I'll never forget the day I got my letter of rejection from the BYU London Study Abroad...I got it twice, once from each parent's house...
The second time I pulled it from the mailbox I burst into tears. A frenzy of disappointment, rejection, confusion...and a pile dreams and plans that turned quickly to mud at my feet.
I called my brother. I wanted to be validated, felt sorry for, hear BYU ripped to shreds... something... but instead, the words that followed continue to influence my life for good--maybe now I've learned to stop and listen a little better.
"Ash calm down--when one door closes, find a better one."
And so I did, that very day I applied for the Visual Arts Program in Italy, Switzerland, France & England--it turned out to be one of the choicest experiences and defining times of my life. The people in our branch in Italy showed me what it was to really live the gospel of Jesus Christ--something I had not seen much of growing up in Bountiful Utah. My passion for the arts was rekindled, a desire to serve others began to grow within my heart, an unquenchable thirst to see the world was grafted into my soul and there I began the long journey of figuring out who I am, what I desire in life, and how I will attain those dreams.
Who I am:
I recently read the following from a complete strangers blog that impressed me...
"I always find it difficult to give a self description--not because I feel I don't know who I am--but because I feel a few sentences telling of some aspect of my life, certain roles I have, or background often may result in an inaccurate portrayal of who I am. I'm not sure anyone could articulate an encompassing description of themselves..."
There are times in my life where I feel that I know who I am, and then there are bleak nights or shattered dreams that cause me to wonder. There are roles that I have had that allow me a glimpse of who I am...there are false perceptions that I buy into of who I am, or who others expect me to be. When it really comes down to it--I'm still learning everyday who I am and what I want.
Sister Kristin Oaks, in a CES Fireside last year said: "when you know who you are and what you want and what you are looking for, you will find it."
At the time that seemed like such a no brainer--everyone knows who they are and what they want, right?!? I didn't, and I still don't completely. I know a lot of what I don't want, or of what I'm not looking for, or who I am not, I guess you could say I learn a great deal in the school of hard knocks...but there are few things that I know without question. I know that God lives. I know that he knows me. I know that there is life after death and that I will see my brother again. I know that I am not perfect--but on that same note--I am perfectly imperfect--improving everyday upon my weaknesses. I know that I have a very sensitive heart and I love and grieve very deeply--for a long time I chose to be numb so as to avoid such depths of emotion. I have also learned that from the hardest things in life--come the most profound truths.
I didn't know for sure that there was life after death or that I would see my brother again--until he died.
I didn't know the importance of love and marriage and the family--until i grew up in a family void of such ideals.
I didn't know how much I yearned for safety and peace--until I reflected on what it was like to grow up without them.
I didn't know the importance of sobriety until watching as my friend struggled to maintain hers.
I didn't know how much I desire to love another and be cherished by him--until I lived in relationships that lacked such characteristics.
I didn't know the importance of the temple until I made the sacrifice to be there 6 hours each week.
I didn't know the importance of implicit chastity, until I saw a friend suffer from having aborted her child.
Without the antitheses of joy, would I really have the conviction and faith sufficient to seek after and obtain joy? Without knowing heartache, would I even be able to differentiate that and happiness? I guess you could say that that sometimes the poorest spot of ground actually yields the most strength and tenderness as we turn to Christ and ask in faith that He show us what we are to learn--even the worst of trials can provide the sweetest lessons.
[from an earlier post]
I don't know why my friend has cancer, but I know not to take a single day for granted. I know to express my love to he and his sweet wife, to make wonderful memories with them now, I know that taking the time to paint for him his favorite fishing spot--is probably the most important thing I can do today--even if it is finals week.
I don't know why my dream of getting married and raising a family is being postponed, but I know that the lessons I am learning now of financial Independence and frugality will help me be a much more wise steward of the resources we are blessed with in my future family. I know that the previously undealt with emotional issues, and family of orgin things would have been a liability as a wife and mother and so this time has been a great blessing to refine and purify my own life while looking forward to the joy of marriage and family life in the gospel. I have been given the chance to be an ordinance worker, something I won't again have the chance to do until all my children are adults. I have the time to focus on school and multiple degrees, to increase my earning capacity and marketability so that if necessary I can help support my family, I can contribute to their missions and college educations so that they will have as many opportunities afforded them as possible. I have had the opportunity to travel the world--something I will continue to do. I have had the opportunity to live in various countries and states, to see true poverty and appreciate more the blessings and prosperity I have. I have the opportunity to develop talents that may have been left untouched for years--painting, writing, photography, service, cooking, running, skiing, teaching, loving. I have had the chance to date &/or get to know so many great people--some that choose not to live up to their greatness--but nonetheless I have learned wonderful things from each one of them.
From Brent--how to laugh and have fun, from Corey--how to plan and organize, from Nathan--how to dream big, from Alan--sensitivity, from Dave--not to give up on something you want in life, from Ryan--how to match your actions to your words, from Mark--how to do what's right regardless of what's going on around you, from Isaac--to always be willing to help someone in need, from Jim--that stalwart and fun truly can come together, from Ben--how to realize something needs to be done, from Benjamin--really applying yourself to your studies, From Robbie & Russell--that good guys really are the way to go, from Gard--how to follow the spirit and just listen w/o trying to fix the situation, from Jeff--to follow your heart, from James--how to make family your first priority, from Andrew--unwavering diligence, from Craig--how to relax and just enjoy life, from Kip--a passion for teaching, from Eric--power in the priesthood and covenant keeping, from Jake--a high level of expectation and moral cleanliness, from Josh--working hard for what you want, from John--sincerity, from Jon--to not to settle for mediocre even if everyone else does, from Steve--balance work and play...
I don't understand why paralyzing illness or abuse has touched my life, but I do value my health in a way I don't know that I otherwise would. I do understand and empathize more with others because of these experiences, and I know the importance of making and keeping safe boundaries. I also know and am aware of the possibility of becoming a victim to your circumstances when they are difficult or when another person's choices are hurting you--but I choose to act and not be acted upon. Somethings in life we cannot control, but we can always control how we react. And we can always choose our attitude even during the hardest times.
I don't know how long I will grieve the loss of my brother, but I now know never to take one moment for granted, I know not to let times go when you can say I love you face to face, I know now never to judge another, I know understand that some illness cannot be seen--they must be perceived from the heart. I'm so grateful for every picture I took and memory I recorded, I enjoy every moment I can with his kids and realize that sometimes sliding down the stairs in a sleeping bag, or watching the incredibles really is more important than anything else if I am spending time with those I love. I now know that I never regret sharing my knowledge of God's love with another. I never regret praying by name for someone I care about, and I know now more of the infinite atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ than I ever did before.
I don't know what it is that I am supposed to be learning right now--That isn't true.
I just need to take the time to ponder the things I learning in order to better see the hand of the Lord in my life. I need not be impatient with myself or God.
In fact there is so much that I don't have answers to... That is true--I don't know it all--but if I did, I would never have to go on faith. If I had all the answers, it wouldn't be much of a test, and if I didn't have to dig deep within my soul to find the strength to carry on, I may not have the enduring characteristics, or Christ-like attributes that help me to become like him, and to enjoy eternal life with those I love. I do know that God lives, he is my father in Heaven. I know that he loves me, and with his ability to see the past from the future, the end from the beginning...i trust in the refining purpose of these trials, I know that I have learned things that I could not otherwise know. My faith in His ability and power unto deliverance will increase...
Not only will I endure, I will rejoice and endure in faith, and continue to dream--allowing God through his grace to enanble me, to make my dreams a reality.
