True Friends

Wow! Can a night be more complete than to be filled with 2hours talking to Christi, over an hour with Linds, and I didn't even dare look at my phone to see how long I've been on the phone with Steph? Is there anything so wonderful as a sincere friend? Someone who actual cares, and someone who you truly care about?

These are the people that see you as much for who you are as for who you can become--and they do all they can to help you achieve greatness. I honestly have the greatest friends ever born. Here it is they have finals and homework (or spring break ;) and yet they spend hours talking to the newest Floridian on the Phone...

Tonight was institute--it was wonderful! The life of the Prophet Joseph Smith is so inspiring! I am teaching Institute next week--that is a little intimidating--but it is just like teaching anything else--I just need to qualify for and obey the Spirit and all will be well.

Today was kind of a sad day. I spent lots of time in the sun, and reading scriptures and good books. The harrowing hellish nightmare nights and days have lessened a little in frequency and intensity--the biggest help has been to focus on serving other people. A few things have changed to where I have much more time on my own lately--that is hard. Where not spending time with a good friend may not have impacted me so severely last year--the time alone seems to magnify the void in my soul.

I miss Scott. Everything is more emotional than it used to be also. A driver honks at me in traffic (which for those of you that know the way I drive--only would that happen on the East Coast where you get ridden by a policeman in the left lane at 95MPH on the 95 ;) and I feel so horrible that I want to crawl into a hole and die. My good friend from my church group here called today to see how I was doing--it was very kind of her--she lost her brother in a car accident not too long ago--and she knows how it is to be affected by things that wouldn't previously have bothered you.

Grief is an interesting phenomenon. Have you ever sat on the beach and watched the waves long enough to see the tide actually change before your eyes? It can go from a near calm to high tide without a moments notice, or external surroundings like wind or rain may cause drastic and immediate changes. There will be moments when I feel at peace--and the sound of an unrelated child crying can take me back to the long nights comforting the kids (my nieces and nephew) just after their daddy died--in a split second everything seems to change.

That is one thing I am really trying to learn--as painful as those memories may be--or as much fear as I may have for the future--right now is the only thing that I truly have before me. Tomorrow will come, tomorrow will go. Yesterday was here and yesterday is gone. I don't know what I am saying--there are too many variables in my life to finish this at this moment in time--what am I doing for Spring? Jobs? Family? Hobbies? Books? where is my time best spent? Where can I do the most good? What does the Lord have in store for me? How can I best allow myself to heal?