http://youtube.com/watch?v=flRvsO8m_KI
Watching this just makes me want to be a better person.
Not only does it make me want to run farther and faster...
It makes me want to purify my heart even more...assess motives...
It makes me want to be that kind of parent to my children.
Recently, my friend's father was visiting from Russia and came to church with us. His English was about as good as my Russian--we'll just say that. Walking down the hall, he stopped at the drinking fountain to get a drink. He couldn't quite figure it out, looking around a little perplexed, some people standing around tried to tell him how to use it--which would be great if we were in Russia and they spoke Russian. I am from America and it takes me a moment to figure out some of the newly designed water fountains.
My Niece and nephew happened to be at church with me that week--AND if you've ever taken 2 small children to a singles ward with no snack time or nursery--you know that at least 1 water break every hour is the least you can do for the sweet lil' kids. And so...Samantha (3yrs) happened to be standing there when Mr. Simakov most needed her help. She walked up, kindly took his hand and pushed the water button on the front of the fountain. He thanked her most warmly in words no one understood--but we all knew what they meant--especially Samantha.
Every time I look at a water fountain I think of her sincere and loving example and how she was able to teach someone half a century older than her with a complete language barrier--I have a lot to learn from such a Christ-like example--Thanks Samantha!
Feel free to comment adding any of the dreams you have (or those you've already accomplished) or any advice/quotes on achieving dreams:
MY DREAMS
I will graduate from UCMT
and study at the BYU Jerusalem Center
and graduate from BYU or BYU-H
and open a massage studio on the beach in Florida
I'll date & marry the man of my dreams.
I'll raise children in love and righteousness,
providing for them to serve missions, go to college
and a good balance of play, work and learning.
I will buy a 6spd convertible and drive to the florida Keys
I'll go to Mickey's Christmas Party in Orlando.
and continue my education @ the Upledger Institute
and publish in journals, the Ensign & Friend magazines
I will autor a book, and present at education week, EFY,
Women's Conference, and AFSP National Conference.
I will travel to Australia, New Zeland, Fiji, Iceland,
Costa Rica, Egypt, Thailand, Austria--I'll ski the alps,
Africa, Brazil, Domincan Republic, Briitish Columbia,
Hike into Havasupai, go sailing in Nantucket, Raft the Salmon
And Grand Canyon, Water ski Mexico, Skydive with Christianne,
see U2 Live in Dublin...
I'll never forget the day I got my letter of rejection from the BYU London Study Abroad...I got it twice, once from each parent's house...
The second time I pulled it from the mailbox I burst into tears. A frenzy of disappointment, rejection, confusion...and a pile dreams and plans that turned quickly to mud at my feet.
I called my brother. I wanted to be validated, felt sorry for, hear BYU ripped to shreds... something... but instead, the words that followed continue to influence my life for good--maybe now I've learned to stop and listen a little better.
"Ash calm down--when one door closes, find a better one."
And so I did, that very day I applied for the Visual Arts Program in Italy, Switzerland, France & England--it turned out to be one of the choicest experiences and defining times of my life. The people in our branch in Italy showed me what it was to really live the gospel of Jesus Christ--something I had not seen much of growing up in Bountiful Utah. My passion for the arts was rekindled, a desire to serve others began to grow within my heart, an unquenchable thirst to see the world was grafted into my soul and there I began the long journey of figuring out who I am, what I desire in life, and how I will attain those dreams.
Who I am:
I recently read the following from a complete strangers blog that impressed me...
"I always find it difficult to give a self description--not because I feel I don't know who I am--but because I feel a few sentences telling of some aspect of my life, certain roles I have, or background often may result in an inaccurate portrayal of who I am. I'm not sure anyone could articulate an encompassing description of themselves..."
There are times in my life where I feel that I know who I am, and then there are bleak nights or shattered dreams that cause me to wonder. There are roles that I have had that allow me a glimpse of who I am...there are false perceptions that I buy into of who I am, or who others expect me to be. When it really comes down to it--I'm still learning everyday who I am and what I want.
Sister Kristin Oaks, in a CES Fireside last year said: "when you know who you are and what you want and what you are looking for, you will find it."
At the time that seemed like such a no brainer--everyone knows who they are and what they want, right?!? I didn't, and I still don't completely. I know a lot of what I don't want, or of what I'm not looking for, or who I am not, I guess you could say I learn a great deal in the school of hard knocks...but there are few things that I know without question. I know that God lives. I know that he knows me. I know that there is life after death and that I will see my brother again. I know that I am not perfect--but on that same note--I am perfectly imperfect--improving everyday upon my weaknesses. I know that I have a very sensitive heart and I love and grieve very deeply--for a long time I chose to be numb so as to avoid such depths of emotion. I have also learned that from the hardest things in life--come the most profound truths.
I didn't know for sure that there was life after death or that I would see my brother again--until he died.
I didn't know the importance of love and marriage and the family--until i grew up in a family void of such ideals.
I didn't know how much I yearned for safety and peace--until I reflected on what it was like to grow up without them.
I didn't know the importance of sobriety until watching as my friend struggled to maintain hers.
I didn't know how much I desire to love another and be cherished by him--until I lived in relationships that lacked such characteristics.
I didn't know the importance of the temple until I made the sacrifice to be there 6 hours each week.
I didn't know the importance of implicit chastity, until I saw a friend suffer from having aborted her child.
Without the antitheses of joy, would I really have the conviction and faith sufficient to seek after and obtain joy? Without knowing heartache, would I even be able to differentiate that and happiness? I guess you could say that that sometimes the poorest spot of ground actually yields the most strength and tenderness as we turn to Christ and ask in faith that He show us what we are to learn--even the worst of trials can provide the sweetest lessons.
[from an earlier post]
I don't know why my friend has cancer, but I know not to take a single day for granted. I know to express my love to he and his sweet wife, to make wonderful memories with them now, I know that taking the time to paint for him his favorite fishing spot--is probably the most important thing I can do today--even if it is finals week.
I don't know why my dream of getting married and raising a family is being postponed, but I know that the lessons I am learning now of financial Independence and frugality will help me be a much more wise steward of the resources we are blessed with in my future family. I know that the previously undealt with emotional issues, and family of orgin things would have been a liability as a wife and mother and so this time has been a great blessing to refine and purify my own life while looking forward to the joy of marriage and family life in the gospel. I have been given the chance to be an ordinance worker, something I won't again have the chance to do until all my children are adults. I have the time to focus on school and multiple degrees, to increase my earning capacity and marketability so that if necessary I can help support my family, I can contribute to their missions and college educations so that they will have as many opportunities afforded them as possible. I have had the opportunity to travel the world--something I will continue to do. I have had the opportunity to live in various countries and states, to see true poverty and appreciate more the blessings and prosperity I have. I have the opportunity to develop talents that may have been left untouched for years--painting, writing, photography, service, cooking, running, skiing, teaching, loving. I have had the chance to date &/or get to know so many great people--some that choose not to live up to their greatness--but nonetheless I have learned wonderful things from each one of them.
From Brent--how to laugh and have fun, from Corey--how to plan and organize, from Nathan--how to dream big, from Alan--sensitivity, from Dave--not to give up on something you want in life, from Ryan--how to match your actions to your words, from Mark--how to do what's right regardless of what's going on around you, from Isaac--to always be willing to help someone in need, from Jim--that stalwart and fun truly can come together, from Ben--how to realize something needs to be done, from Benjamin--really applying yourself to your studies, From Robbie & Russell--that good guys really are the way to go, from Gard--how to follow the spirit and just listen w/o trying to fix the situation, from Jeff--to follow your heart, from James--how to make family your first priority, from Andrew--unwavering diligence, from Craig--how to relax and just enjoy life, from Kip--a passion for teaching, from Eric--power in the priesthood and covenant keeping, from Jake--a high level of expectation and moral cleanliness, from Josh--working hard for what you want, from John--sincerity, from Jon--to not to settle for mediocre even if everyone else does, from Steve--balance work and play...
I don't understand why paralyzing illness or abuse has touched my life, but I do value my health in a way I don't know that I otherwise would. I do understand and empathize more with others because of these experiences, and I know the importance of making and keeping safe boundaries. I also know and am aware of the possibility of becoming a victim to your circumstances when they are difficult or when another person's choices are hurting you--but I choose to act and not be acted upon. Somethings in life we cannot control, but we can always control how we react. And we can always choose our attitude even during the hardest times.
I don't know how long I will grieve the loss of my brother, but I now know never to take one moment for granted, I know not to let times go when you can say I love you face to face, I know now never to judge another, I know understand that some illness cannot be seen--they must be perceived from the heart. I'm so grateful for every picture I took and memory I recorded, I enjoy every moment I can with his kids and realize that sometimes sliding down the stairs in a sleeping bag, or watching the incredibles really is more important than anything else if I am spending time with those I love. I now know that I never regret sharing my knowledge of God's love with another. I never regret praying by name for someone I care about, and I know now more of the infinite atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ than I ever did before.
I don't know what it is that I am supposed to be learning right now--That isn't true.
I just need to take the time to ponder the things I learning in order to better see the hand of the Lord in my life. I need not be impatient with myself or God.
In fact there is so much that I don't have answers to... That is true--I don't know it all--but if I did, I would never have to go on faith. If I had all the answers, it wouldn't be much of a test, and if I didn't have to dig deep within my soul to find the strength to carry on, I may not have the enduring characteristics, or Christ-like attributes that help me to become like him, and to enjoy eternal life with those I love. I do know that God lives, he is my father in Heaven. I know that he loves me, and with his ability to see the past from the future, the end from the beginning...i trust in the refining purpose of these trials, I know that I have learned things that I could not otherwise know. My faith in His ability and power unto deliverance will increase...
Not only will I endure, I will rejoice and endure in faith, and continue to dream--allowing God through his grace to enanble me, to make my dreams a reality.
"Have Faith, Not Fear
I have just two things to say to you who are troubled about the future. I say them lovingly and from my heart.
First, we must never let fear and the father of fear (Satan himself) divert us from our faith and faithful living. Every person in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need.
Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—that is the first principle of the gospel. We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities.
God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe....So, in a world of tribulation, let’s remember our faith. Let’s recall the other promises and prophecies that have been given, all the reassuring ones, and let’s live life more fully, with more boldness and courage than at any other time."
--Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=86bde5e18be63110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1
I just want to say that I love the temple! I have the opportunity right now to work there and have come to an even greater appreciation of God, my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. I also learn each time I am there--and it inspires me to keep on learning! Working there for 6 hours each week has been a great blessing--a sacrifice of time and a reward of many sweet blessings and insights and most of all the peace that exists there and continues in my heart and home as I serve there! The temple has been closed for cleaning and the 4th of July...and I am SO happy to have it open again this week! It is a great privlige to have, as in ancient times a house of the Lord :) Since I lived in Florida and the temple was 4 hours away--I am now so thankful that I have so many temples here :)
To learn more...
On the purpose of temples:
http://www.lds.org/temples/purpose/0,11298,1897-1,00.html
Or to see the temples of the world:
http://www.lds.org/temples/geographical/0,11380,1899-1,00.html
As many of you know, I am an active supporter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and have been since I lost my brother to suicide 2 years ago this month. I have done 5K's in Boca Raton and Miami, the 20 mile overnight in New York City, and now am helping to establish resources for the community here in Utah.
We are hoping to gain the support of people all across the Wasatch front and after a successful 5k in September establish a chapter here in the state of Utah that will raise awareness and increase preventative efforts by educating Jr. high and high school aged kids, educating physicians to recognize and deal with those who are suffering from mental illness and are at risk to take their own life, and to have a survivor outreach program for those that have lost loved ones to suicide.
My goal this year is much less that last year simply because I don't have the time to invest in fundraising and am spending much more time on administrative things as event chair.
PLEASE REGISTER AND PARTICIPATE WITH US!!!
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.createProfile&source=R
Even if you are in college and donating will not be your strong point, there is no minimum donation--we would love for you to be there!!!
Or, if you'd rather, you can donate to me or any of my team members:
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&eventID=606&participantID=4120
I wouldn't be a part of this if it weren't a good cause. The majority of our board are not members of the LDS faith, and they moved it from general conference weekend to September 27th to accommodate those of my faith in this valley--and I would love for them to see how wonderful the support can be :) People that I go to school with will be there giving massages and we will have many door prizes and a great atmosphere.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOU DO AND CONTINUE TO DO FOR GOOD!
For more information:
http://www.outofthedarkness.org/
Have you ever wondered why life is hard? Have you had the occasion to wonder if you could handle the severity of the trial at hand? Have you ever thought that you just couldn't endure one more hardship? Does it ever seem that the night is just too dark, or felt buried by financial or social pressures? How about life not going the way you had hoped or planned?
I have.
And, well, for a long time I've thought that meant that I was weak... but I am coming to realize that it really just means I am human. Everyone experiences pain and heartache, disappointment and loss, joy and happiness. I looked around my classroom at UCMT today, and I realized that there is not 1 person in there that isn't going through something hard--death of a loved one, morning sickness, financial setbacks, broken hearts and relationships, issues with their children, friends, spouses, insomnia, illness, drug addiction...and we already lost 1 to suicide. I realize this is a very small sample from the human race... but nonetheless...everyone is up against some major opposition.
This week I have just felt tired and sad and overwhelmed.
Relationships
Last week I followed the feelings in my heart and mind to end the relationship I was in...with someone I care a great deal about. In order for me to maintain healthy boundaries, I remain quite detached from my family of origin. I did survive the 2 year anniversary of my brother's suicide this month and feel very grateful to God for making that possible. And other than that... I am so busy I don't really have time for deep and meaningful relationships right now.
Finances
I would be lying if I said that finances was a strong point for me... it is an area in which I have plenty of room to improve. Being aware of that I budgeted out the year--since I am in a full-time (60hr/week) program including anatomy, physiology, pathology--and sciences are not my strong point...well... seeing as this is my first year on a real budget...appropriately it is my first year being in a car accident...didn't budget for that one. I made it through the past few months by the mercy of God and a whole handful of miracles *next blog* but with only 11 weeks left in my program... I feel like I am drowning.
Service
I love to serve...sometimes to a fault. I am always very willing to serve and I rarely say no (although I am improving in that area of my life as well.) I currently serve as the chair for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention for the State of Utah--with a 5k coming up in September--PLEASE JOIN US :) I serve in the Provo Utah Temple for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and was recently released from my second term as president of my branch of the largest women's organization in the world--the Relief Society...
Education
With only 11 weeks of my program left...I am tired. We have 8 finals this week and projects and protocols due in every class. There are so many administrative problems at our campus that it can be very frustrating when you have paid to attain an education and some of them prevent learning and development.
Spirituality
Now this is probably the only dimension enabling me to hold on amid all the trials and testings and exhaustion... and don't get me wrong...when I say spirituality I mean very specifically my relationship with God, who I know to be my Father in Heaven, and his Son Jesus Christ. I don't mean LDS culture, or Utah County expectations, or singles ward (my college age congregation) activities, I mean where I stand before God. It is communicating with God through prayer, receiving guidance from him as I study the scriptures, it is feeling peace in my heart and a transcending love that I know only he can impart--it is a reason to get up and go everyday--and it helps me cultivate and maintain a desire and capacity to live--and do so with joy.
With the many dimensions and stresses in my life--both eustress and distress--there are times when I would like to give up. Times when I have a tendency to ask why life is so hard, if I can handle the severity of the trials at hand, if I endure one more hardship, if the night really is too dark, of to feel I'm buried beneath financial, social, educational stress, and to become frustrated that life just isn't going as I'd hoped or planned... this week it was hard to see beyond the trials. I just kept telling myself--I can do anything for 11 weeks--but there were times I doubted even that...
So I pulled out my scriptures...almost as a last resort I was so overwhelmed--nearing desperation and possibly even teetering toward apathy...
1 Peter Chapter one: The trial of our faith precedes salvation--Christ foreordained to be the redeemer.
As I read the words of an apostle of Jesus Christ, starting in verse 7: "that the trial of your faith, being more precious than of Gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ. Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory..." and then in verse 13: Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children..."
I don't know why my friend has cancer, I don't know why my dream of getting married and raising a family is being postponed, I don't understand why paralyzing illness or abuse has touched my life, I don't know how long I will grieve the loss of my brother, I don't know what it is that I am supposed to be learning right now--in fact there is so much that I don't have answers to...but I know that God lives. I know that he loves me, and with his ability to see the past from the future, the end from the beginning...if he sees a refining purpose in this trial, if my faith in His ability and power unto deliverance will increase...then I will endure.
I'm not really sure why I am throwing this out to the universe, maybe that some other person who maybe struggling can find hope in Peter's words, and purpose in affliction...Maybe to cause me to look at the other side, and better articulate all the blessings that God has placed in my life, or all the growth and strength that results--or even just in admission that regardless of standards or status, I am human and I do struggle and to cut myself some slack...even just in acknowledgement that I don't understand all these things, and I lack a great deal of strength and wisdom, but I trust in God.
Just think...at the very latest...I graduate in 12 weeks... I can post then...?
