Walk Through the Darkness

I am not sure that any words sufficiently render the meaning of what I am about to write.

I feel as though I am standing facing my biggest fear right now. The screen is blank and my mind has a story written by a years of sorrow. Interspersed is tragedy--a walk through the darkness.

This is so hard to talk about that breathing becomes difficult, and involuntary organs seem to require concerted effort. I don't sleep much anymore because when I am asleep the dreams of what I could have done differently or may have done make me wish I were awake--only the waking state causes the reality of loss to burn so deeply into nerve tissue that it feels like a nightmare. If only... what if... maybe I could have... if you've ever seen the movie sliding doors, and how one small thing can affect a multiplicity of things in her life, that is what races through my mind.

My family suffers greatly from depression. (Def: a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface). Have you ever lived in depression?

I have. After my parents divorce--a severance so ugly thier court dates continue still today--12 years later. I found myself asking often if life held anything other than pain. I became very skilled in emotional anesthetics so as to avoid anguish.

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OK, at this point I have to break in with the events from this evening.
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As I was writing this 2 individuals who have inflicted a great deal of pain in my life contacted me. After many tears I am now even more resolved to write this--after all, it is in the times of greatest potential progress that there is the most opposition in my life.

Tonight I was able to attend an AA meeting and support my friend (really I think I needed it more than she did). I learned a great deal from the honest "sharing" of the individuals there. Seeing them face life and overcome different trials inspired me to do the same.

This is my personal quest to walk through the darkness. If even one individual can be helped to find the strength to walk through the pain, I promise you, if you keep walking, place one foot in front of the other, you will find God's hand outstretched waiting to teach you to walk through the darkness. (* as I typed that, the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, came up in i-tunes explaining Christ's invitation to come unto him, "he is saying to us, trust me, learn of me, do what I do, then when you walk where I am going he says, we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face, and the troubles you have, IF YOU FOLLOW ME I WILL LEAD YOU OUT OF DARKNESS he promises, I will give you answers to your prayers, I will give you rest to your souls."

"Broken Things to Mend"
http://www.lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=2e89e2270ed6c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
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I suffered through this vast emotional chasm until I found the Lord Jesus Christ. I remember having lost all resolve to live, death, even self-inflicted, appeared my only relief. My pain far exceeded my ability to cope. I had not the strength to place one foot in front of the other, nor the direction to know where I was going or if there was anywhere to go. At this point I was spending a lot of time with a young man and his family. I had the opportunity to be in their home, I felt something different there. It was a place of peace, a refuge, a place of happiness, a place of hope. I wanted that. I wasn't sure if it was really attainable--but I wanted to find out. My friends parents challenged him to read the Book of Mormon, to pray about it, and to come to know that reason to hope for himself. I still was not sure, but I wanted to believe that there was a reason to hope, so I picked up a copy of The Book of Mormon and I began to read.

That night, my brother came home... it was about three o'clock in the morning, he was hammered and wanted to know why I was reading that book. I couldn't even answer him...I didn't know. Incoherent and intoxicated he rambled on a little, then went downstairs to pass out. There had to be more to life than pain. There had to be something more than using substances to mask that pain. There had to be a reason to hope. I fell to my knees in the middle of my room, unsure if I were to speak in prayer if there was anyone listening. Was I talking to the wall? If Someone was listening, who was it? How was I to approach him? I couldn't even formulate words from the feelings of my heart.

And then I felt it. The love of God. A love that transcends all else. I still did not know what the purpose of life was, or if there was a purpose. I still didn't know the the purpose of pain. I didn't understand how a God could love me--and allow me to walk through the darkness I was in. I didn't know how that love of God that I felt could exist while there were hearts breaking and abuses being suffered, why didn't God displace this darkness?

That was 7 years ago. I still do not know perfectly the answers to those questions. But I have learned a little more each day--with every step--with every tear.

The closest I have come to perfect love is the love I have for my nieces and nephew. I would do anything for them. I used to say I would do anything to keep them from suffering... the following is a story that I hope illustrates my growing in understanding.

As a student at Brigham Young University, I lived in Provo Utah, and my friends had a pool. Sydney and Stockton would come and visit me on the weekend and I would take them to the pool. Stockton has always been fearless--the kid will do just about anything--at 3 he would jump from the top of our houseboat and wakeboard with me. Sydney on the other hand is much more conservative. A year older, still very reserved. While Stockton would jump off the diving board, Sydney only liked to jump into the comfort of my arms. She didn't like to get her face wet. She would jump over and over again--she loved it so long as I kept her head above water.

My loving friend Courtney--who is very honest--and as blunt as she is honest said, " you know you're going to make her drown right?" What? I would never! I was as defensive and as ignorant as they come. Court went on to explain that she taught swimming lessons, and the child has to learn sooner or later that if they jump in they will get wet--otherwise they rely on you and never learn to swim. "What happens if one day she jumps in, and you're not there to catch her?" Knowing truth when I hear it--I let Sydney jump in, and get her face just a little wet the first time, then gradually I backed away and let her get all the way immersed in the water--at first she was rather upset with me--soon she had forgotten entirely and was jumping off all on her own--calling to the people on the sides of the pool to "Watch me, everybody watch me!" I learned that day a little bit about why God allows us to walk through pain. When we get our face wet, when we are immersed in darkness--we have a choice--we can turn to the perfect source of light, or we will drown in despair. When we face resistance, we can grow bitter or we can acknowledge our inability to walk alone and ask God to lead the way. Our obstacles may not disperse before us, but with an outstretched hand--Christ will walk with us through the darkness.

When I fell to the floor 7 years ago, I was the 3 year old learning to swim--my face was getting wet--I knew God could save me from discomfort--only He loves me far too much--He is concerned with the exalted outcome. If he saves me now from a little water--I will never learn to swim. That is love. It would be much easier for God to remove all obstacles from my life; however, He patiently stands beside me as I learn to walk for myself. He lived to provide a perfect example for me of life amid trial and persecution, and then He suffered and died and in so doing freed each of us from the fetters of death and damnation. When you damn a river--you stop it's progress. Defined as: bringing about the failure of; ruin. Without Christ and his perfect love, we would all suffer failure and ruin. We would learn nothing. We would know only despair, or the fleeting sensations of the world. A world where we are led to believe that there is no reason to hope.

Late in the day on July 1st, 2006 I was in Boise Idaho with my best friends. I had been invited to go water skiing with their family for Independence day. I began to worry about my brother Scott. I called him multiple times and got no answer. I made some phone calls and learned that many choices had been made that day that affected him. Immediately my slight feelings of concern turned to imminent worry. Being personally attuned to the cries of desperation and knowing our family history--I tried to reach him.Finally, he responded. He let me know of the dark abyss which held him in it's grasp. He let me know that he could not see any way out. I told him of my love for him. I fasted and prayed and invited my family and loved ones to do the same. I plead with him to talk with God. I plead with God for him. I knew through communicating with God that He had all power to preserve my brothers life; however, He would not. He would not spare Scott from the consequences of his actions--so doing would lead to damnation--the inability to think and act for oneself, to choose to accept Christ and to progress. Without this dichotomy we would never learn. Christ raised men from the dead. He created men and women in the beginning and He died to give each one the opportunity to choose despair and death, or to reach up, seek Him and walk through the darkness toward life eternal.

Scott ended his mortal life July 3rd 2006. In a note he left for our family he said, "I am so sorry for what I have done. I can't see anyway out of the many holes I have dug myself..." There is a way out. Christ has provided a way. He is "the way, the truth, and the life" (John 14:6). He, only, is the way out of such depression. It is through the mercy and love and healing of the Lord Jesus Christ that we are enabled to walk when of ourselves we do not have the strength to stand. Because it is the love of God that saves us, Drugs and alcohol only intensify the schism and deepen our despair because they make us less able to feel His love. I have not suffered to the extent that my brother did; although the suffering since he died has been so great that at times I thought my heart would stop beating and no longer give life to my mortal body, but I do know that Christ is walking with me. His arm is extended all the day long and He is just waiting and wanting for each of us to ask to be led out of darkness.

The last thing Scott said was, "I hope there is something on the other side." And to any of you that may read this and find yourself unsure of what is on the other side--it is the same loving, merciful God that we find access to in prayer. It is the same unconditionally loving Father in Heaven who sees our need to learn and progress and in His higher purposes allows us to face trial and heart-ache, devastation and desperation. It is the same perfect Christ that will lead us out of darkness into the light. I am living proof that it is possible.


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I registered today for the Suicide Prevention and Awareness 20 mile walk out of darkness June 9Th 2007 in New York. I need to raise $1,000 in a month.

If you have ever suffered from depression, if you have ever walked in darkness, or watched a loved one battle through despair, or become lost in these infernal regions, I would love your support; however, please do not feel obligated--I only want the support of those who want to give it.

http://www.theovernight.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.personalpage&confirmid=10008832

http://www.theovernight.org/files/Overnight/OVERNIGHTWEBquicktime.mov