A Few of My Favorite Things!!!

Jason.BYU Football. Fall. Saturdays together.Jason.Old friends. Incredible seats. Mission Presidents :)Jason.

Jason...

So I just happened to move into this new ward in Provo about the same time a boy named Jason moved in... He is pretty amazing...and we all know 'amazing attracts amazing!' ;)

You may have noticed that I haven't spent much time blogging lately... there are a few contributing factors: I finished my internship last Saturday, graduated Thursday and took my national exam! :) And somewhere in there I have managed to spend every waking hour with him.

I am learning so much about incredible men who treat women so well, who honor their priesthood, who love and serve God, who love missionary work--he teaches Spanish in the MTC, he is in the business school at BYU--AND he's skied for nearly 20 years!

More to come...but when I am not blogging... you'll know where I am :)

Is She Real?!?

Betty Crocker, an invented persona and cultural icon, is a brand name and trademark of American food company General Mills (Wikipedia). Have you ever heard it given as a compliment--a real Betty Crocker. Or used to dish advice on the greatest recipes? So personal, so easy to relate with, the woman who wants to be it all and wants to do it all--perfectly.

Shockingly, there is no Betty Crocker; rather, she was created to humanize a marketing stratagem. And knowing this...I experience feelings similar to Santa Clause or the Wizard of Oz--thanks to Wicked... And what about her happy home-making advices?
"You can search far and wide for what you need, only to find it waiting at home," "I can't think of a more rewarding goal in life than simply to be happy at home."

So is Betty Crocker real? When asked, the folks at General Mills play the Clinton card. "Depends on what you mean by 'real.' As a symbol for quality products, creative recipes and reliable advice, no one is more authentic than Betty. ... Now, is Betty Crocker an actual person? Well, we like to think there's a little bit of Betty in all of us. What do you think?"

MMmmm Homemade Rolls!!!

Can you tell that school is out and for the first time in 8 months I have the time to do what I love again..? I think these will go nicely with the steak stroganoff today!

Sorry Betty...
I'm going to have to go with the Lion House rolls this time... the above were just too sweet, with not enough salt, and a little more dense than I would like...

2 cups warm water (110 to 115 degrees)
2 tablespoons dry yeast
2 teaspoons salt
1 egg
2/3 cup nonfat dry milk powder (instant or non-instant)
1/4 cup sugar
1/3 cup butter or shortening
5-5 1/2 cups all-purpose flour or bread flour

Recipe
2 hours 20 minutes 2 hrs prep
In large bowl of electric mixer, combine water and milk powder, stir until dissolved.
Add yeast, then sugar, salt, butter, egg, and 2 cups flour.
Mix on low speed of mixer until ingredients are wet, then 2 minutes at medium speed.
Add 2 cups more flour; mix on low speed until ingredients are wet, then for 2 minutes as medium speed.
(Dough will be getting stiff and remaining flour may need to be mixed in by hand).
Add about ½ cup flour and mix again.
Dough should be soft, not overly sticky, and not stiff.
(It is not necessary to use the entire amount of flour.) Scrape dough off sides of bowl and pour about 1 T.
vegetable oil all around the sides of the bowl so it is covered with oil.
Cover with plastic wrap and allow to rise in warm place until double in size.
Sprinkle cutting board or counter with flour and place dough on floured surface.
Roll out and cut rolls in desired shape and size, brush with butter. I prefer putting them on a cookie sheet so they raise more fully--this is how it is done at Maglebys.
Place on greased baking pans.
Let rise in warm place until rolls are double in size (60-90 min).
Bake at 375 for 15 to 20 minutes or until browned.
Brush with melted butter while hot.

3 1/2 to 3 cups Gold Medal® all-purpose flour
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup shortening
1 teaspoon salt
1 package regular or quick active dry yeast
1/2 cup very warm water (120°F to 130°F)
1/2 cup very warm milk (120°F to 130°F)
1 egg
Butter or margarine, melted


1. Mix 2 cups of the flour, the sugar, shortening, salt and yeast in medium bowl. Add warm water, warm milk and egg. Beat with electric mixer on low speed 1 minute, scraping bowl frequently. Beat on medium speed 1 minute, scraping bowl frequently. Stir in enough remaining flour to make dough easy to handle.
2. Turn dough onto lightly floured surface. Knead about 5 minutes or until smooth and elastic. Place in greased bowl and turn greased side up. Cover and let rise in warm place about 1 hour or until double. Dough is ready if indentation remains when touched.
3. Grease bottoms and sides of 2 round pans, 9x1 1/2 inches.
4. Punch down dough. Cut dough in half; cut each half into 24 pieces. Shape into balls. Place close together in pans. Brush with butter. Cover and let rise in warm place about 30 minutes or until double.
5. Heat oven to 400°F.
6. Bake 12 to 18 minutes or until golden brown.

Hot Apple Crisp!!!

With snowflakes gently falling in the valley for the first time this year... and apples perfectly crisp... it is time for a good ole' family recipe.

4 medium tart cooking apples, sliced (4 cups)
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup Gold Medal® all-purpose flour
1/2 cup quick-cooking or old-fashioned oats
1/3 cup butter or margarine, softened
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
Cream or Ice cream, if desired

1. Heat oven to 375ºF. Grease bottom and sides of 8-inch square pan with shortening.
2. Spread apples in pan. In medium bowl, stir remaining ingredients except cream until well mixed; sprinkle over apples.
3. Bake about 30 minutes or until topping is golden brown and apples are tender when pierced with a fork. Serve warm with cream.

I love the smell of cinnamon & apples when you walk through the door--one of the wonderful smells of the fall!

You'll Be With Me Like a Handprint on My Heart

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

Thanks Jason.

Finals finally final!!!

Today I finished my last classes at the Utah College of Massage therapy!!! I have one clinic shift left this Saturday and then I graduate next Thursday! I know that I have learned the things I needed to become a better person and that I've been precisely where the Lord wanted me to be--and with the people He wanted me to meet. I just had the opportunity to go with one of my friends from the program to get her things to for her temple marriage next week. The opportunity allowed me to think how different my life would be without those people in my life. As my friend Jeri said early on in the program...we are like a cast of characters--everyone playing his or her own role--how right she was--how right she was. I am grateful for the lessons that came with each friendship and association!

What Matters Most...

From WikipediaPerfectionism, in psychology, is a belief that perfection can and should be attained. In its pathological form, perfectionism is a belief that work or output that is anything less than perfect is unacceptable. At such levels, this is considered an unhealthy belief, and psychologists typically refer to such individuals as maladaptive perfectionists.

A topic on my mind tonight as I face my last 5 tests in my massage therapy program... I would have to score near perfectly on my cumulative anatomy I, II & III exam tomorrow morning to maintain my current 4.0 GPA...and honestly...I just don't think that it is going to happen.

I tend to judge myself very harshly, even unrealistically in attempt to prove my worth... but I know my value runs much deeper than a letter grade, and this may just be a gift from God to really digest that. I have prayed that the unhealthy perfectionistic desires of my heart be changed by God--and at times I can honestly say that they have not mattered--easy to say when you are still attaining 'perfect' in the eyes of others--and very different when God provides the proving ground to see just how well I stand when given the opportunity.

I confided this fear of falling short with my roommate tonight and she said somethings that I am very grateful for. She commented on how the things I was striving for don't measure all my talents and what I do best.

In fact, what I consider to be my greatest feats and wonderful memories from this year have directly competed against my perfectionistic/grade driven mentality.

For instance, I set out with the goal to have perfect attendance and I made it all the way through August without missing a single minute of class--but then my niece Sydney stayed at my house and was up have the night sick and in order to be to school on time I would have had to wake her with only 4 hours of sleep--so rather than being on time to school I pinned a dark sheet over the window, made french toast for brunch and let her sleep as long as possible. Next week at graduation when I don't receive the perfect attendance award--I can proudly account for my time that day and know that there was no better place I could have spent my time than helping Sydney know that I love her and there is nothing more important than her in my life.

I easily could have gotten an A in Anatomy, but it would have required that I take time from something else in my life. For the past 6 months I have given 10-20 hours a week to AFSP--and last week with the incredibly successful event in SLC--I know the hand of God put me there as an instrument. I had budgeted my time and money so differently for this year while I was in school--I'd planned to bury myself in books, have no social life, and prove my worth with grades and superficial indicators of value...God had something else in store for me... the first week of the program I got put in as Relief Society President, Temple Ordinance worker, & Event Chair for AFSP SLC--and I wrecked my car--needless to say I hadn't really budgeted for any of those things...

I can say that have done my best this year in school, in callings, in my community-- and not only is that is all I can do--that is all God requires of me. I know that I have followed the counsel of the Lord in my life and done what He has asked of me in all things. All things considered I think I have done very well. It has been quite the opportunity to reflect tonight upon what really matters... I have cultivated greater patience, I have shown enhanced faithfulness and diligence, I have learned by study and also by faith, I have made goals--and then made adjustments to those goals as the spirit directed. I have learned more about wants and needs, and I have learned to go without. I have had to trust in others and allow some people to help me when I just couldn't make it on my own--that is very different for me--how grateful I am for every single person who has helped me this year. Every blessing you can imagine--dinner from a friend, lunch from someone who understands how it is to struggle making ends meet, an encouraging word when I didn't think I had the emotional or financial resorces to keep going. Love, friendship, generosity--I can truly say that the windows of Heaven have opened to me this year as I have paid my tithes and offerings in faith. A client who felt inspired to bring me a gallon of shampoo the very day I ran out, a friend who repaid an old loan I hadn't even remembered, 2 girls moving in next door who wanted to carpool when I didn't know when my car would be fixed, an electric bill that only cost $11.00 in the middle of July, better gas mileage than I've ever gotten in my life, a change in what I used to think I 'had to have' not using my air conditioner all summer, driving with the windows down even when it was 105 degrees, air drying my linens, lots of Top Raman ;) The opportunity and ability to work--in greater abundance than I even had room to receive--I truly love the Lord Jesus Christ and know that it has been in an through him that all these things are possible. He has increased my ability and success far beyond my natural capacity and I am so thankful for that.

I still have a lot to learn--indicated by this topic weighing on my mind tonight. I am not trying to justify myself; rather, to see that soometimes what the Lord has in store for me is far better than I could have planned for myself. As I did things for my calling tonight & went to FHE instead of frantically trying to know everything for the test in the morning...I am trying to see myself more as God sees me and as such be more loving and accepting of myself. Please don't get me wrong, the desire to apply yourself and get good grades is a noble one--but it is not the end in itself--I have learned so much from the program I am in, I have practiced faithfully and have an excellent clientele, I have not accepted the invitation to cheat with a large percentage of my graduating class, and I have done my very best. Even if I fail my final tomorrow--I will still get a B out of the class. And if in this case B is the best answer because it made possible room to learn and grow and develop traits far more important than a percentage on my transcript--I can stand before God and give an honest accounting of my life and with sincere gratitude thank Him for this opportunity to learn what matters most.

Reflections on Gratitude...

I am thankful for...
Jesus Christ who is my savior, my redeemer, my example, my counsellor & my friend. For a knowledge that Christ's joyous gospel is again on the Earth, according to the plan of my Father in Heaven who knows me personally and loves me perfectly. A knowledge that this life is not the end and that I can be with those I love after they leave mortal life. The sun that makes my life brighter, that brings energy and life to every living thing. The Moon that reminds me that even in our darkest times we can reflect the love and light of God. The Ocean which is more vast than the finite constraints of my mind; yet, is controlled by God in his infinite wisdom, power and mercy.

Again...Just a start...

More General Conference :)

From Music & the spoken word:
Where Love Is
Be generous with your love
Love Regenerates itself
Learning to love others is one of the most important things we can do in this life.
[Tuesdays w/ Morrie: the most important thing in life is to learn to love and let love in][E. Holland: Love is not a limited commodity. just because God loves and blesses others does not mean he loves us any less.]
I Know That My Redeemer Lives

Unity-->spoken on it before, and will hear more on it from me in the future
Seek unity. Build others.
Pray by name for people.
[Sis. Rhodehouse Day 1 in the mission, Mead WA]
Unity increases joy and multiplies power to serve
*Everincreasing Unity
Have my heart changed through the atonement of Jesus Christ

More to come...

General Conference Cinnamon Rolls!

Betty Crocker cinnamon rolls

making these from scratch is a tradition for General Conference--thanks to a wonderful family I met while serving a full-time mission in Spokane Washington. My love and thanks to the Jorgensen family!

150 Minutes to Prepare and Cook

Ingredients
for glaze:
2 cups powdered sugar, 1/3 cup butter, 1.5 tsp vanilla, 2 to 4 tsp water.
for rolls:
3.5 to 4 cups flour, 1/3 cup sugar, 1 tsp salt, 2 packages yeast, 1 cup very warm milk, 1/4 cup butter softened, 1 large egg.
for filling:
2 TBS butter
1 tsp cinnamon, 1/4 cup brown sugar

Directions
mix 2 cups flour, the sugar, salt, and yeast in a large bowl. add the warm milk, 1/4 cup butter and the egg. beat with an electric mixture on low, 1 minute, scraping frequently. beat on medium one more minute, stir in enough flour to make dough easy to handle.
knead dough about 5 minutes or until springy. place in large greased bowl, turned to coat, cover with plastic wrap or towel and let rise for about 1 hour 30 minutes or until doubled in size.
gently deflate with fist. flatten into 15x10 inch rectangle on lightly floured surface. spread 2 tbs butter and then sprinkle evenly the cinnamon and brown sugar. , roll up tightly, the long way. pinch edge to seal. use floss or string to cut into 5 1-inch slices. place in 13x9 inch baking pan.
place into refrigerator over night, for fresh cinnamon rolls on [Conference Sunday]
morning, turn oven on to 200 degrees. when it comes to temp, turn it off, and place the pan of rolls inside. leave for 30 minutes until doubled in size. take out of oven. preheat it again to 350 degrees. place rolls back in oven and bake for 30 to 35 minutes.
make glaze when the rolls are done, serve warm! make everyone happy.

A Day of Introspection & Assessment...

With so many thoughts stemming from today's semi-annual general conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that I don't even know where to begin...

First I must like to say that I LOVE the council of the Lord! It is like being instructed by a father who knows me and loves me, and is answering all my questions, I have found it helpful to have questions to take to conference--if you haven't tried it, you may like it as well :)

And if you would like to listen to or watch General Conference, it is tomorrow at 10am and again at 2pm US MDT: http://www.lds.org/broadcast/gc/0,5161,8176,00.html

*waking up early for the 'perfect' day
*learning that we didn't have TV channels until 9:57am
*Having to find the humilty to ask for help...
*A TEMPLE IN ROME ITALY!!! MI PIACE!!!
*Pray for countries to continue to open--just like w/Italy!!!
*The best is yet to be!!!
*Time to move on and explore other opportunities...
*The relation of body & spirit
*Live within your means--Save for a rainy day--earn interest don't pay it!
*Spiritual fuel!
*Invite others to come unto Christ--PMG
*all the good people God has brought into my life through the means of missionary work...and how different my life would be without them all...
*The impact my choices now will have on my future family...
*This is the Lord's work and he will help me do it!
*You don't know everything, but you know enough :)
*I know God loves me!
*No one is immune from sorrow and loss--God is his wisdom allows each of us to pass through things in this life...
*With God's help we can break the chain and forge ahead in faith!
*The promose from Pres. Hinckley regarding the Book of Mormon...the same promise I wrote in the front cover of the Book I gave him just months before he died...
*I did the best I could... I really did try...Scott knows that and God knows that...I just need to allow that to sink deep into my heart.
*Endure well. Experience joy. Don't allow self to be influenced by others.
*Attend the house of the Lord often.
*Make my home a house of the Lord. *BD_Temple
*Don't allow anything about me to distract from the Lord and his covenants
*Reverence before sacrament meeting
*replace my sarcasm, light-mindedness & loud laughter with sincerity & love.
*Seek direction weekly from the Lord in church--take my questions to him.
*Stand on Holy Ground--how can I improve this--in my relationships...
*'My House is a house of Order...' *D&C 88--see personal study yesterday!
?What kind of mother am I preparing now to be?
*seek faith to overcome fear & hope to overcome despair
?How can I seek to go on despite fear, discouragement & lonliness
*The infinite power of hope! Hold On Peace Exists :) Thanks Christianne
*Despair kills ambition & deadens the heart, drains from us all that is vibrant
*You need to learn to have greater joy Ashley
?How can I cultivate greater hope? PMG Christ-like attributes
?transcends the trivial--> hope of Isreal
*Look beyond the horizon of mortality
SMC: I hope there's something on the other side: There is.
It exceeds the grandest expectations of our lives
"Until we once again walk in his light..."
"he is in my hands, he is my son."
*One step at a time Ash, just as we learn to walk.
*Care for those around us even without hope of reciprocation
*things we hope in=> Charity
*things we hope for => faith
*Hope not only in the next life, but in this life as well.
?What things do I hope for in this life? Do I?
*Reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us.
*God will wait with open arms.
*To all who suffer, to all who feel lonely, never give in, never surrender, NEVER ALLOW DESPAIR TO OVERCOME YOUR SPIRIT!
*I need thee every hour in joy or pain...

Afternoon Session:
I Am a Child of God
*The importance of children to the Lord. He loves us. Parental guidance.
*When you fall down--pick yourself up and get going again.
[Get back in the game, Ash--> Ut. Co. billboard 7/06]
*Drunk deeply from the cup of dissapointment, sorrow, & loss. The Lord in his wisdom shelters no one.
*Learn to LAUGH!!!
*Seek for the ETERNAL!
*Understand the principle of compensation
"every tear today will be returned a hundred fold tears of rejoicing...Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings"
*Put your trust in Heavenly Father & His son Jesus Christ
*Adversity if handled correctly in our lives can be a blessing
*Praise for living the sermons you preach
*seperation from God must have been the most detrimental
*in special times of need--God sends angels.
*take heart, be filled with faith.
*The Lord said he would fight our battles, our childrens battles, our childrens childrens battles.
*Heaven never seems closer than when we feel the the love of God manifested through those who's hearts are so pure they can only be described as angelic.
?Would God really send an angel to me?
*God never leaves us alone.
"I will go before your face, and be on your right hand and on your left..."
Teach Me To Walk in the Light of His Love..."
*From Scott's funeral
*importance of our search for knowledge
?What would God have me learn more of?
*Saviors teaching adapted to everyone--especially children
?Eyes are blind, you have to see with your heart?
?Then light and life more abundantly..?
*Only God can heal us. Only God can give us peace.
*Christ in Gesthemane. BYU Jerusalem.
*to be endowed with power.
*Don't ever believe the standard of the Lord is unreachable.
*Life is hard. The Lord's way is not hard.
?Increase in peace, love, strength, knowledge, confidence?
*Matt: come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden... And I shall give you rest. 6/06
*Never, never, never give up.
Only 1 way to happiness and fulfilment-->Christ is the way.
*Many died w/o sight.
*Zion is both a place and a people.
?How can I create that place and become that person & attract that into my life?
?Create my home as zion.
*Take up residency in Zion & get rid of the summer cottage in babylon
?Where are my summer cottages?
?Am I doing what I should be doing? Enough of what I should be doing?
*Learn to be content with what is sufficient for our needs.
*Kitchen table cut in half...
*Spiritual creation each day.
?Do I create spiritually before temporally?
*Importance of a husband who presides, provides & protects
*Pray always-->great blessings in store for us-->contingent upon our asking BD_Prayer
*express heartfelt gratitude & Ask for nothing.
*pray for others with real intent & a pure heart--even those who despitefully use us. It increases our capacity to hear and understand the voice of the Lord.
*Vision cam in response to a prayer for others.
?Do my roommates, friends, loved ones hear me petition God in their behalf?
*The time to repent is now!!!

I was grateful to watch conference this morning with a good friend, and then we got a consistent feed for the afternoon session--a few more tears near the surface when the childrens choir sang the song from Scott's funeral and so many things drew my heart to tender memories of my brother. I love the Lord. I love his teachings!

Gratitude

Grat·i·tude
/ˈgrætɪˌtud, -ˌtyud/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[grat-i-tood, -tyood] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun
the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful:

This morning I woke up exhausted--you know the nights when you've had a descent amount of sleep and it just doesn't suffice? With only 1 week of school left, I have been running at full speed for 8 months now, and am right smack in the middle of finals. So...yesterday was a 12+hr day of studying and practicing injury protocols on people...and this morning...my hands ached. I got to my shift at the temple bright and early this morning...actually it was still dark, (silly people...who chooses to live this far North of the equator when they could enjoy the sunshine all year long...? ;) I arrived at the temple and enjoyed my first couple of hours, still subtly aware of the pain in my hands... when I had the opportunity to help a young lady about my age.

This girl was strikingly beautiful. She was tall, slender and had beautiful long hair and one of the sweetest smiles I have ever seen. A minute or two passed before I noticed that her hands were crippled by rigid muscles and frequent tremors. I never would have known that this lovely young lady was in any physical pain, but when she tried to move her hands it was obvious that her pain was near excruciating and that to make the smallest movements took a completely concerted effort on her behalf. And yet her disposition was brighter than anyone I saw today. She was sincere and very pleasant to be around.

Working with her allowed me the opportunity to think, here I had gone to the temple concerned with the temporary pain in my hands. My pain was very real, but also very evanescent, and, what more...my pain stemmed from the ability to work and move my hands to benefit others all day yesterday.

Today I learned to better appreciate what I have-- I guess you could say I left the temple endowed with gratitude.

The Perfect Day!!!

Perfect, meaning whole or complete... a day filled with a plethora of emotion. Pangs of sorrow and feelings of loss so deep they penetrated my whole soul... but without the sorrow I would not fully understand or appreciate the joy. Had I never experienced bitter tears or saddness, grief or seperation I would have no frame of reference to know love, peace, joy or eternal life.

Strength...
If I were to have torn a page from the perfect day it would be adorned with these faces, these emotions and the stories that go along with each. The following picture is me with my sister-in-law Laurel and personifies strength. Pure, unadulterated strength. A strength that we have attained as we consistently fought back against the pressures, pains and losses of the past few years.

Solidarity...
There is nothing better in the world than a true friend. Someone who sees you for who you really are and still loves you. A true friend does not reinforce you in your weakness; rather, inspires in you a greater desire to come unto Christ, and by Him be enabled to cultivate greater faith, hope and charity. (Ether 12:27-27) Each person in this picture has increased my joy and laughter and love for life. And yes...even made me love Texas...or at least Texans ;)


Family...
A group of people you walk with through life and learn more with and from than anyone else. Our family has faced innumerable trials together, but I can honestly say that through it all, and possibly even because of it all, I have come to appreciate certain things about each one of them. We are very diverse--from religious views, to opinions on life--we cover just about every span of the spectrum, but I love each person in my family. I know that we have each dealt with opposition in very different ways, but today we came together and took steps toward healing relationships and over-looking differences of opinion. I love my family and appreciated so much them being there with me; afterall, what would forever be like without those we love the most?

Service...
So many of the people that came out to support were motivated by love and selfless service. There were people from every phase of my life...the neighborhood I grew up in, BHS, mission companions, people from Washington, friends from Florida, from UCMT, from BYU, roommates, a girl I met at the gym, and even people from the BYU student ward I have lived in for 2 weeks! I can probably never repay them for their kindness this week, but I promise to try everyday to be better than the day before, and incorporate their example into my actions and treat others with the compassion they have shown me.

Life truly is beautiful. Whether it be in the faces of those around me, or the beauty of a sunrise, or the emotions that well in my heart when I see another suffer and long for them to find comfort--the hand of God is revealed so personally and privately to me each day that I know he knows who I am and that through Him, each day can be complete--until that great day when we shall see Him and be like Him and as such shall know a fullness of joy!

Bringing Suicide Out of the Darkness One Step at a Time!!!

Please join with us this Saturday at Wheeler Farm (6351 S. 900 E.) in Salt Lake City as we take steps to bring suicide and mental illness out of the darkness.

Thank you to all of you that have supported me in my service for The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) and especially for helping us here. It has been rather frustrating to see how many people think that this is not a problem here in Utah, and for those that have not personally felt the pain of losing a loved one to suicide it may not be--but suicide is the 4th leading cause of death in the US (ages 18-65) and 3rd among teens and young adults. And Sadly Utah ranks in the top 10 on all polls for deaths by suicide.

Out of Darkness 20mi. Overnight NYC 2007

Out of Darkness 5k Boca Raton, FL 2007

Out of Darkness 5k Miami, FL 2007

I really appreciate my family joining with me this year--I know that everyone mourns the loss of a loved one differently, and that we are all very busy, so it makes me appreciate my mom, Matt, Laurie & the girls, Brad, Abby & Mo...and the many other family members that are coming out to support. Thanks to friends, roommates, mission companions, ward members, corporations, teachers, classmates, clients & everyone of you that has given me the strength to put one foot in front of the other. Thank you to newpapers, television, radio, civic and religious people who are contributing--this event would not happen without each of you.

And a particular thanks to Lori Pagel, my good friend, example and walk co-ordinator--THANK YOU!!! I appreciate so much your friendship and dedication to helping people. As I was talking with Lori this evening, everything is on track for the event Saturday, and I have to admit a part of my heart just feels broken--This is not a cause I ever would have chosen--this is not a cause I ever wanted to know the need for--I would much rather have spent hours each week with my brother Scott. I miss him very much. I don't know that I can say the pain has lessened, but I have been enabled by God, greater faith, and resources and love from those around me to live with the pain--and for that I am grateful. My hope is that as resources are created for people struggling with depression that fewer people will know the pain of losing a loved one to suicide and that for those who have lost a loved one, or may lose a loved one--they may find hope, peace and resources along the excrutiatingly painful journey they will walk.

Scott, I miss your sense of humor. This picture was cropped from one taken of me, Brad & Scott @ dinner one night--and the reason Scott is smiling so big is because he grabbed Brad's thigh in the picture to make him laugh...
Scott, I miss the big fish you'd catch--this one in particular caught him the record for the largest tiger muskie in the state of Utah--and I ended up answering a guy to a dance with it... thanks bro :)
And I miss Lake Powell with you. I have only gone once since you died--and that was to celebrate Sydney's birthday...but it just wasn't the same. Maybe someday my love of that lake will return...but I have realized it was more the good memories and the people I loved that were there with me. All this work is for you Scottie! I LOVE YOU!!!

Late night rambling & a lil' C.S. Lewis...

C.S. Lewis gives a voice to so many of the feelings of my heart--and I love him for that! As tends to be a habit of mine...I am reading 4 books for pleasure (not to mention the New Testament, Book of Mormon, 10 for school and 2 others relative to my most intriguing courses) but 2 of those books are by C.S. Lewis, 'The problem of Pain,' and 'A Grief Observed' As I lay in bed trying desperately to fall asleep (I have to be up in just a few hours to be at my shift in the Provo Temple) Lewis' words came to mind...

"Many things--such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly--are done worst when we try hardest to do them."

The aforementioned words came to mind for many reasons--some more obvious than others as the clock is ticking and a time stamp will appear on this when I publish it...

The other reasons may be less obvious.

I recently had a conversation with my mom that made me sad and angry and frustrated all at the same time--since then I have reflected back on why--I have studied the doctrine of the gospel trying to find a refute--I have sought to cultivate greater faith on the matter--I had just broken off a decent relationship with a good guy--and my mom was annoyed at me for it--she really liked him...

I kept trying to love him. I am fully aware that the decision to love is entirely up to me--sure there are factors that make it easier--but it is not something I fall into, or expect God to force upon me, or sit around apathetically awaiting it's receipt... but the harder I tried to force it... the more frustrated I became with myself and him, and everything dear to me...I knew it was not what I was looking for long term. And so in talking to my mom, she asked me why.

Honestly, there were 3 main reasons:
First, the temple was not a priority to him at all--he just plain wouldn't make time to go and hasn't since his mission. As a temple ordinance worker--my spirit would feel so constrained if bound to someone so lackadaisical. I want someone that I can grow with, and study with, and increase in light and knowledge with...

Second, missionary work was something that he did for 2 years and now doesn't really care about--home teaching is something to do if convenient, and service to others is very limited. Every time I talked about sharing the gospel with a friend, or classmate, or giving a Book of Mormon away he was visibly annoyed with me. He spoke of his mission as though he was glad it was over and never wanted to live the things he learned there. When discussing obedience he laughed at the rules--I confided in him that I had not broken a single rule in my full-time service as a missionary--he laughed out loud at that. When speaking of people we saw accept the gospel--I told him that more of my friends have become converted in Florida or Provo--he thought this was an obvious waste of my time... Finally I stopped sharing with him things like this that are dear to my heart.

Thirdly, he doesn't want to acknowledge or do anything about emotional issues from his family of origin. Don't worry--I of all people do NOT expect someone to come from a perfect family, or to have no emotional baggage--to do so would entirely annihilate my hopes of anyone accepting where I come from, or any self-acceptance, or the refining power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ in my own life--but that being said I also refuse to bury my head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong. If I am struggling with something I seek resources and wisdom beyond my own. If I need I will counsel with an ecclesiastical leader, or a therapist, or to read a book on the matter, or simply to bring it to God and seek guidance--I do--I will continue to do so.

I explained these things to my mother...
[silence]

"Well, dear..."
[she starts out, her tone even more annoyed with me...]
"I don't think there is anyone else out there who lives like you after your mission, I mean really, I just think you are being unreasonable."

It made me sick to my stomach. 1. I just had to hope and pray that she was/is wrong and 2. I wondered if she had heard anything that I said--either way I had to end our conversation before I started to cry.

Not knowing what to do next... I went to get the mail and what was in it...? The August Ensign, with the cover story reading "Single and Steadfast: Lessons in Hope" I Love God! *And, I realized just now... my concerns in our relationship can basically be summed up as the 3-fold mission of the church... I feel a little more validated in my decision now, after all I've had more peace since our relationship ended than I ever did while dating.

I think one of the reasons that I was so easily upset when talking to my mother, and trying to remain unaffected, or trying to force myself to move forward in a relationship of varying ideals is because I fear sometimes that I am being unreasonable, or that I am getting older, or wondering if I should settle... but all fear set aside, I know better than that. In the Book of Mormon, the children of Lehi, and those of Ishmael were in the wilderness--and still the Lord knowing their hearts arranged for as many as were righteous to attract and marry such righteousness (1 Nephi 16) and for whatever reason, I still have things to work on, areas of my life to refine, goals to pursue, knowledge to attain. I know the things I am learning now will make me a better wife and mother, they are allowing me to obtain greater patience, to seek opportunities to serve in my community, to pursue multiple degrees etc.

And don't get me wrong--if you are reading this and know the person I was dating--he is wonderful. I love how he made me laugh and all the fun that we had--just as far as the substantial and deep nature of our relationship--we just were not at the same place. It is funny--and a great blessing--but in this relationship-- for the first time I began to see that the trials in our lives really do help us to grow and set in clearer focus the things that are most important. And 3 years ago, I probably would have ecstatically jumped at his desire to get married thinking that the substance and ideals will come with time...

But as for now I will faithfully adhere to my hopes and dreams and the ideals for love and marriage and service and progress. As C.S. Lewis states:
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

For me it is not so much about the party and the rush anymore, I want to love and serve someone, to make it easier for him to live the gospel and reach his full-potential. I love knowing someone well enough that you know just how to make them smile--and doing that for them. I love seeing someone for all they are--both strengths and weaknesses--and not expecting them to change, but also not reinforcing them in those weaknesses. So, for those of you, like my mother, who wonder why you have not gotten a wedding announcement from me... I must still have things I need to learn so as to be more complete and to have more to offer...

Sydney and I had a Hannah Montana PJ's Rock concert--it was basically the coolest night of the summer! I LOVE YOU SYD!

Backpacking Southern Utah

This backpacking trip to Coyote Gultch was one of the greatest blessings from God in my life--it was Fall of 2006 and feeling like the whole world had collapsed around me--I was able to get out of Provo, clear my head, enjoy the healing power of nature and develop friendships with a few people that have turned out to have a great impact for good on my life. I walked away a few laughs and photographs that now symbolize enduring even the darkest times in our lives--and just putting one foot in front of the other--even if/when you fall flat on your face in the mud...

Not able to sleep: a blessing in disguise

Tonight I planned to go to bed early. I turned down multiple social engagements and just wanted to call it an early night...I am exhausted from finals, am feeling under the weather, and I have to get up at 5:30 for my clinic shift tomorrow--but for some reason I just couldn't sleep--something that has been no problem at all lately.

So...for the story to come full circle you need to understand that my dishwasher hasn't really worked well for the past few months, but considering the 'manager' (who I like as a person, a great deal) happens to be 19 or so, a friend of the owner, entirely unqualified to manage rentals...(I learned that after trying for 3 months to get the washing machine fixed) so I have just been washing my dishes by hand. It's not really a problem, usually I have them done while cooking.

But...being so tired from finals this week...I wasn't quite as up to doing dishes and just put them into the dishwasher as I used them instead...so when I went up to bed earlier...set it on timed delay...just as I do every night I run the dishwasher...

Only tonight when I couldn't sleep sat at my kitchen table sorting through photos (which happens to be a favorite absent-minded activity when I am tired) and I smell smoke. The thought crosses my mind that something may have fallen onto the heating element in the dishwasher (I once melted the handle of a measuring cup that way) so I walk into the kitchen that is now filled with smoke, and open the dishwasher up to find nothing out of the ordinary--except for the small fact that my dishwasher is on fire.

I love God and the fact that being unable to sleep tonight truly was a blessing in disguise.

Utah Olympic Park

One of the best days I've spent in Utah was at the Olympic Park in Park City--First of all--Park City is wonderful--you're in the mountains, fresh air, less traffic, more diversity--even less light pollution at night so you can see the stars! I LOVE it up there!

My friend Stephan is amazing--he's an Olympic bobsled athlete and coach--and he took us on a private tour of the whole place. He isn't one of those athletes that sits around and expects to be served--he built--with his own two hands a practice ramp for the guys...Basically he's just amazing and I feel privileged to call him my friend.

The day couldn't really be any better--I got to spend it with Jeri and Stephan. Jeri is one of the biggest blessings in the massage program I am in--and in my life. We had a great time up there with Stephan--Jeri completely demolishing her fear of heights--and both of us attaining an all new respect for just what the body goes through in a bobsled--it's so intense!Stephan and JeriThe bobsled is seriously a trip!

And the ski jump...Who doesn't want to lock into those 4" tracks and go off that?!?The Zip-line was pretty great too!And the alpine slide...

Summer Ski Jumping!!!

Something to make you want to be better...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=flRvsO8m_KI

Watching this just makes me want to be a better person.
Not only does it make me want to run farther and faster...
It makes me want to purify my heart even more...assess motives...

It makes me want to be that kind of parent to my children.

Something to make you smile...

Recently, my friend's father was visiting from Russia and came to church with us. His English was about as good as my Russian--we'll just say that. Walking down the hall, he stopped at the drinking fountain to get a drink. He couldn't quite figure it out, looking around a little perplexed, some people standing around tried to tell him how to use it--which would be great if we were in Russia and they spoke Russian. I am from America and it takes me a moment to figure out some of the newly designed water fountains.My Niece and nephew happened to be at church with me that week--AND if you've ever taken 2 small children to a singles ward with no snack time or nursery--you know that at least 1 water break every hour is the least you can do for the sweet lil' kids. And so...Samantha (3yrs) happened to be standing there when Mr. Simakov most needed her help. She walked up, kindly took his hand and pushed the water button on the front of the fountain. He thanked her most warmly in words no one understood--but we all knew what they meant--especially Samantha.Every time I look at a water fountain I think of her sincere and loving example and how she was able to teach someone half a century older than her with a complete language barrier--I have a lot to learn from such a Christ-like example--Thanks Samantha!