"The Trial of Our Faith Precedes Salvation..."

Have you ever wondered why life is hard? Have you had the occasion to wonder if you could handle the severity of the trial at hand? Have you ever thought that you just couldn't endure one more hardship? Does it ever seem that the night is just too dark, or felt buried by financial or social pressures? How about life not going the way you had hoped or planned?

I have.

And, well, for a long time I've thought that meant that I was weak... but I am coming to realize that it really just means I am human. Everyone experiences pain and heartache, disappointment and loss, joy and happiness. I looked around my classroom at UCMT today, and I realized that there is not 1 person in there that isn't going through something hard--death of a loved one, morning sickness, financial setbacks, broken hearts and relationships, issues with their children, friends, spouses, insomnia, illness, drug addiction...and we already lost 1 to suicide. I realize this is a very small sample from the human race... but nonetheless...everyone is up against some major opposition.

This week I have just felt tired and sad and overwhelmed.
Relationships
Last week I followed the feelings in my heart and mind to end the relationship I was in...with someone I care a great deal about. In order for me to maintain healthy boundaries, I remain quite detached from my family of origin. I did survive the 2 year anniversary of my brother's suicide this month and feel very grateful to God for making that possible. And other than that... I am so busy I don't really have time for deep and meaningful relationships right now.
Finances
I would be lying if I said that finances was a strong point for me... it is an area in which I have plenty of room to improve. Being aware of that I budgeted out the year--since I am in a full-time (60hr/week) program including anatomy, physiology, pathology--and sciences are not my strong point...well... seeing as this is my first year on a real budget...appropriately it is my first year being in a car accident...didn't budget for that one. I made it through the past few months by the mercy of God and a whole handful of miracles *next blog* but with only 11 weeks left in my program... I feel like I am drowning.
Service
I love to serve...sometimes to a fault. I am always very willing to serve and I rarely say no (although I am improving in that area of my life as well.) I currently serve as the chair for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention for the State of Utah--with a 5k coming up in September--PLEASE JOIN US :) I serve in the Provo Utah Temple for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and was recently released from my second term as president of my branch of the largest women's organization in the world--the Relief Society...
Education
With only 11 weeks of my program left...I am tired. We have 8 finals this week and projects and protocols due in every class. There are so many administrative problems at our campus that it can be very frustrating when you have paid to attain an education and some of them prevent learning and development.
Spirituality
Now this is probably the only dimension enabling me to hold on amid all the trials and testings and exhaustion... and don't get me wrong...when I say spirituality I mean very specifically my relationship with God, who I know to be my Father in Heaven, and his Son Jesus Christ. I don't mean LDS culture, or Utah County expectations, or singles ward (my college age congregation) activities, I mean where I stand before God. It is communicating with God through prayer, receiving guidance from him as I study the scriptures, it is feeling peace in my heart and a transcending love that I know only he can impart--it is a reason to get up and go everyday--and it helps me cultivate and maintain a desire and capacity to live--and do so with joy.

With the many dimensions and stresses in my life--both eustress and distress--there are times when I would like to give up. Times when I have a tendency to ask why life is so hard, if I can handle the severity of the trials at hand, if I endure one more hardship, if the night really is too dark, of to feel I'm buried beneath financial, social, educational stress, and to become frustrated that life just isn't going as I'd hoped or planned... this week it was hard to see beyond the trials. I just kept telling myself--I can do anything for 11 weeks--but there were times I doubted even that...

So I pulled out my scriptures...almost as a last resort I was so overwhelmed--nearing desperation and possibly even teetering toward apathy...

1 Peter Chapter one: The trial of our faith precedes salvation--Christ foreordained to be the redeemer.
As I read the words of an apostle of Jesus Christ, starting in verse 7: "that the trial of your faith, being more precious than of Gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ. Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory..." and then in verse 13: Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children..."

I don't know why my friend has cancer, I don't know why my dream of getting married and raising a family is being postponed, I don't understand why paralyzing illness or abuse has touched my life, I don't know how long I will grieve the loss of my brother, I don't know what it is that I am supposed to be learning right now--in fact there is so much that I don't have answers to...but I know that God lives. I know that he loves me, and with his ability to see the past from the future, the end from the beginning...if he sees a refining purpose in this trial, if my faith in His ability and power unto deliverance will increase...then I will endure.

I'm not really sure why I am throwing this out to the universe, maybe that some other person who maybe struggling can find hope in Peter's words, and purpose in affliction...Maybe to cause me to look at the other side, and better articulate all the blessings that God has placed in my life, or all the growth and strength that results--or even just in admission that regardless of standards or status, I am human and I do struggle and to cut myself some slack...even just in acknowledgement that I don't understand all these things, and I lack a great deal of strength and wisdom, but I trust in God.