically or emotionally survive. One who has blessed my life as I’ve come back to face reality.

There is a sweet ecclesiastical leader that took the time to get to know me and to assist in the healing process when all he needed to do was sign the paper. One that didn’t make me feel as though there were 40 people waiting—even though there were. One that made me feel I was the most important person in the world and that God truly is aware.

There is the sweet and sincere friend who came up to me this morning at the gym and really cared to know how I was doing. Rather than skipping off to run, she stood and listened as well as catching me up on her life for nearly an hour. One that asks real questions and listens for truthful answers. One who cares about your well-being.

There is the sweet sister in the ward that called to tell me I was missed when I didn’t make it to our game today—I just didn’t want to play today. One that will still love me even though I didn’t make it.

There was the generous old friend that I was able to reconnect with today, one who saw a need and offered something she had that helped to fill that need. One that doesn’t pretend to be someone else and who inspires me to do the best I can. One who has been there through the thick and thin of it with me and who has allowed me that same privilege to be there for her.

AND then there is God. The loving and merciful friend who orchestrates all these blessings in my behalf. He is my perfect example. He is the only one that knows ‘exactly how I feel’ all the time. He forgives me when I do something amiss. He is the redeemer of my soul—both from death and sin—but also from unbelief and self-hate. If I do not allow my lack of faith or confidence in Him to disable His infinite love and power He extends to me His hand, an eternal binding love that enables me strength to endure and overcome and learn and grow and to become more like him. One who makes it possible to say—though flawed and imperfect—He loves me and I love myself.

All About Aesthetics...

I have been inspired by Jami and so many others with the great music & aesthetics on here... so I am in the process of remodeling... so if you are no longer on the link list it is only because I haven't gotten around to putting them on...

And... more great pics from my trip up North...still to come!!!

Late Night Delirium!!!

Fabulous to be freezing in REXBURG!!!

Currently it has warmed up to a sizzling 7 degrees here in Rexburg Idaho!

[Insert sarcasm here]

I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful Valentine's & President's Day weekend though! We got here last night in time to enjoy an interesting double blind date for Valentine's--good planning Christi ;)

My best friend Christianne is going to to school up here. Aside from staying up all night, having people on campus look at us like we were soberly intoxicated today (a very normal phenomenon for us) and eating slightly too many Reeses, Sour Patch Kids, conversation hearts, sugar cookies, popcorn and hot chocolate w/ marshmellows, homemade chips & salsa... it has been a very well-balanced weekend...if by 'well-balanced' I mean being sicker than a dog when we returned from the movie tonight--we really know how to have a good time!

Or as Christi said only moments ago... Ashley had so much fun she was embracing the porcelain goddess...
Which reminded me of a great story:

At the last church activity in Florida, while playing a game called 2 truths and a lie, one woman there said she had 'seen the throne of God' to which Christianne responded in her loving and coy way: "wait, you saw God's toilet!?!" Needless to say... the woman was was not very entertained by her childlike sense of humor--but I was.

Tomorrow we are headed up to Targhee to do some skiing & snowboarding--8" fresh powder today on an already monsterous base!

There is nothing like spending time with a quality friend with whom you can laugh and cry and be sick and do doughnuts in the parking lot with--After a long drive and a full day of work and school yesterday we had so much fun talking that the night turned into hours and the hours into minutes and the minutes into seconds which flew by as though we had never skipped a beat--very similar to our cross country road trip! There is just something about a friend who doesn't change according to weather, distance, proximity or age (he he he she'll always be older than I am) a truly timeless and non-judgmental friend that helps you reach your goals and loves you even when you no longer aspire to the same old goals.

Last night was wonderful--realizing that we've both made so much progress since the last all-night conversation--sharing the horror stories of the dating scene--as well as the wonderful romances and classic crushes that come with college life...
Christianne is an incredible friend--as the newspapers reported "on a whim flying to New York with me" to complete a 20 mile race, buying National Geographic from my 6-year-old niece who was selling magazines for her school, sitting through 'rat basketball' with me at the slightly disturbing (but endearing because of the company we were in) Cosi museum in Ohio, sleeping in Central Park wrapped like Pop Tarts, sharing 3 speeding tickets spanning 3 states, sporting the Christmas Tree costume in the car, locking the keys in the car, laughing till my tummy aches, water skiing Pineview on 3 sleepless nights, the lily pads on the water in Nauvoo, many days laying on beaches, OHH the Cheesecake Factory Chocolate cake!!! Cleaning nasty houses in Boca, selling water on the beach in Boca, the man at Lantana, CES Regional dances & firesides, Dori moments, bribing guard gates with cookies, 'Divine,' Serendipity, Church in Manhattan, sleeping in airports, not killing Delta, Sunday School, Gumby, Ether 12:27, Youth Ed-Week, mocking Nathan Pacheco, taking cookies to do-not-contacts, pedicures for prevention, teaching Institute...

There is nothing like the impact a true friend can have on ones life.

More to come...but for now..Nighty-night!!!

TOGETHER AGAIN SOMEDAY!!!

As everyone who knows anything about me...or knows nothing and just happens to read this blog...you know my brother Scott died just over a year and a half ago. I have gotten the opportunity to prepare the information for his temple work to be done today!

*For those (Like Hilary who just asked ;) I promise to add more detail this afternoon when I return.

Of all the things I have ever had the opportunity to be a part of--this one has brought me the most lasting joy. I know that it is our responsibility to do it and allow him the opportunity to do with it what he will!

More to come :)

Opposition in all things...

As many of you know... I am entirely enamored with my nieces and nephew... AND I love to post adorable pictures...favorite smiles...heartwarming memories etc. This one for instance is at 'hammy's house' when God had not yet been thanked for the meal... and she put her little head down and just waited until the food had been blessed.

My personal study this week has been in the second Book of Nephi... from the Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ (http://scriptures.lds.org/en/bm/introduction) In it, Nephi is recording the doctrinal teachings of his father Lehi who was a prophet roughly 600 years before Christ came, at the time Jerusalem was destroyed. By divine design Lehi and his family left Jerusalem, preserved the records of the people, and journeyed in the wilderness.

Personally I think it would have been a great adventure...though I doubt they had MSR WhisperLites...

No, seriously they suffered great hardships. Lack of food, possessions, the comforts of home, they even gave birth to chidren while dwelling in tents. After sharing incredible insight as to the nature of and educating value of opposition, Lehi makes his declaration that after having been subject to both the good and the bad...we are then enabled to 'choose the good part.' (http://scriptures.lds.org/en/2_ne/2)

I thought a great deal about the things I appreciate, and why I appreciate them. One of the simple joys I have in life is laughing with children that I love... or beautiful moments like this where Samantha understood the importance of prayer... I know for a fact that I would not appreciate the good times so much with no exposure to the bad. For instance how would I know the difference between silence having heard no noise. How would I differentiate between laughter and tears if I had known no sorrow? I love that at the point I am at in my life... it is entirely up to me how I will act and what I will choose. I am excited and know that for every decision there is a consequence--and when we do as the Lord asks we are truly blessed. Bring on the blessings!!!

And yes, I realize that not all blessings come as we desire... but they will come as what is best for us. So whenever I feel sorrow, pain, fear, anger or any difficult emotion... I will revel in the reality that because of it I can better feel and appreciate joy, comfort, faith & contentment...

And so it is in taking the good with the bad that I find myself endowed with the capacity to appreciate opposition in all things... and find myself able to choose the better part...

Always A Serious Face...

LOVIN' THE COLD!!!

Just outside Midway, Utah
Sunset Provo Canyon
Wind Chill -20*
From the Base of Bridal Veil Falls, Provo Canyon
Back Mountain Sundance, UT
Snowshoeing Park City, UT
Bend of The Upper Provo River
Just Outside Heber City, UT
My little car's first snow bath...

A Tribute to President Gordon B. Hinckley:

President Gordon B. Hinckley, A prophet, seer, revelator, example & friend.

This week one of the most influential men in my life died. Ever since the time I became converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, Gordon B. Hinckley has served as the president of the church. The first doctrinal sermon I remember was given by President Hinckley in November 2000--I had the opportunity to be there in person--and near the end of his talk--he prayed for us (the youth of the church).

Up until this point in my life I had never had that experience of someone praying out loud for my welfare. Hearing someone petition God in my behalf. Knowing that he loved me and wanted the best for me. This was a very powerful confirmation to me that the choices I had made to live my life according to the teachings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ was the correct decision--even if I still didn't have all the answers that I wanted, I knew that I couldn't let what I didn't know keep me from what I did know--God loves me--and through his mouthpiece--or prophet--he was telling me that.

Time passed and I attended Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. I had many opportunities to hear President Gordon B. Hinckley speak and was able to study his life & his words, both written and spoken. How my love for this sweet man grew.

Here was a man more than 70 years older than me who put me to shame with his level of energy and optimism and devotion to righteousness--only not in a condemning way--not to make me feel guilty or to despair that I would never be good enough--in a purely exemplary, loving, Christ-like & motivating way--I wanted to be better.

My second year at BYU I was able to study abroad in Italy, Switzerland, France & England. Here I was able to learn from & with many other saints many of whom I shared only my faith in God with. Here I realized that the doctrine of the Gospel of Jesus Christ does not change according to culture, race, language, ethnicity, age nor life experience. God is the same. His teachings are the same. I had the opportunity to testify of Jesus Christ and my love for him in each country that we studied in, and in so doing found an even greater love than I had before understood.

I wanted to share my love of God and His teachings and the happiness I had found as I studied and applied those principles in my own life. I decided to serve a mission. I was called to serve in the Washington Spokane Mission, and honestly was a little disappointed that it wasn't more exotic...or at least more than an hours plane ride from home... I had to wrestle with my pride and discovered from God that this was truly where I needed to be, that through His Prophet I had been called to serve there, and I decided in that moment to serve with all my heart might mind and strength. I loved hearing about President Hinckley's own mission to England where he'd had a hard time and his father told him to forget himself and go to work... it was such a great example to me.

While serving a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I came to an even greater appreciation of Jesus Christ and His servants here on the Earth. I studied the lives and teaching of God's chosen servants and I desired so badly to "waste and wear out my life" serving God as they did. While I was in Washington and the surrounding area, I had many choice experiences that have helped to shape me and reach a greater divine potential. One of the experiences that really stuck with me, relative to President Hinckley involves my dear sweet niece Sydney.

One day my family had gathered for dinner and everyone had gotten their drinks and had sat down to eat when Sydney(2 1/2) questioned everyone as to their choice or beverage. When she got to her dad, his response was beer. Sydney then told him how beer was bad for him. Scott being annoyed and questioning her source for such information asked her where she heard that, to which she sweetly responded, "Pwezident Hinkwee." I decided to write a little note to President Hinckley and tell him this experience and to thank him for teaching not only me, but also all of the children. How badly I wanted my brother to understand the importance of what his sweet daughter had tried to teach him that day.

While I was in Washington, President Hinckley lost his dear sweet wife. It was April 6, 2004. How my heart ached for him. I had only ever seen him happy and optimistic and full of life--he openly grieved and spoke of how dearly he missed her. He had such a love and reverie for women. I did not grow up in an environment where women were respected. I loved hearing him speak of his daughters and grand-daughters and women that he worked with in the church. It gave me such hope that there were/are men in the world who feel that way and act accordingly. Whether in jest or outright women were cut down and mocked in my family, never to be smart enough, nothing of value to contribute or accomplish. My brother still 'tunes out' during general conference when women speak. I love and appreciate President Hinckley for being one of the first men to show me that as a woman I have worth.

I got ill on my mission and had to return home early. I was devastated. I asked for a blessing before leaving Washington and in it was reminded that even the prophet and apostles get sick and that through such physical ailments would have many opportunities to have my faith tried and to develop greater spiritual strength. I worked for months trying to get my health to where I could return to full-time service, but not feeling 100% and knowing that I couldn't serve with anything but all my heart might mind and strength, I returned to school to complete my education and allow my body to recover. I had a greater amount of time to dedicate to my study of the lives and words of God's chosen prophets. My love and respect for them continued to grow. I was perplexed how at 95 years old President Hinckley--while grieving the loss of his eternal companion, and battling cancer could face life as enthusiastically as he did--and continually remind me that "this is not a gospel of doom and gloom..." Oh how badly i wanted to internalize that sentiment. I kept trying. I wanted to do as President Hinckley reminded us often and to "stand a little taller."

I was able to again attend school and had the privilege of teaching others to serve as missionaries. Working in the Missionary Training Center (MTC) in Provo Utah was very possibly one of my favorite experiences. It was wonderful being able to help missionaries learn & hopefully start them off at a place of greater advancement then I had been. I loved being able to attend devotionals/large group meetings where leaders of the church were instructing the missionaries and to continue learning from them.

At this time I also had the privilege of serving as the president of the women’s organization in the congregation of my church that I attended… I think the experience is best summed up by my sister-in-law who is not a member of my same faith, but who is a wonderful faithful woman and who very insightfully said… “well Ash it’s not because you have all the answers it is because you have the most to learn from this opportunity to serve right now in your life.” How right she was. I learned a greater deal of reverence for the leaders of the church and especially President Hinckley as I struggled with things like delegating responsibility and having some people not want to accept the invitation to serve. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and at times felt entirely overwhelmed, like there weren’t enough hours in the day, or like all my efforts still were insufficient for the task at hand… Then I would look to President Hinckley and the way he delegates even to people like me who have no idea how to run an organization and how much trust and faith he places in us—and how he does so with such joy and enthusiasm… Laurel was right I did/do have so much to learn!

Time continued to pass and life got more challenging. I was faced with the choice between multiple right decisions…these are much harder for me—I like to do everything that is right and sometimes it is just not possible. The choice between right and wrong is already made in my mind so it doesn’t produce any anxiety…but all these good things caused my little mind to swim. My brother was not doing well. I knew that. I didn’t really want to face it…but it began to blatantly face me.

In September of 2005 I felt that I needed to quit working at the MTC, heartbroken I went to tell my boss. I tried to explain to her, but I wasn’t even entirely sure as to why I was quitting—until the moment I spoke to her and said it was because I needed to spend more time with my brother and his kids. I then explained some of the events that had transpired and how I knew that no one could take my place as a Sister or in the calling I had received to serve the sisters in my ward (congregation)…but that there were plenty of good missionaries recently returned from service that could teach missionaries. I felt like I was giving up the most stable part of my life.

My brother Scott continued to get sicker and checked himself into a drug rehab program in SLC. Because of my altered scheduled I was able to go and visit him weekly. He included me much more in his struggle. I was able to give him a copy of the Book of Mormon with my thoughts, feelings and experience with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I included in it the incredible promise from President Gordon B. Hinckley, “Without reservation I promise you that if each of you will observe this simple program, regardless of how many times you previously may have read the Book of Mormon, there will come into your lives and into your homes an added measure of the Spirit of the Lord, a strengthened resolution to walk in obedience to His commandments, and a stronger testimony of the living reality of the Son of God” (Liahona and Ensign, Aug. 2005, 6)

Knowing Scott’s frustration with people who profess to be of God and yet judge and criticize and condemn, I also included the promise from Elder Wirthlin that “the Church is not a place where perfect people gather to say perfect things, or have perfect thoughts, or have perfect feelings. The Church is a place where imperfect people gather to provide encouragement, support, and service to each other as we press on in our journey to return to our Heavenly Father.” How grateful I was/am for the leaders of the church who can better articulate and more graciously state simple truths such as those when oft times I am incapable of doing so. Such incredible prophetic blessings.

The trials continued well into the following semester. It was a great blessing that I was quite busy… But that wouldn’t last long...

June 2nd 2006 I went for a quick jog before heading up to the lake with friends to water ski, and a temple worker hit me with his truck.

Now on bed rest, I watched helplessly as those I loved progressed farther from God and the plan of happiness. Father’s day 2006 may very well have been the most bleak day of my life up to this point. It was then that I realized that both my brother and my father were completely void of feeling. It was then the grieving process began for me. I cried well into the morning. How could I sit by and do nothing as those I love more than any others in this life choose misery and death? I still have a great deal to learn of God’s eternal perspective that is for sure. Was this a trial of faith?

July 3rd 2006, Scott ended his mortal life. I found out July 4th… that day stood independent as the darkest.

I did not have sufficient faith for this trial. After all I had fasted and prayed and obeyed God and his commands, and my brother’s life was not preserved. I felt as though I no longer knew anything. It was then that I really began to observe the life and works of the President of the church, how was he able to go on without his lifelong friend and beloved wife? And how did he manage to do it while maintaining all his responsibilities? I tried to reach out to those around me, but I didn’t know how and none of my friends knew how to act either. I quickly became frustrated, even despondent.

In what I now realize was an attempt to find gratitude, faith, optimism…something positive, I wrote a brief note to President Hinckley thanking him for his example of faithfully enduring since the death of his wife. Wanting to appear very well composed and not wanting to drain any more of the very limited time resource of the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I noted that no response was necessary, and thanked him for his example living the gospel of Jesus Christ.

President Hinckley wrote back. He knew how badly I was struggling. He knew that the trials had increased to a point where I felt there were not enough coping resources to cope with them. The letter speaks of Jesus Christ as our redeemer and judge. It speaks of the infinite nature of the Christ’s atonement and how he broke the bands of death for us. It speaks of peace that can come to us through the Holy Ghost and how it is through faith in Jesus Christ that we endure such trials and offered his prayers in my behalf and for those I love.

Today as I attended the funeral of President Gordon B. Hinckley, my heart drew upon all these memories. I cried both tears of sorrow and of joy. Selfishly I would like everyone I love to live in this life with me forever regardless of illness, age or situation, but luckily God knows better and has a timetable and a plan for each of us. Joy and peace truly filled my heart as I reflected upon the teachings of Jesus Christ as exemplified and preached by his Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley and knowing that he is now able to live eternally with his loving and faithful wife. It was beautiful to see the reverence of 10’s of 1,000’s as respect was paid to the Hinckley Family. How much my heart ached to see his chair empty at the conference center, or to not have him there to stop and wave his cane as he approached the exit—how grateful I am for his sweet daughter that did wave and continue her father’s expressions of faith and love and humor. How grateful I am that this is God’s church—that it is led by Him through whom He calls and that in a time of such uncertainty in the world that we have a prophet that lives and leads the church as Christ directs. How grateful I am to be a better person today than I was in November of 2000 when I first heard President Gordon B. Hinckley speak. I want to live a better life. I want to accomplish all that I can for good that God may be known by all that I meet. I want to live in such a way that I can see all those that I love, my brother Scott who didn’t know of God’s love and plan in this life, and also the sweet Prophet President Hinckley who helped me to find comfort amid grief and sorrow and who imparted of his knowledge of Jesus Christ at a time when my faith, immature and untried, was insufficient to withstand the tests of 2006.

God lives. He loves each of us. Jesus is the Christ, he is the redeemer of my soul. He is my ultimate example and most self-less, compassionate, perfect friend. Truly as Isaiah says, he has borne my sorrows and carried my grief. Christ is there for me in my times of sorrow and despair. He loves me and wants me to know joy even greater than my sorrow. He allows me to make choices that ultimately result in joy or pain—He is with me as I endure the choices of others that increase the difficulty and yield greater opportunity to learn in this life. Christ established the fullness of these truths and housed them in the early church. He was crucified. He suffered more than I can yet imagine—all that he might deliver each of us from sin and death—if we will come to Him. After Christ was killed many of the essential truths were lost, the apostles were killed and people struggled in darkness—many still wander in darkness. I wandered in darkness before I came to know God. I didn’t want to live in such a brutal calloused world—but through Christ I found light even amid the darkest nights and most excruciating trials. Through the Holy Bible and the Book of Mormon—testaments of Jesus Christ—I now have reason to hope in Christ. I have greater strength to endure. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens and enables me to do things that I would not be able to do if left to my own abilities. Just as I reverence Gordon B. Hinckley, so too do I revere Joseph Smith—both prophets called of God who made more readily available a knowledge of God’s love and the teachings that I need to find joy in this life and in the life to come with all those that I love. While my heart aches at saying goodbye for a time to a beloved prophet of the Lord Jesus Christ, I will live to follow his example, to “do my very best.” I will marry and love as he and Sister Hinckley did—so emulating the culminating joy of the plan of Salvation both in this life & the next. These things I know and it is these things that allow me to face each new day with hope and to rejoice in the Love of God.