"A Few of My Favorite Things..."

Orange and Blue: The Colors of Love

The colors of love. To win my heart, don't send me roses. To cause tears of joy, I don't want diamonds. If you'd like to see the constellations in my eyes bring me orange and blue.

No, I'm not a gators fan--although I do really love it here in Florida--and no, my love of orange and blue isn't a sign of endearment for Denver--

They symbolize love. Pure, unconditional, eternal.

Sydney loves Blue. Stockton loves Orange.
These are 2/3 of my favorite little people (the third may never have to learn to talk and tell us her favorite color because the others do all the talking for her ;)

Last year these little ones taught me about love. When I was serving people in Washington and teaching them about God on a "mission" I was away from home and I would write and say "I love you" Sydney learned quickly to repeat what I said and soon we had the following times 2!

"I love you,
I love you more,
I love you bunches and bunches and bunches!"

This became our favorite salutation, only it was incomplete. So when we went to Disneyland, we started to add on, I love you all the way to Disneyland, and then they went to Florida and we tagged that on the end, still our love is so much more than that.

Early last year I was driving south on 400 East on my way home from their "big house" in Farmington, and I felt very strongly to add on--"I love you all the way to Heaven."

We began to use it in the morning when we swept the sleepy sand from our eyes, in the day when we'd jump on the tramp, at the duck pond while Stockton ate the bread we got to feed the ducks, at night as we'd read stories and lay there counting to 100--backward, on the phone, in postcards, and especially when we shared our special hugs and kisses!

It spread like wildfire! After all, "Love begets love" (Orson Pratt).

Then, my brother died, and these little one lost their daddy for a time. He went back to be with God.

As I drove Sweet little Sydney to the store to buy a dress for the funeral--the nice lady at the store said--you're sure a pretty little girl, what are you looking for today? Sydney responded sweetly, "the prettiest blue princess dress, just like Cinderella" and kindly the woman said, "what's the occasion?" Sydney responded confidently, "my daddy died and went to Heaven, and blue is my favorite color, because you wanna know why? You know who else loves blue? It's my daddy's favorite color too, and I'm going to look just like a princess for him, Cinderella wears blue." So we got the most beautiful blue dresses for her and baby Samantha.

Then at the flower Shop, the nice woman asked what kind of flowers we wanted from the kids--and you didn't even have to listen to hear Stockton say "Owange bwecaws its mwy fawvorwite colow" and Birds of paradise were the ones we chose. And in order to let them say I love you one more time, we bought bunches of Orange and Blue balloons and then sent them up in the sky. Saying things like "I hope he gets it by morning," and "I miss you."

These colors symbolize so many things. A myriad of emotions. A thousand silent sobs, torrential tears, the violent void of separation, and the words I'll never forget as we said our goodbyes to my brother's lifeless body--I held his little princess Sydney up to say goodbye and leaning over to kiss her daddy's cheek, the words "Daddy, I love you all the way to Heaven."

There are no more beautiful words and colors in all of holy writ than those of love eternal. The pure love of a child. Love does not judge. It is kind. It does not change when someone moves to a new phase in life. It does not lie and tell you what you want to hear, love is truth.

If you do not know me--you can see from just a glance there are common threads that run through my life--they may appear as polar opposites--love and pain. Such are intrinsically linked. I have come to know more about love through pain and loss, and pain and loss through love, than I could have in any other way. There cannot be life without love. Without love, life has no beauty. The words I spoke to my brother his last day were "I love you, your children love you, and God loves you." All are true. I have learned that you can never go wrong with truth. Because of this I have suffered heart ache and abuse, manipulation and ridicule, grief and anguish, embarrassment and humility--but I know no regret. I have never gone wrong when I put my whole heart into something and make the decision to love. You may mock and say--well--you are 24 and single and the greatest desire of your heart is to love--to serve--to marry--to continue to cultivate that love as a wife and mother--

But love is selfless, it doesn't expect a reward or reciprocation. Love is gentle, love is sincere, love is a choice. If nothing more, I am so grateful to God that I've been allowed the opportunity to learn to love, and yes, to lose. With the orange and blue reality that love is a decision. I make the decision everyday to love and serve--and I am only in control over my decision to love. Recently when dating my best friend, he decided "[his] heart just [was]n't in it." I respect his choice. Our definitions/ideals of dating are very different. Mine is a mutual desire to spend time together, get to know one another better, learn about anothers hopes and dreams and fears, learn how to serve and support and cherish another person. Learn how to communicate feelings and establish boundaries and build interpersonal skills, I don't even think he knows what his are.

Not that I judge him for that, we have lived very different lives. Suffering loss--I have come to define love--while both love and loss have come to define me. Losing has strengthened my resolve to love, and loving has strengthened my resolve to live.

My love is not yet as pure and perfect as those who've shown me loves true colors, I can only hope to one day perfect my love through Christ. It is the opposition of these things that has softened my heart, made possible empathy, increased my understanding, and ultimately caused me to rely the only true source of perfect and eternal love.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." 1 Jn 4:18-19

"I love you,
I love you more,
I love you bunches and bunches and bunches,
I love you all the way to Disneywand,
I love you all the way to Fworida,
I love you all the way to Heaven."

Beautiful!

C'est belle! Today church was incredible!!! Bishop Angelos gave the most incredible talk today--he called us all to repent, not to view ourselves as being "above the law" as Motorola had just been nailed for 22.9 million dollars for thinking.

Relief Society--the women's organization was incredible also--the things that we learn from the trials in our lives--and how we come to better know God as we face trials.

Then I came home--started dinner--Michelle, Elliott and Stockton came from Nova, the Elders from our church that are out doing service for 2 years, Maria my friend from my building, Christi of course, and Nathan came a little late. We watched the Restoration, and then had a discussion about it. it was wonderful.

Beautiful Day!

It is a nice 85 degrees outside--only partly cloudy. I was up late last night--working on my institute lesson--it is exactly what I needed to be learning! After some laundry and house scouring--I am off to the pool--read--swim some laps--take a little nap, then I'm going to get a pedicure with Maria, and we're off for a run on the beach. She is definitely the sister I needed when moving here! We are going to start kayaking on the lake her house sits on--pretty sweet, eh?!?

You know--when I stress and struggle that "I am not as effective as I used to be" I disable myself from getting anything done--so I may as well spend an easy day--getting not much done, but view it as a retreat from the hellish nightmares of life right now--rather than allowing the perfectionism in me to derail my life.

Last night Maria and I ran the beach to the inlet, South of Boca--it was beautiful! and then I came back, sat in the hot tub and called it a night with some weights and 30 minutes in the sauna--hey we have them--I may as well enjoy them, right!

I am going to start painting again today.

Another dose of life...

I'm still breathing.
The missionaries called and set up an appointment with Christi at a families house that we set it up at last time--And this family is great. The mom has been through so much--her mother died and then her chronically ill father committed suicide, and about this time her husband had an affair. It was a good reminder that as hard as sometimes are--we have good people around us that have also suffered and are survivors. The lesson was great--they had brought a movie and it didn't work which was good. As we talked about the plan of happiness, we all learned by the Spirit of God the things we needed. D&C 84:88, D&C 138, the book of titus that Christi had read today--it was exactly where we needed to be.

While we were there, my friend texted me to say that she'd prayed I would call her yesterday--and man--I could not get her off my head--so about midnight last night (my time) I called her.

There were still some sad moments today. Missing Scott.
I've been swimming in memories all day. When we came out of the meeting tonight, there was a beautiful crescent moon--and all I could hear was Scott when he would come here to Florida he would tell the kids to look up at the moon and remember that he was under the same moon. And whenever the moon smiles down to know that he is not far away.

Just breathe.

Have you ever had one of those days where it is all you can do to just breathe? Memories are like a lens--they can be help you see things more clearly, to revel, to enjoy--but once shattered, damaged, distorted they can never really be put back together. Everything becomes blurred and broken.

There is no formula to what causes some days to be more difficult than others, no equation by which production of tears can be calculated or manipulated. Some days are just more difficult. This morning I woke up feeling as though I were buried beneath layers and layers of thick wool military blankets. Scratchy and irritating to the touch, an old musty smell attached that made it metaphorically more difficult to breathe--like they'd been stored in the attic, or the basement of the houseboat and hadn't gotten sufficient are circulation. I was freezing--and they were attempting to keep me warm (my house was 78 degrees). Stifling, Suffocating sadness.

True Friends

Wow! Can a night be more complete than to be filled with 2hours talking to Christi, over an hour with Linds, and I didn't even dare look at my phone to see how long I've been on the phone with Steph? Is there anything so wonderful as a sincere friend? Someone who actual cares, and someone who you truly care about?

These are the people that see you as much for who you are as for who you can become--and they do all they can to help you achieve greatness. I honestly have the greatest friends ever born. Here it is they have finals and homework (or spring break ;) and yet they spend hours talking to the newest Floridian on the Phone...

Tonight was institute--it was wonderful! The life of the Prophet Joseph Smith is so inspiring! I am teaching Institute next week--that is a little intimidating--but it is just like teaching anything else--I just need to qualify for and obey the Spirit and all will be well.

Today was kind of a sad day. I spent lots of time in the sun, and reading scriptures and good books. The harrowing hellish nightmare nights and days have lessened a little in frequency and intensity--the biggest help has been to focus on serving other people. A few things have changed to where I have much more time on my own lately--that is hard. Where not spending time with a good friend may not have impacted me so severely last year--the time alone seems to magnify the void in my soul.

I miss Scott. Everything is more emotional than it used to be also. A driver honks at me in traffic (which for those of you that know the way I drive--only would that happen on the East Coast where you get ridden by a policeman in the left lane at 95MPH on the 95 ;) and I feel so horrible that I want to crawl into a hole and die. My good friend from my church group here called today to see how I was doing--it was very kind of her--she lost her brother in a car accident not too long ago--and she knows how it is to be affected by things that wouldn't previously have bothered you.

Grief is an interesting phenomenon. Have you ever sat on the beach and watched the waves long enough to see the tide actually change before your eyes? It can go from a near calm to high tide without a moments notice, or external surroundings like wind or rain may cause drastic and immediate changes. There will be moments when I feel at peace--and the sound of an unrelated child crying can take me back to the long nights comforting the kids (my nieces and nephew) just after their daddy died--in a split second everything seems to change.

That is one thing I am really trying to learn--as painful as those memories may be--or as much fear as I may have for the future--right now is the only thing that I truly have before me. Tomorrow will come, tomorrow will go. Yesterday was here and yesterday is gone. I don't know what I am saying--there are too many variables in my life to finish this at this moment in time--what am I doing for Spring? Jobs? Family? Hobbies? Books? where is my time best spent? Where can I do the most good? What does the Lord have in store for me? How can I best allow myself to heal?

Live right now

Notes from BYU devotional: Brother Gong march 20, 2007:
Live right now. has dual meaning.
Live--right now.
Live right--now.

Supernal blessings of choice--Moral agency. While we learn from the past and plan for the future we make decisions in the present.

Also key to joy in both time and eternity.

faith, repentance, covenants and receptiveness to the Holy Ghost are all and always will be tied to our living righteously. Todays choices shape tomorrows decisions. choice is as eternal as we are. faith, marriage, career--choices made before we are old enough to run for congress: 25.

we may put them off, but we can't escape them. Choices reveal define and refine us.
we have the give of the Holy Ghost. When we make mistakes there is always a way back, and the way back is always the way forward. The Saviors atonement helps us see the Lord's promises fulfilled in our lives right now.

1. Choices:
quinticential:
exesstential:
dilemas:
QED:

seek to live right in the right now.
Act for ourselves. Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy.

A. be anxiously engaged in a good cause D&C 58:27
B. Not run faster than we have strength Mosiah 4:27
so often everythign happens at once. How do we dilligently do all things in wisdom and in order.

A. We know we need to pray
B. but we may not know what to pray for.
left on our own there is none that doeth good. pray in all things. Neither being told in all things-->paralysis. "be careful what you ask for"

Choosing to trust in God takes faith. The best guide of all: the whisperings of the Holy Spirit.
Boyd K. Packer: Once you really determine to follow that guide, your testimony will grow and you will find provisions set out along the way, in unexpected places, as evidence that someone knew you would be traveling that way (Ensign May 1976).

On occasion in unexpected places--I have been grateful to find such provisions.

A. How do we say 'Thy will be done" and
B. Truly mean I want what He wants

Example: Abraham
Elder Madsen asked Hugh B. Brown (nearly 90) why Abraham needed to go to Mt. Mariah and offer up his only son to God? It was obvious President Brown had pondered and prayed and wept over that question many times before, he answered: "Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham."

Happily most choices in life are not Abrahamic tests, mortal choices do let us learn about ourselves. Ultimate Choose your own adventure. Hel. Chapter 10.

Meeting with happily engaged couples.
happy couples CTR the DTR. let the spiritual guide the physical. set distinct appropriate bounds. Living right now makes possible living happily in the future. Asking recommend questions is not to keep you from blessings. The Lord wants us to qualify for all the blessings. there is a law....obedience

Never underestimate seemingly small decisions. This includes how we choose to dress, speak or otherwise present ourselves. Do you protect your spiritual identity? Would you feel comfortable sharing "your profile" my space, facebook etc. Many employers review profile.

Life doesn't stop while we wait for answers.
The pioneers received inspiration while the wagon wheels turned.
The Lord has asked us to cheerfully do all that lies in our power, and then we may stand still... for His arm to be revealed.

Get on your knees and ask for help and then get up and go to work and you'll be able to find your way through almost any situation.--president Gordon B. Hinckley Go forward with faith Biography.

If you go to bed at 10 and get up by 6 am, things will work out for you.
he and his wife courted from across 2 hemispheres. He was at Oxford, she was teaching in Provo. They knew what they wanted but also sought the Lord's confirming guidance. not should I marry Susan--that is do all the work for me, but to say "I want to ask Susan to marry me, please confirm this decision which I have made with all of my heart." they waited and listened with faith. Answers come according to the varying situation. the right way to ask the right question for me.

A new picture of meekness: being at full gallop, but with velvet ears, Elder Maxwell's last BYU devotional address.

A. How do I distinguish between promptings of the Spirit and
B. My own personal feelings?
March Ensign: humility, and obedience precede inspiration. if we are living humbly and obediently we can know if we are being led by the spirit to get to know that attractive young man, or if it is our response to a Madison Ave. aftershave.

real choices: between good and good. happily we are not alone as we seek to live right now. Heavenly Father respects perfectly our agency and yet at times he Knows best also prompts and guides us.

His personal experience:
1. Promptings sometimes open unanticipated opportunities to help others
(using a specific door, allow us to help others)
2. sometimes come when our hearts go out to someone else.
(Nathan, Maria, Christi, Lindsey, Stephanie, mom, Brad, Scott, Dad etc.)
3. Promptings sometimes comfort or prepare us for things Heavenly Father knows are coming
(SMC) Quiet prompting that his father would not come to visit again. He upgraded his father's plane ticket, and allowed him to run errands with him. How grateful to God that He knows. The prompting to "come home." I don't ever want to do anything contrary to the mind and will of God.
4. Sometimes come at the very instant we need them to address the questions important to someone else.

Do you drink the lime juice the humble family offered him? I would thank the family profusely, I'd drink part then, thank them for their incredible hospitality, overcome with gratitude.

sometimes it is in the right now, in the instant that we learn things that are important to someone else. in each of our lives are experiences that Heavenly knows us. we can gallop with velvet ears. His promptings will bless us by opening choices we would not have otherwise known.

Make our best consistent choices. His Son will be our Savior and redeemer. Human choices require atonement. We've all had experiences we tried to be helpful and weren't. Inadvertently hurts anothers feeling, friend who dies, a suicide-- these bring us to seek "atonement"
thank you, i love you, please forgive me, I forgive you--they take on such greater meaning they become the 4 most important statements. The Savior's atonement can infuse these into our relationships right now. He knows, he can heal us. as we remember him, we can have his spirit to be with us.

Les Miserables--to love another person is to see the face of God. face matters. we face the facts. face 635 references to face 22 references to face to face, where great prophets saw and spoke with God face to face. The scriptures are a living reservoir. Take Elder Bednar's challenge--study patterns, connections. God has a face. Come to know his face. Approach Him in prayer through Jesus Christ. Do not think He is distant, do not be overly familiar or disrespectful.

Live right now:
1: ponder your patriarchal blessing
notice where Heavenly Father gives specific.general guidance
2: things I need to start, stop or continue doing
3: study life of prophets: Abraham
4:study times I've received guidance, how the Lord has spoken to me, archive them
5: count your many blessings: add I love you, thank you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, I forgive you to your vocabulary

we will no longer see through a glass darkly but will come to see God face to face.

Life, Nets & the IRS!!!

Basically if I didn't have the greatest brother in the world--I would be in trouble with the IRS--I forgot my taxes. And one of my employers forgot me... so it is a good thing that my incredibly brilliant brother--who graduated with an executive MBA in finance from the University of Penn Wharton--also skis and just happened to be at Snowbird today. I think that in the future I should best do my taxes before the 17th of April.

Today was an OK day. I spent a few hours working on a novel, recovering from the trauma of the night with the door open to my house. I got on the website for my church, and there was a quote from an apostle of God that I really felt applied to a lot of the things in my life lately:

"In the midst of the noise and seductive voices that compete for our time and interest, a solitary figure stands on the shores of the Sea of Galilee, calling quietly to us, 'Follow me.' "
Elder Joseph B. WirthlinEnsign, May 2002

Upon reading that article I was empowered to get out from some of the nets that I have gotten in lately--not that they are necessarily bad pursuits--they may have just become twisted in the not so distant past--and I needed the Lord's help to untangle them. OK, I am speaking very vaguely--I need to put my life in better priority.

My mom sent me a great article that contains excertps from "ADVERSITY CAN BRING YOU HAPPINESS" by Betty Rollin the famous author and highly respected MS NBC anchor woman who survived breast cancer, her terminally ill mother's suicide, divorce and all kinds of adversity. It helped me to really see that I have been granted many opportunities to gain insights, maturity, compassion, charity and love through some of the events that have transpired in my life and now I need not waste anytime heeding the call to follow Jesus Christ, no matter the cost.

"people grow, develop resources and gain skills, wisdom, strength they didn't know they had," Folk-man, researcher from UCSF says people facing adversity "review priorities; they have new meaningful goals; they live more in the moment." I am attempting to apply these things in my life. What good can I do? Who can I help? What talents can I utilize to serve God and man? Is there anything in my life that I need to abandon in order to attain such a consecrated life, and if so, am I willing to leave it behind? Each of the disciples had things they had to give up--successful jobs and careers, family, comforts and conveniences, leaving it behind for a life of learning and territory uncharted...

I couldn't help but think of it as leaving the nice groomed and comfortable area of a ski resort--stepping outside the bounds into a region not yet explored and without bounds or avalanche bombing, without groomed runs-This area means the greatest risk, but also the greatest possibility for adventure, for growth, for pure unabated enjoyment, and unparralleled risk--The greatest comfort--I have a guide. As we each step out into the unmapped mountains of our lives, Jesus Christ knows perfectly the region. And has given us not only his perfect example, but made available through the restored gospel of Jesus Christ the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. Other resources--A living prophet--the scriptures--safety precautions--commandments. He has helped to set the bounds by which I can live and experience joy and comfort even when i have to step out into the unknown, even when I have to experience pain, have my imperfections chiseled from my imperfect being. He has experienced all my suffering and joy, he has truly suffered all manner of tribulation and has overcome the world--he is not going to just carry me down the mountain, that would prevent me from learning to make my way down, it would reduce growth and experience, it would disable me from learning and becoming like him, it would, in the end reduce my capacity to think and feel and live and love. I would not be able to know the full measure of my potential, I would not know true joy because I would not have to act and think and work for myself. Were it not for him--I would be lost in my own personal wilderness and regardless of how well I thought I knew the area, no matter my ability or talent or perserverence, no amount of exertion on my part could prevent the inevitable--my death. I cannot do it without Christ, and luckily for me--He has overcome the world, he has conquered death and I can not only find sucess and happiness here, but I can enjoy the blessings of eternal life and exaltation.

If I don't wake up tomorrow...

Upon returning home from Nathan's this evening, I came in, bolted the front door behind me, grabbed a drink of partially frozen Powerade from the fridge, and headed toward my room. Feeling a draft--I became startled. It has been cold (65 degrees) the past 2 days with the Tornado warning and all--all my windows and doors were shut. I even turned the heat on for a little bit last night when I got back from the hot tub--so I know for a fact they were shut.

I came in the extra bedroom (where I keep my computer and painting stuff) and the sliding glass door is wide open. This would normally not alarm me--but I have not opened this door since before I left for Utah on March 28th. I did not open the door. I did not even unlock this door. I live alone in a condo on the top floor of a high rise overlooking the 9th hole of a palm beach course.

Immediately I tried to call Nathan. No answer. Straight to voice mail. It means he's asleep or in some state halfway between here and sleep. Not that I blame him--lip venom can be exhausting--he has to get up 'early' tomorrow ;)

I am a little nervous to check the closets and extra rooms in my house, so if I don't wake up in the morning--at least you can know that I went out on a wonderful note.

Today I went to South Beach with Kimi--she is great by the way. I am going to be very sad when she leaves for LA this Sunday and then for BYU-Hawaii the following week--for 8 months--but that's ok--I will go visit:) I am being lined up with a triathalon coach that lives in south beach--kind of exciting? I am training for a triathalon--With my soon-to-be-sister-in-law being an inspiring ironman athlete--I am really excited training!

Tonight was a good night. I was going to go with Christi to an AA meeting, but attempted to go to a suicide survivor group meeting(SSGM) instead. My meeting didn't go through, so I went to YSA FHE at the Boca chapel. After, I went up to Delray, met up with Christi and her roommate Nikki. We had roman style fresh tomato & basil pizza at Pizza Rustica on Atlantic Avenue. Then I left to go to Nathan's. We went for a walk out to the inter coastal waterway. The water is BEAUTIFUL at night!, The sky dark and clear and covered with a blanket of stars and satellites, the air brisk, just like 'April 15th--not too hot, not too cold, perfect weather for a light jacket.' Although Nathan's outfit was way better than a light jacket--a very attractive argyle sweater with J Crew knee length plaid shorts--when not worn together--both are incredibly attractive articles of clothing.

I wanted to sit on the edge of the bridge--he said-- "Ashley NO. You have terrible luck. You go on a mission--your internal organs stop working. You go for a run--and a temple worker of all people hits you on his way to work at the temple. A fish is going to jump up--grab you by the hair and pull you into the water." When he put it like that--I guess I really don't have the best luck ever. But I still think I do--which is great--I always will.

I think my favorite quote of the night may have been Nathan saying, "well, are you going to kiss me already or what?" I wonder if he is going to kill me for posting this? I am pretty sure I can cook (or do anything I do better than cooking) in order to get my way out of just about anything.

Oh, and I just found out that there is a cable park--for wake boarding about 5 miles from my house--that is kind of exciting. I need to get a boat. I think I am just going to build a house on a lake in Orlando and have a water ski school. great idea. OK, well, if there is some monster hiding under my bed and these are the last words i speak la vita e belle!

Ok, oK, OK

Oh how I love thee. Let me count the ways.
--Thank you to Stef-funny for her wonderful start on the blog for me!

I guess I should respond to Kell's urging and update this so that people know what is going on and why I am on the other side of the country...

I moved to Florida February 13th 2007. I just needed a change. My brother bought a condo for our grandpa here in Boca Raton, and he didn't like it (penthouse suite of a high rise over-looking the 9th hole of the green--I watched part of the PGA from my roof ;) and 5 minutes from the beach--rough life! This place was vacant--and so I came down--tried things out for a month. Got a job working with the greatest family ever--that is a wonderful story--but it'll have to wait--and then went back to SLC for general conference and a mission reunion and a meeting with the director of the BYU-Jerusalem center--I got accepted for Spring of this year--but my brother is getting married June 28th--HAPPY HAPPY DAY! So I have the option of going Fall 2007 or Winter 2008, I have yet to decide. I am really just taking it easy--meeting wonderful people, and and trying to recover from 2006. It was a busy year--in one month: being stalked, hit by a truck, and losing my brother--I earned a break.

I spend hours a day running the beach, or the trails, or swimming laps in my pool. I read more now than I ever did when I needed to for class ;) and I just try to make the most of everyday. I am learning about myself and other people, languages, cultures, activities--it is wonderful!

You are all welcome to come and visit anytime!