What Matters Most...

From WikipediaPerfectionism, in psychology, is a belief that perfection can and should be attained. In its pathological form, perfectionism is a belief that work or output that is anything less than perfect is unacceptable. At such levels, this is considered an unhealthy belief, and psychologists typically refer to such individuals as maladaptive perfectionists.

A topic on my mind tonight as I face my last 5 tests in my massage therapy program... I would have to score near perfectly on my cumulative anatomy I, II & III exam tomorrow morning to maintain my current 4.0 GPA...and honestly...I just don't think that it is going to happen.

I tend to judge myself very harshly, even unrealistically in attempt to prove my worth... but I know my value runs much deeper than a letter grade, and this may just be a gift from God to really digest that. I have prayed that the unhealthy perfectionistic desires of my heart be changed by God--and at times I can honestly say that they have not mattered--easy to say when you are still attaining 'perfect' in the eyes of others--and very different when God provides the proving ground to see just how well I stand when given the opportunity.

I confided this fear of falling short with my roommate tonight and she said somethings that I am very grateful for. She commented on how the things I was striving for don't measure all my talents and what I do best.

In fact, what I consider to be my greatest feats and wonderful memories from this year have directly competed against my perfectionistic/grade driven mentality.

For instance, I set out with the goal to have perfect attendance and I made it all the way through August without missing a single minute of class--but then my niece Sydney stayed at my house and was up have the night sick and in order to be to school on time I would have had to wake her with only 4 hours of sleep--so rather than being on time to school I pinned a dark sheet over the window, made french toast for brunch and let her sleep as long as possible. Next week at graduation when I don't receive the perfect attendance award--I can proudly account for my time that day and know that there was no better place I could have spent my time than helping Sydney know that I love her and there is nothing more important than her in my life.

I easily could have gotten an A in Anatomy, but it would have required that I take time from something else in my life. For the past 6 months I have given 10-20 hours a week to AFSP--and last week with the incredibly successful event in SLC--I know the hand of God put me there as an instrument. I had budgeted my time and money so differently for this year while I was in school--I'd planned to bury myself in books, have no social life, and prove my worth with grades and superficial indicators of value...God had something else in store for me... the first week of the program I got put in as Relief Society President, Temple Ordinance worker, & Event Chair for AFSP SLC--and I wrecked my car--needless to say I hadn't really budgeted for any of those things...

I can say that have done my best this year in school, in callings, in my community-- and not only is that is all I can do--that is all God requires of me. I know that I have followed the counsel of the Lord in my life and done what He has asked of me in all things. All things considered I think I have done very well. It has been quite the opportunity to reflect tonight upon what really matters... I have cultivated greater patience, I have shown enhanced faithfulness and diligence, I have learned by study and also by faith, I have made goals--and then made adjustments to those goals as the spirit directed. I have learned more about wants and needs, and I have learned to go without. I have had to trust in others and allow some people to help me when I just couldn't make it on my own--that is very different for me--how grateful I am for every single person who has helped me this year. Every blessing you can imagine--dinner from a friend, lunch from someone who understands how it is to struggle making ends meet, an encouraging word when I didn't think I had the emotional or financial resorces to keep going. Love, friendship, generosity--I can truly say that the windows of Heaven have opened to me this year as I have paid my tithes and offerings in faith. A client who felt inspired to bring me a gallon of shampoo the very day I ran out, a friend who repaid an old loan I hadn't even remembered, 2 girls moving in next door who wanted to carpool when I didn't know when my car would be fixed, an electric bill that only cost $11.00 in the middle of July, better gas mileage than I've ever gotten in my life, a change in what I used to think I 'had to have' not using my air conditioner all summer, driving with the windows down even when it was 105 degrees, air drying my linens, lots of Top Raman ;) The opportunity and ability to work--in greater abundance than I even had room to receive--I truly love the Lord Jesus Christ and know that it has been in an through him that all these things are possible. He has increased my ability and success far beyond my natural capacity and I am so thankful for that.

I still have a lot to learn--indicated by this topic weighing on my mind tonight. I am not trying to justify myself; rather, to see that soometimes what the Lord has in store for me is far better than I could have planned for myself. As I did things for my calling tonight & went to FHE instead of frantically trying to know everything for the test in the morning...I am trying to see myself more as God sees me and as such be more loving and accepting of myself. Please don't get me wrong, the desire to apply yourself and get good grades is a noble one--but it is not the end in itself--I have learned so much from the program I am in, I have practiced faithfully and have an excellent clientele, I have not accepted the invitation to cheat with a large percentage of my graduating class, and I have done my very best. Even if I fail my final tomorrow--I will still get a B out of the class. And if in this case B is the best answer because it made possible room to learn and grow and develop traits far more important than a percentage on my transcript--I can stand before God and give an honest accounting of my life and with sincere gratitude thank Him for this opportunity to learn what matters most.