*Big Knuckles You're the BEST!*

Silly thing it only let me get to k...

...and just an FYI High School Musical is only because Syd loves troy so much that just having it on here brings a smile to my lips.

It tried to kill me...

There I was minding my own business, enjoying the sunset, a book in hand, on the phone w/Christi--when out of the blue the umbrella tried to take me out. Lucky for the HOA--I am 65 years younger than all of my neighbors/possible victims and my cat-like reflexes saved them one 'killer' grievance. That silly metal prong braised my cheek, and the other one was about 1/4" from my heart...

"It's a Wonderful Life!"

ONLY @ STEVE MILLER BAND IN BOCA!
Late in 2004 when I was en route from Sacred Heart Hospital (Spokane, WA) to Salt Lake City, UT--that was the counsel the presiding ecclesiastical leader over my service 'mission' gave to me "It's a wonderful life..." Whoa.

There are times when it is still hard to wrap my finite, little brain (go ahead bring on the little brain jokes...) around that notion. When you've been throwing up blood for an extended period of time and they can't figure out what is wrong and they are feeding you proteins laced with radio-active compounds to trace through your digestive organs, you may know what to think--BUT I wasn't really sure what to think--and I'll admit that wasn't always foremost on my mind--Let's be honest with the morphine drip--there wasn't much on my mind, let alone my "wonderful life..."

Today many elements of this "wonderful life" were so prevalent. That is an accomplishment of epic proportions.

First, on only 3 hours of sleep I had a very productive day. I find it very helpful to be anxiously engaged in a good cause [sorry to disappoint you mother, that does NOT mean that you are any closer to grand kids from me--slightly different engagement] But really--when i just get up and go to work--oh--and I have to tell you my new little acronym--

E-xercise
S-tudy
P-rayer
N-utrition

S-leep
C-ommunicate

*I love that you are all getting a small dose of the random thoughts that filter into consciousness on a very consistent basis with me--it must be that little brain thing again ;)

Back to my day that began with some kind of engagement ;) There were SO many blessings and opportunities that I don't even really know where to begin...All I know is that God is very aware. When we do all we can he truly takes care of us. 'John Taylor believed that God provides for our temporal needs in addition to our spiritual blessings. Our safety and happiness and our wealth depend upon our obedience to God and his laws, and our exaltation in time and eternity depends upon the same thing.'

My friend and I recently opened a business. Have you ever tried to make money without spending money? Have you ever set out to ALWAYS stay in the green. To always remain honest? To provide services that are mutually beneficial? It has been incredible to watch God help us even in our temporal affairs. We have cut drastically back to budgeting and spending only out of necessity (And NO, I do NOT mean "BOCA NECESSITY!") That means free entertainment, and lots of ramen noodles ;)-You'd be amazed how many ways you can eat a 9 cent meal! So today--we were invited to a 9 course--authentic Japanese dinner--this family lived in Japan for 5 years--it was better than the food we ate in Japan--course I was 12 and I was mortified by all the weird foods then. Literally 6 minutes later the phone rang--and our friend had 2 extra tickets to a concert tonight--The STEVE MILLER CONCERT!!! WOW!!! I had wanted to go to that concert back in January when I came here for vacation--now living here--I couldn't even begin to justify the cost--They wouldn't let us pay them anything for it--I am going to return and pay forward their kindness a hundred fold when i can :) And we were invited to dinner Sunday--and signed 3 new clients today, and received 2 referrals, booked 3 more consultations and 3 more jobs. WOW! When you want to be successful for the right reasons of helping others and doing good--and you base it on correct principles--the blessings of Heaven are more than I can even articulate--there are SO many! The money that was donated for our tickets to New York for the Suicide Prevention walk, the generous donations, and kind words of those that donated--WOW! And to see our clients lives improve--and that we help them to help themselves and that we are all better off-- I probably sound like a little kid--that's OK--I am! I even braided my hair in skier braids today and knocked a good 5 years off my age ;)

AND--I talked to my mother today--about 50 times ;) Thanks mamma! LOVE YOU!

OH! And I can't forget--my friend donated somethings for 'the kids' and I was able to get some stuff mailed off to them--the post office was closed when I got there and the lady came out from locked doors to get my packages to mail to them. WOW! I mean usually my experience with the post office is similar to that of the DMV...not usually unlocking doors to help you...even during business hours!

There are so many scenarios in life that we cannot plan for--that we cannot fix--and yet amid those--and even possibly because of those--"It's a Wonderful Life." After all had it not been raining all day--and in every part of Boca--except the amphitheatre where the concert was held--we may not have appreciated the crazy Florida weather patterns and enjoyed such good friends and good music!!!

"How to Save a Life..."

"...Pray to God he hears you
and pray to God he hears you
and where did I go wrong
I lost friend somewhere along in the bitterness,
and if I'd have stayed up with you all night,
then I'd know how to save a life,
where did I go wrong..." --the fray

I guess this is our way of 'staying up...all night" because we don't really know how to save a life, but we want to do all we can.

*We are participating in the AFSP Out of Darkness Overnight Race Against Suicide.
Please donate. All proceeds go to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP)

Ashley:
http://www.theovernight.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.personalpage&confirmid=10008832

Christianne:
http://www.theovernight.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.personalpage&confirmid=10008897

If each person who visited this site in the past few weeks donated $10.00 dollars, you would have combined to donate $4,350.00--

Chances are higher that you'll figure out how many people have visited this site before you'll donate... Even if you only donate $5.00. and go without 1.2 gallons of gas this week, pack a PB&J sadwich for lunch rather than buying, go without 1 bag of chips, take a water bottle and save buying 2, take I-95 rather than the Turnpike, rent a movie rather than going to the theatre, sell back even a poorly refunded textbook,or gather all the coin change you have lying around--you will have made up the difference.

Facts: Every 16 minutes someone dies by suicide.
Every 8 minutes someone attempts to die by suicide.
At some point we have to decide to do something,
By not deciding, you decide to do nothing.
Reading this may cause you to feel uncomfortable.

I realize I cannot make you do anything you don't want to--just like all the love, and support and funds in the world can't help some people that has decided suicide is his only option--we each must decide for ourselves. The truth is that suicide is something that makes people uncomfortable, they don't want to talk about it, they don't know what to say, they go to great lengths to avoid it, they think if they don't think about it--it will go away. But then you lose someone you love to suicide and you realize it will never go away unless we learn more, increase awareness and provide opportunites for others to learn more and/or recieve help if they are struggling.

I know that many of you have provided a great deal of love and support over the past 10 months, and I appreciate it very much. This is very important to me. I know I can't bring my brother back to life, but if I can help even 1 person, or contribute $10.00, or walk 20 miles, maybe his life, death and all this pain will not be wasted.

I'm posting Scott's obituary to show that depression and suicide happen to real people. No one is immune. You NEVER would have known that Scott struggled. Just like you and I can't tell who around us is suffering, join with Christi & I as we do all we can.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Our beloved daddy, Scott McClain Crist, suddenly passed away on Monday, July 3, 2006, in Farmington, Utah. Born in Bountiful, Utah on December 30, 1977, to Neil and Shannon Crist, Scott grew up in Bountiful and attended Bountiful High School. He married our mommy, Jami Borg, February 8, 2001. Daddy enjoyed many different sports and was a natural athlete. He was an avid outdoorsman and loved snowmobiling, wakeboarding and fishing. He held the record for the largest Muskie caught in Utah. Daddy's friends and family were very important to him and he always wanted to see us happy. He loved taking us fishing, to Jazz games and to Lake Powell. We loved having daddy lay by us at night to watch movies while we fell asleep. Scott is survived by his wife, Jami; their three beautiful children, Sydney (4), Stockton (3) and Samantha (1); his parents; his siblings, Matt Greaves (Laurel), Park City; Brad, Salt Lake; and Ashley, Provo. Scott is preceded in death by his grandparents, Royal and Alice Fisher, and Royce Crist. Funeral services will be held Saturday, July 8, 2006, at 12:00 noon at the Bountiful 50th Ward Chapel, 33 South Moss Hill Dr. (1500 East). Friends may call Friday evening from 6:00 - 8:00 p.m. at the Russon Brothers Bountiful Mortuary, 295 North Main and Saturday morning from 10:30 - 11:30 a.m. at the church prior to services. Interment-Bountiful City Cemetery. In lieu of flowers, contributions can be made to the Scott Crist Memorial Fund fbo Sydney, Stockton and Samantha Crist at any Zions Bank. "Daddy, we love you all the way to Heaven!"

Looking Beyond...

Last night was particularly rough. Finally after about an hour of lying in bed and telling myself that I was going to just fall asleep and be fine (I expose this as evidence that The best selling book, "The Secret" is in fact fraudulent--otherwise based solely on the power of positive thinking--I would have been sleeping as sweetly as a 3 year old after 2 days @ Disney World!)

On to my latest bout of insomnia:
What was I to do? I was crashing on the couch at my friends apartment, everyone was asleep, and it was after 1am. After an hour or more of attempted reading and journal writing--I was through--there had to be something that I could do. The thought came to mind to forgive someone. OK, there was only one person that I could ever remember having any type of residual hard feelings toward and, well, that was 10 years ago--and I was nearly positive that he wasn't even aware that his actions had hurt me. That and I knew his number still--from 10 years ago, but who has the same number for 10 years? in 10 years I finished high school, attended college, served a full-time mission bringing souls to Christ, lived in 4 countries and 3 states, moved 8 times, had 5 cell phones (complete with new numbers) and I tried to dismiss the thought. Being very thankful for text messaging I realized I could find out who had possession of that number without actually speaking to anyone--and seeing as it was much earlier on the west coast--that is what i did. long story short--he had the same number. Shocked I even thought of him, and even more shocked that I was calling to reconcile torn and tender feelings of trust and respect--after that it was much easier to fall asleep.

And then morning struck. I say that because if I don't get enough sleep it does not help me to start the day off right--but I woke up extra early and was able to make breakfast for my friend and her roommate, help her to start the day off well and then do a few things for some other people--What the difference a day can make. Getting up early, focusing on others, finding joy in service.

Why I share this is not to commend me for a day well-started--although I am very well pleased with the way I chose to live today--I want to share one of my favorite sentiments, and I wanted to share my story to preface why it was on my mind all day.

"The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best medicine for despair is service. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired." --President Gordon B. Hinckley

******Can I just insert that FLORIDA weather is INSANE? I was laying by the pool after work this afternoon, it started to sprinkle and now 5 minutes later you can't see 5 feet and the golfers on the course behind my house can't even see to drive the carts back to the country club--I LOVE it here!!!***********************************

I have proven this to be a true principle. Whenever I am feeling down I just need to look outside myself. I think we live in a world where people think they will find happiness if they focus on themselves and are self-absorbed or greedy, unkind, or stone-walled--this is so far from truth. I recently had someone tell me 5 times in 3 days in a very rancorous way that I served too much--is it possible to serve too much? I would like to assert that it is not. It is as I forget about the cares and concerns and anxiety of my own life and focus on others that the larger picture comes into view--my heart expands and I am truly happier as I am able to help and lift another.

Favorite Floridian Memories...

mem·o·ry /ˈmɛməri/
–noun, plural -ries. 1. the mental capacity or faculty of retaining and reviving facts, events, impressions, etc., or of recalling or recognizing previous experiences.

"It's what I always dreamed it would look like..." -Sydney McCale








"ARRRRGH you ready for this?!?"







*silence*

Walk Through the Darkness

I am not sure that any words sufficiently render the meaning of what I am about to write.

I feel as though I am standing facing my biggest fear right now. The screen is blank and my mind has a story written by a years of sorrow. Interspersed is tragedy--a walk through the darkness.

This is so hard to talk about that breathing becomes difficult, and involuntary organs seem to require concerted effort. I don't sleep much anymore because when I am asleep the dreams of what I could have done differently or may have done make me wish I were awake--only the waking state causes the reality of loss to burn so deeply into nerve tissue that it feels like a nightmare. If only... what if... maybe I could have... if you've ever seen the movie sliding doors, and how one small thing can affect a multiplicity of things in her life, that is what races through my mind.

My family suffers greatly from depression. (Def: a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface). Have you ever lived in depression?

I have. After my parents divorce--a severance so ugly thier court dates continue still today--12 years later. I found myself asking often if life held anything other than pain. I became very skilled in emotional anesthetics so as to avoid anguish.

*************************************************************************************
OK, at this point I have to break in with the events from this evening.
*************************************************************************************
As I was writing this 2 individuals who have inflicted a great deal of pain in my life contacted me. After many tears I am now even more resolved to write this--after all, it is in the times of greatest potential progress that there is the most opposition in my life.

Tonight I was able to attend an AA meeting and support my friend (really I think I needed it more than she did). I learned a great deal from the honest "sharing" of the individuals there. Seeing them face life and overcome different trials inspired me to do the same.

This is my personal quest to walk through the darkness. If even one individual can be helped to find the strength to walk through the pain, I promise you, if you keep walking, place one foot in front of the other, you will find God's hand outstretched waiting to teach you to walk through the darkness. (* as I typed that, the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, came up in i-tunes explaining Christ's invitation to come unto him, "he is saying to us, trust me, learn of me, do what I do, then when you walk where I am going he says, we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face, and the troubles you have, IF YOU FOLLOW ME I WILL LEAD YOU OUT OF DARKNESS he promises, I will give you answers to your prayers, I will give you rest to your souls."

"Broken Things to Mend"
http://www.lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=2e89e2270ed6c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
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I suffered through this vast emotional chasm until I found the Lord Jesus Christ. I remember having lost all resolve to live, death, even self-inflicted, appeared my only relief. My pain far exceeded my ability to cope. I had not the strength to place one foot in front of the other, nor the direction to know where I was going or if there was anywhere to go. At this point I was spending a lot of time with a young man and his family. I had the opportunity to be in their home, I felt something different there. It was a place of peace, a refuge, a place of happiness, a place of hope. I wanted that. I wasn't sure if it was really attainable--but I wanted to find out. My friends parents challenged him to read the Book of Mormon, to pray about it, and to come to know that reason to hope for himself. I still was not sure, but I wanted to believe that there was a reason to hope, so I picked up a copy of The Book of Mormon and I began to read.

That night, my brother came home... it was about three o'clock in the morning, he was hammered and wanted to know why I was reading that book. I couldn't even answer him...I didn't know. Incoherent and intoxicated he rambled on a little, then went downstairs to pass out. There had to be more to life than pain. There had to be something more than using substances to mask that pain. There had to be a reason to hope. I fell to my knees in the middle of my room, unsure if I were to speak in prayer if there was anyone listening. Was I talking to the wall? If Someone was listening, who was it? How was I to approach him? I couldn't even formulate words from the feelings of my heart.

And then I felt it. The love of God. A love that transcends all else. I still did not know what the purpose of life was, or if there was a purpose. I still didn't know the the purpose of pain. I didn't understand how a God could love me--and allow me to walk through the darkness I was in. I didn't know how that love of God that I felt could exist while there were hearts breaking and abuses being suffered, why didn't God displace this darkness?

That was 7 years ago. I still do not know perfectly the answers to those questions. But I have learned a little more each day--with every step--with every tear.

The closest I have come to perfect love is the love I have for my nieces and nephew. I would do anything for them. I used to say I would do anything to keep them from suffering... the following is a story that I hope illustrates my growing in understanding.

As a student at Brigham Young University, I lived in Provo Utah, and my friends had a pool. Sydney and Stockton would come and visit me on the weekend and I would take them to the pool. Stockton has always been fearless--the kid will do just about anything--at 3 he would jump from the top of our houseboat and wakeboard with me. Sydney on the other hand is much more conservative. A year older, still very reserved. While Stockton would jump off the diving board, Sydney only liked to jump into the comfort of my arms. She didn't like to get her face wet. She would jump over and over again--she loved it so long as I kept her head above water.

My loving friend Courtney--who is very honest--and as blunt as she is honest said, " you know you're going to make her drown right?" What? I would never! I was as defensive and as ignorant as they come. Court went on to explain that she taught swimming lessons, and the child has to learn sooner or later that if they jump in they will get wet--otherwise they rely on you and never learn to swim. "What happens if one day she jumps in, and you're not there to catch her?" Knowing truth when I hear it--I let Sydney jump in, and get her face just a little wet the first time, then gradually I backed away and let her get all the way immersed in the water--at first she was rather upset with me--soon she had forgotten entirely and was jumping off all on her own--calling to the people on the sides of the pool to "Watch me, everybody watch me!" I learned that day a little bit about why God allows us to walk through pain. When we get our face wet, when we are immersed in darkness--we have a choice--we can turn to the perfect source of light, or we will drown in despair. When we face resistance, we can grow bitter or we can acknowledge our inability to walk alone and ask God to lead the way. Our obstacles may not disperse before us, but with an outstretched hand--Christ will walk with us through the darkness.

When I fell to the floor 7 years ago, I was the 3 year old learning to swim--my face was getting wet--I knew God could save me from discomfort--only He loves me far too much--He is concerned with the exalted outcome. If he saves me now from a little water--I will never learn to swim. That is love. It would be much easier for God to remove all obstacles from my life; however, He patiently stands beside me as I learn to walk for myself. He lived to provide a perfect example for me of life amid trial and persecution, and then He suffered and died and in so doing freed each of us from the fetters of death and damnation. When you damn a river--you stop it's progress. Defined as: bringing about the failure of; ruin. Without Christ and his perfect love, we would all suffer failure and ruin. We would learn nothing. We would know only despair, or the fleeting sensations of the world. A world where we are led to believe that there is no reason to hope.

Late in the day on July 1st, 2006 I was in Boise Idaho with my best friends. I had been invited to go water skiing with their family for Independence day. I began to worry about my brother Scott. I called him multiple times and got no answer. I made some phone calls and learned that many choices had been made that day that affected him. Immediately my slight feelings of concern turned to imminent worry. Being personally attuned to the cries of desperation and knowing our family history--I tried to reach him.Finally, he responded. He let me know of the dark abyss which held him in it's grasp. He let me know that he could not see any way out. I told him of my love for him. I fasted and prayed and invited my family and loved ones to do the same. I plead with him to talk with God. I plead with God for him. I knew through communicating with God that He had all power to preserve my brothers life; however, He would not. He would not spare Scott from the consequences of his actions--so doing would lead to damnation--the inability to think and act for oneself, to choose to accept Christ and to progress. Without this dichotomy we would never learn. Christ raised men from the dead. He created men and women in the beginning and He died to give each one the opportunity to choose despair and death, or to reach up, seek Him and walk through the darkness toward life eternal.

Scott ended his mortal life July 3rd 2006. In a note he left for our family he said, "I am so sorry for what I have done. I can't see anyway out of the many holes I have dug myself..." There is a way out. Christ has provided a way. He is "the way, the truth, and the life" (John 14:6). He, only, is the way out of such depression. It is through the mercy and love and healing of the Lord Jesus Christ that we are enabled to walk when of ourselves we do not have the strength to stand. Because it is the love of God that saves us, Drugs and alcohol only intensify the schism and deepen our despair because they make us less able to feel His love. I have not suffered to the extent that my brother did; although the suffering since he died has been so great that at times I thought my heart would stop beating and no longer give life to my mortal body, but I do know that Christ is walking with me. His arm is extended all the day long and He is just waiting and wanting for each of us to ask to be led out of darkness.

The last thing Scott said was, "I hope there is something on the other side." And to any of you that may read this and find yourself unsure of what is on the other side--it is the same loving, merciful God that we find access to in prayer. It is the same unconditionally loving Father in Heaven who sees our need to learn and progress and in His higher purposes allows us to face trial and heart-ache, devastation and desperation. It is the same perfect Christ that will lead us out of darkness into the light. I am living proof that it is possible.


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I registered today for the Suicide Prevention and Awareness 20 mile walk out of darkness June 9Th 2007 in New York. I need to raise $1,000 in a month.

If you have ever suffered from depression, if you have ever walked in darkness, or watched a loved one battle through despair, or become lost in these infernal regions, I would love your support; however, please do not feel obligated--I only want the support of those who want to give it.

http://www.theovernight.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.personalpage&confirmid=10008832

http://www.theovernight.org/files/Overnight/OVERNIGHTWEBquicktime.mov

What is Love?

Tonight we spoke of the heart and how it symbolizes love, not because it is an organ of feeling, but because it pumps blood throughout the body, making it a living, breathing, functioning organism. Without the heart circulating blood throughout the body it would cease to live, the body would die.
So what is love if it is the lifeblood of our existance?

I received an e-mail from my mother today, I thought of love.
I spent time with my friend Rachel,her husband & little boys, I contemplated love.
I spoke with God in prayer today, I pondered love.
I talked to an old friend at 3 o'clock in the morning, I laughed because of love.
I got a nice voicemail from my brother, again I meditated upon the meaning of love.
I was taught about Jesus Christ and his followers tonight, I reflected on love.
I looked through some old photos of my brother and his children, I mourned love.
I went off on someone I deeply care for when his actions hurt me, I lost love.
I spent time serving people I care about, I thought more of love.
I saw a friend who had tears in her eyes, I saw another facet of love.
I watched videos from my nephews birthday party, I missed little ones I love.
I set up a business to strengthen homes and families, motivated by love.
I read some things to discover who I am, I am learning self-love.
I gave a card to a friend returning to South Africa tomorrow, an expression of love.
I am unable to sleep, my mind racing through the facets of love.

What is love to you? There are so many dimensions, so many definitions, so many decisions, so many determinations, so many destinations, so many directives. What is love to you?

The world today does not know what love is.

Many manifestations of "love" in society are fallacious.
The media depictions of love are deceptive and degrading.
Even the dictionary definition of "love" leaves a great deal to be desired, qualitatively speaking:

love /lʌv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun 1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object) 15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object) 21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms23. for love, a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love, a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Origin: bef. 900; (n.) ME; OE lufu, c. OFris luve, OHG luba, Goth lubō; (v.) ME lov(i)en, OE lufian; c. OFris luvia, OHG lubōn to love, L lubére (later libére) to be pleasing; akin to lief]
—Synonyms 1. tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. 1, 2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.
—Antonyms 1, 2. hatred, dislike. 15, 16. detest, hate.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Certain definitions would stand on their own as merely a physical act, a word represented in communications, something fleeting like desire, chiefly tennis?

These do not encapsulate the meaning of love.

What does love mean? To you? In your life? How do you define love?

"Powerful Beyond Measure..."

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

quote by Marianne Williamson, frequently misquoted to Nelson Mandela
(I'll be honest, I don't really care who said it; rather, I am looking to apply this in my life.)

I am going to do wonderful things, I am going to bring joy and happiness to tens of thousands. I would like to appreciate the people around me that reminded me of that --with the less than inspiring influences around me the past few days--I have divine worth. Many times this week I was feeling down and was literally on my knees seeking help from God and there were those friends that reached out to lend a hand, or a voice of inspiration, even just an affirmation that God is aware and so long as the desires of my heart are righteous and I am obedient, God will give me strength and sustain me in my endeavors.

I was talking to one of my best friends here in Boca today, Rachel, and she challenged me to think about the kind of man that I do want to marry (long story) and one of the qualities is tied into the principle in the aforementioned quote, I want to marry a man that is so secure in his relationship with God that he does not feel inferior when I succeed. He does not worry that if I amount to greatness it will diminish the light shed on his own accomplishments. I also want to be the kind of person that inspires and enables everyone around me to greatness.

Last night I let the less than kind actions and opinion of another throw me into deep feelings of inadequacy and lead me to feeling beaten, worn out, not good enough, smaller than the tasks at hand... I will never again give anyone that power over me. I am a daughter of God. He has made both things to act and things to be acted upon and has made it very clear that as a human being I have the capacity to reason, to act and to think for myself.

Here are 2 amazing resources I have been referencing as I try to realize that potential, and to choose the "better part" (Book of Mormon: 2 Nephi Chapter 2).

"To Young Women" by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
http://www.lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=b99c78de9441c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=true#1

"How Can I Become the Woman of Whom I Dream" By President Gordon B. Hinckley
http://www.lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=07d0759235d0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=true#1

A Tribute to My Mother!

Mama, Mommy, Madre, Mamma, Mom, Mother, Hammy Shan!

Well, with the exception of the year I spent away from my family while I was out serving people, this will be the first time I am not with my mother for Mother's day. I miss her. And since I think that all too often we reserve our cherished memories or sweet reminisces until it is too late, I present to you:
A Tribute to My Mother
My mother has taught me a great deal about life. She is survivor. I can't even begin to think how hard this particular Mother's day will be--she lost her 'baby boy' last year--he went back to be with our loving Father in Heaven. Both my mother's parents have also left this mortal life. The holidays are a time of mixed emotions, but I am going to focus on the wonderful ones!

This is my mother as a little girl:
Isn't she beautiful?!? (don't worry mom, I won't put the year on it ;)

My mother is the second oldest child, the oldest girl and there are eight children in her family (five boys and three girls). As the oldest girl she grew up very quickly and learned to many things well to help out her family. This benefited her (and me) very greatly because she learned to be a great hostess--I learned to throw the best dinner parties and have people over. I love cooking with my mother. Only a few rules--if I taste the food too many times she'll threaten to smack me--but never will. Always cook too much food and always tell the story about when my "cousin Chad ate all the mashed potatoes" or when "Uncle Matt had to eat all his other food first because he liked Cranberries SO much..." Ah yes... and then we play "FAT DOG" together--What's not to love?!? Sammy eating world famous BBQ ribs!!!

My mother was very close to her older brother Lynn--he died 22 years ago. I never really thought about the impact this must have had on my mother because I was so little at the time--but even then--she did all she could for his six children, so much that we remain closer to them then many of our relatives. Only one example of my mother's great love.
This is a picture of her with her with Lynn.

Again--the most adorable little girl--that's my Mother :)

My Mom grew up in Bountiful (I found out recently that when she was tiny she actually lived in Georgia? when my Grandfather was in the service--kinda cool). They lived a couple blocks south and a block or so west of Winegars Grocery store on Orchard Drive. She Graduated from Bountiful High--the same school all her children attended (some of us learned a little more than others--Brad.) People from high school still remember and love her--and that says quite a bit cause that was a few years back ;)

My mom then attended Utah State and Weber State?!? She had already learned many life skills from all she did to help out at home--skills that are foreign to me--like how to sew a button on ;) My Mother has a beautiful singing voice! She sings alto and should have tried out for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir! She has served in various teaching and leadership positions in the church--which can't be easy without the support she deserved at home. My mother was never honored or cherished the way she deserved to be in marriage--she has helped me to see that a shared commitment to and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is far more important than anything else. She also taught me from a very young age--that even if on the way to the temple you are not sure about the decision you are making--DO NOT GET MARRIED--I wonder if I keep getting older and remain single if she will withdraw that claim? Doubtful. My mother is incredibly beautiful! One of the guys I dated in high school saw a picture of my mom and said he would totally have dated her--I wasn't really sure how I should take that..? But it is true, see for your self:

Now I just want to brag a little about my mom. She is the most honest individual I have ever met. I learned from her at a very young age that you have one option: integrity. When I was about five years old, we went to buy dinner at a little diner in downtown Bountiful called "Eat-A-Burger." They gave us an extra order of french fries: 75 cents. She drove right back down and paid for them. I remember waiting tables about 2 blocks from there in high school and chasing after a young couple who had left over 100$ wait, wait, let me get you change I said--they'd left it on purpose and thanked me for the best/most honest service they had ever had--that was a credit to my mother.

Nightmares: I was born when my parents were getting older (that is a fact ;) and not really expecting another child--but I knew my mom really wanted a girl--She already had 3 little boys: Matt, Brad and Scott (Matt was adopted as a baby when she didn't think was able to have children.) And I must say "nightmares" does not refer to the frilly dresses, girlish pinks, silly sponge rollers, crazy dance classes and mini-cheerleading clinics she used to try to convince me to enjoy--but I had really bad dreams as a little kid and my mommy used to rock me in the rocker in the living room, "the piano room" as I called it. She would sing me songs and tell me stories and rock me to sleep. I remember being about five and going into my room and saying I went to sleep and had a bad dream and getting her to rock me--I guess that must have been before my lesson in honesty... I just wanted her to rock me to sleep.


Giving: My mother would give you her heart. When we would eat watermelon on hot summer days--my mom always saved the best for last--unlike me--I devoured it first. But if I asked her to share with me--she always gave me the heart. Much the same with steak--she would cook a T-bone and give the tenderloin to the child whether it was me or my nieces and nephew. When I was on my mission and my mom didn't have a lot financially--she would send me money and tell me she was just wanting to do something nice for me. She wrote me at least once a week the whole time I was gone.

Kindness: When my great-grandma was alive we used to cut a tree out of our yard and put it up with her for Christmas. My mom would take us kids to visit "Grandma B" whenever the boys went to the Orthodontist in Sugar House. When grandma B died it was the first time i lost someone I loved--I didn't understand--I was in the 3rd grade and i cried a lot. My mom slept downstairs on the couch with me and just let me cry--she cried with me. I have since learned that grief grows out of love and you cannot avoid either and live a meaningful life.

Birthdays: It doesn't matter who you are--if my mom has heard your birthday once--she'll remember it--she may even send you a card or an e-mail. I think she has this photographic memory that applies especially to birthdays. And well, since today is Stockton's birthday--I just wanted to put this picture here!

Service: My mother has never turned down a call to serve. Even when she got called to work in the temple on Saturdays--mind you--she works five days a week and doesn't work or recreate on the sabbath--and is the head of a single-parent household--Saturday was her only day to do things like work in the yard--but she did it to serve God. Just like today when she is teaching Sunday School and meeting with the Bishop before church--and she probably didn't even want to go to church--but she will.

Legs: My mom has the nicest legs ever--lucky for me--I inherited them. Once our old bishop even announced that she had the nicest legs... again...how do you respond to that?

(Mine is the one on the right...Did I mention I inherited the same humor ;)

Humor: My mom is funny. If you get her going on a cheeky roll--you better watch out--she can dish it. Especially recently she seems to say it how it is--like when my uncle (who isn't the best brother to my mom) showed up and was pretending to care because he wanted something--she just plain said--don't act like you care--what do you want? Or the time we were at one of my friend (boy's) houses and she told him how it had been her dying mother's wish that I marry him--I said she is funny--I didn't say that sometimes I feel a little awkward after ;)

Just a really cute picture of Samantha the day my mom and I took her to have her pictures taken--we took her into the hall and this woman stopped to say--oh how beautiful she is--and Sammy belched right then she was so excited about the Pepsi display--I don't know what the woman thought after that...)


If you try to get her on the phone--you're probably wasting your time--if you are the mailman you already know that she gets more magazines than any other Utah resident. If you want to see the "sexy bikini walk" you are going to have to ask her... but if you want to see a mother that through a lot of hardship has really tried to love her children while respecting their use of agency--that's mia mamma--a nickname she earned while I lived in Italy--because together she and I make better pizza than the natives!

And mind you--she is the greatest "hammy shan" in the world! She loves her little Sydney, Stockton and Samantha so much! She sends them packages--and buys them jamies, and reads them stories, and let's them tear her house apart, and walks the floor with them at night and lets them climb in bed with her (and then kick her in the side all night--I'm sorry we're all "wiggle worms," recently she drove straight through 12 states with me to Florida. (we went through Ohio to see the little ones) and she played dress up with the kids--we were SO tired--but she put her whole heart into loving and playing with them while we were there!


I LOVE YOU ALL THE WAY TO HEAVEN, AND SO DO THEY!!!