Better Late than Never...Eh?!?

Well, I must first apologize for my delinquency in writing this… I felt earlier that I needed to—and well—today was just a difficult day.

I tried everything to keep my head out of the clouds of despair—I ran/biked/row’d for 2 hours at the gym this morning, then went for a run and sat outside in the sunshine. I kept lunch plans with an old friend I hadn’t seen in months, went to visit a couple of girls in my ward, wrote a postcard to my favorite lil’ Buckeyes, went to my favorite place of peace, studied the scriptures a great deal, was able to do something for a friend, pulled out some old healing & recovery books… And in so doing at least was able to look at it for what it was—a veryharduglynogoodverybad day—even amid the veryharduglynogoodverybad parts of the day there were many blessings. In fact, the whole day wasn’t all together terrible…I just got word that a family I have grown to love very much has separated, and I was also trying to sort through all the pictures on my computers for transfer/backup to an external hard drive… I am not ready to go through all the pictures yet, and I don’t ever want to be so desensitized that I am ‘ready’ for news that a family has chosen to go their separate ways.

And NOW…after that incredibly long disclaimer as to why I postponed writing this…
At 3:55pm today I started an entry entitled ‘True Friends…’ mainly because of the way my life has been blessed by genuine and enduring friendships. Particularly because it was 1 year ago yesterday that I met Christianne Mohr—a friend like no other. I got to talk to her yesterday and as we reminisced over the lifetime of changes that have taken place in our lives—my heart was filled with gratitude.

When I left Provo just over one year ago I went to Florida. At this point in time I felt I had come to the end of my rope. Life—and other people’s decisions had dealt me some pretty rough cards and I just did not have sufficient faith for the trials at hand. I needed more faith. I needed greater trust in God. I needed to know that with his help I truly could endure…but the thought did cross my mind that I could go to Florida and disappear, no one would ever even know I was there—go lay on a beach—drown my sorrows in the ocean and any other drug of choice…I still struggled with Scott’s death and hated myself that I wasn’t able to do more to help him want to live…

Luckily for me 2 of the people I love most in the world flew down and met me the day I arrived—Sydney & Stockton. Having them there insured one thing—I would do everything in my capacity to ensure they felt my love and the love of God and had a fantastic time! We would go to church, play at the beach, make sandcastles, go to Disney World, sing songs and be happy and make yummy breakfast-lunch-dinner—and anything else they wanted. The first week was lived to the fullest! That first Sunday at the church in Boca I met Christianne. (Now mind you at this point I was living life to the fullest because of the love I had for Sydney & Stockton. I didn’t feel like anyone, including God, could love me—after all I was not able to help my own brother find a desire to live.

How could God possibly bless someone flawed and imperfect like me? How could he possibly send lifelong, genuine, forgiving & charitable friends to me? How could he care about whether or not I had a roof over my head? How could he love me at a time when I didn’t love myself and didn’t think anyone in the world could love me? I’m not sure, but He does. That is the best part. He knows everything from the end to the beginning. He knows all my flaws and imperfections and He still loves me. He knew I would bail mid-semester on classes @ BYU, He knew I wouldn’t graduate when everyone else thought I should. He knew I didn’t know how to cope with the abuse and emotional issues stemming from a dysfunctional family of origin, He knew I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to go to church, He knew I was still angry and felt like no one in the world or church understood my pain or could say or do anything helpful, He knew I felt that everyone I loved would eventually check out of my life whether it be via divorce or suicide or separation, and that is the one of the most beautiful and perplexing parts of the whole thing… HE KNOWS PERFECTLY. Somehow, through the life ministry & atonement, Jesus Christ suffered all that is beyond my present comprehension, so in those times when no one truly does understand—He does.

God also knew the best thing I could possibly have done to feel his love was to extend a hand of friendship and service to another who was suffering. When Christianne showed up in jeans that Sunday—she showed on the outside that she was as out of place as I felt on the inside. I truly didn’t know Christ. I didn’t trust Him enough to believe He could deliver me from the pains of hell, of self-contempt, or grief and despair. I guess you could say we had a casual relationship up until now—I was a fair weather friend—when life was great and when God blessed me for my good decisions—it was easy to follow Him and obey his commandments—but now I was doing all that I could and every part of my whole soul ached…I couldn’t see a blessing if it came up and introduced itself to me. And as such I wondered if all the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ I had taught as a missionary, to missionaries, and to others I love—if they really had the power to bring me to Christ—or if I had just wanted to believe so badly that there was something better out there that I had contrived in my own head a God and as such was rigidly following the rules that I hoped would allow me temporary relief from the reality of my life.

My number one reason in going to Florida was to find out if there really was a God—and if He really did love me—and my brother—and any of us imperfect people. And if there was a God I really wanted to strengthen my relationship with Him so that I again had a desire to love and serve and become like Him—and maybe even grow to love myself. This was something I had never done. I had gained small particles of identity that I loved—Sister Crist, the missionary, the MTC teacher, the relief society president. Ashley, the friend, the artist, the BYU student, the ski instructor, the rescuer. Aunt Ashwee, the all inclusive excuse to love unconditionally—but at the heart of all of this there was an fearful and insecure person that needed to do something great in order to earn the love and acceptance of those around me. In deepening my relationship with God, I have become even more aware of my flaws. I have seen even more clearly all my weaknesses. But I have also felt the love and guidance and friendship of the Lord more than ever before, and have gained an identity through that love that is not contingent upon any flawed or mortal perspective. It never wanes, nor tires, it never dies nor falls short—Christ never decides to walk away. Even after all my tantrums and faithlessness and disobedience and follies and imperfections—His hand is outstretched still. There is no person in this life or the next that is beyond the grasp of Savior Jesus Christ. He is my creator. He knew that I would be flawed and fall and falter in faith and cry out in frustration—and in so doing hopefully stop my own utterances long enough to hear His voice and accept his invitation to ‘Come unto [Him].’ I know that He loves me. I know that through His love I am enabled to face even my deepest fears—that through His love and mercy I can even love myself and allow myself to be loved by others.

Sometimes I feel like a little kid who is just learning lessons like how to get up when I fall, or how to say I am sorry when I hurt someone, or how to share even when I don’t want to, or how to trust that someone who says they love me really does, or how to acknowledge my feelings and take care of my needs, or how to cry when I am sad, or how to accept a compliment when it is extended-or a gift when it is given—One of the best lessons I am learning right now it to be grateful for those greatest gifts that involve the love and lasting friendship of another. There are few people who choose to love in such a pure and selfless way that it enables us to be better people—to open up and feel, to love and to serve and to heal. God has placed so many of these people around me that I would be ungrateful as to not mention a few just over the past few days…

There is my dear friend in Rexburg that reminds me to keep going and put one foot in front of the other even when life is hard or when you feel you ‘can’t stand up.’ One that shares with me both great laughter and great tears. One who extended to me a challenge as we spoke this evening to focus on at least 3 things that I am grateful for each day and then promised me blessings and arranged a time to follow-up with me and see how it went.

There is a new old friend that was the first to ask me if I knew God loved me—one who overlooked many imperfect actions on my part and drove hours to support me on a day I didn’t think I would physically or emotionally survive. One who has blessed my life as I’ve come back to face reality.

There is a sweet ecclesiastical leader that took the time to get to know me and to assist in the healing process when all he needed to do was sign the paper. One that didn’t make me feel as though there were 40 people waiting—even though there were. One that made me feel I was the most important person in the world and that God truly is aware.

There is the sweet and sincere friend who came up to me this morning at the gym and really cared to know how I was doing. Rather than skipping off to run, she stood and listened as well as catching me up on her life for nearly an hour. One that asks real questions and listens for truthful answers. One who cares about your well-being.

There is the sweet sister in the ward that called to tell me I was missed when I didn’t make it to our game today—I just didn’t want to play today. One that will still love me even though I didn’t make it.

There was the generous old friend that I was able to reconnect with today, one who saw a need and offered something she had that helped to fill that need. One that doesn’t pretend to be someone else and who inspires me to do the best I can. One who has been there through the thick and thin of it with me and who has allowed me that same privilege to be there for her.

AND then there is God. The loving and merciful friend who orchestrates all these blessings in my behalf. He is my perfect example. He is the only one that knows ‘exactly how I feel’ all the time. He forgives me when I do something amiss. He is the redeemer of my soul—both from death and sin—but also from unbelief and self-hate. If I do not allow my lack of faith or confidence in Him to disable His infinite love and power He extends to me His hand, an eternal binding love that enables me strength to endure and overcome and learn and grow and to become more like him. One who makes it possible to say—though flawed and imperfect—He loves me and I love myself.