Ever Just Have One of Those Days...weeks...mortalities?

Shocking that I would blog about emotions, eh? I just recently had the same adult--who I respect and look up to very much--tell me twice that I think too often about my brother and that I need to move on with my life.I guess it stings mostly because I really am trying my best and it saddens me to think that there are those around me--who "know" and "love" me--that think I am not doing a very good job at life.

It makes me think of Doctrine & Covenants 42:45--where God commands "thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die..."

I was torn between wanting to share that verse of scripture, bursting into tears, or saying F-you. I chose silence. And in my head rehearsed the line from the hymn "Lord, I Would Follow Thee: ...In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see..."

That song has come to mean a great deal to me:

Savior, may I learn to love thee,
walk the path that thou hast shown,
pause to help and lift another,
finding strength beyond my own.
Savior may I learn to love thee--
Lord I would follow thee.

Who am I to judge another
when I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother's keeper;
I would learn the healers art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother's keeper--
Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
Savior, may I love my brother--
Lord, I would follow thee.

Obviously losing my own brother to despair makes that song have special meaning, and I have tried to consecrate my life to God so that never again does one of God's children pass through my life without knowing that I love them every chance I get. I don't care if I look stupid for loving, or serving, or listening. I try to not judge and genuinely care for the welfare of others. I try everyday to allow the Lord to strengthen me and enable me to do good things and lead me to where He would like me to be--and apparently that's not good enough for some. Fortunately I know that I can stand before God and give an accountability for my life today and each day I've lived. I fall short all the time, but that is why I have a Savior--Jesus Christ--who makes "repentance" change, growth & learning possible.

How grateful I am to my loving Heavenly Father who speaks to my heart and my mind and sends me comfort when I need it. For any of you who know me--I love cards and sweet notes and appreciating people anyway I can. A friend of mine had a rough day today and so I went to pick up a few things at the store to make some amazing peanut butter bars--and wandered through the card section *as much to get her a card as to ease my own heart. And one Hallmark said:

"Perhaps they are not the stars,
but rather openings in heaven
where the love of our lost ones
shines down to let us know
they are with us."

This has special meaning... We used to lay on top of our houseboat at Lake Powell, or on Scott's boat at Pineview and count shooting stars. The day after Scott's funeral I came back to Provo--entirely lost--not knowing which way was up--and a friend called (about 2am.) He knew me really well and that there was very little chance that I was sleeping... he asked if I'd like to go for a drive and talk or just sit (no this was not a call for action, he genuinely cared) and we parked in the west parking lot facing the temple--I think I cried more than I talked and he just listened. And as I felt as though my heart may break into a thousand pieces--and never again be whole--a shooting star started high in the middle of the sky and for at least 2 minutes shot across the sky, behind the temple spire--leaving a radiant trail of every color and taking minutes to fade. I knew the Lord placed that star in orb long before I even knew the meaning of a broken heart...

And then a similar star in the middle of nowhere (the midwest) as I moved to Florida--not knowing why--or if I would even survive there. And there was the corn field outside Nauvoo with Christianne... And then there's the line from the Paul Simon song that Sydney (4) wanted to sing at her daddy's funeral:

"If you leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star.."

I don't know why I miss Scott everyday. Maybe I was a little too obedient to the command to love in such a way that I weep at his loss, or that I have only cried over it twice. I know days are harder that I know he would be there--like at Brad's baby blessing--I would have been chasing little loved ones and being harassed by Scott, and instead I just tried to make myself useful and not cry. I know Scott would be happy for Brad, Abby, Mo and me. I could feel him strengthening me as I sang in church--I hadn't wanted to--I hadn't sung since he died--my heart has been too raw--But I did it. Even if it wasn't great--I did it. (appropriately it was written for primary children--I felt about that meek and lowly.) And singing in choir and in the devotional... I appreciated that she spoke about some long lasting trials like losing loved one...and maintaining our faith amid those trials.

I've started painting and pursuing photography again as Scott encouraged. At one point he even gave me money to paint him something. I never had a chance to finish it for him--but I will.

I am back finishing BYU--even though I never wanted to be in the valley of sorrowful memories again.

I talked to Debbie from the Jerusalem program again and she handed me an application and asked if I was ready yet and that she wanted me to go.

I'm running again. I'd been training for the St. George Marathon in 2005--but that was a pretty rough year--Scott checked himself into rehab the same time as the race. He was always the one to remind me that it's just one foot in front of the other... for 26.2mi ;) And I know he's proud that I am again putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm utilizing all I have learned to try and help others and I know that the Lord has placed people in my life that I wouldn't even begin to understand or empathize with had I not known the experiences since 2006.

I know Scott would be proud--but he's not here to hug or tease or fight with or encourage me or cook for or clean up after of ski with or laugh with or beat up my ex/current boyfriends. And no matter how fast or how well I "move forward in my life" nothing will change that. All I can do is attempt to love others more fully, and live life to the best of my capacity and live worthy of eternal life and in that way honor his memory each day.

Y'all may just think that I'm a pansy for struggling after 2 1/2 years...and to you I say... follow another blog. So many triggers... the baby blessing. Going to Boise--I haven't been back since I was camping with Steph and her family. Moving forward in my life.

I guess part of it is that I feel very alone--I've been blessed with incredible friends throughout my life--but we've moved so many times and into other phases and places--and I never want to burden someone I hardly know--but sometimes on days like today it's just nice to have a friend to take a walk with, or a drive and just listen, and talk, and cry and laugh... a friend who won't tell you to move on or that you're not doing a very good job at life. Serving a mission and coming home with high hopes of seeing my family members re-activated and wanting the gospel--and then seeing them use agency contrary to that...has caused me to struggle almost everyday feeling that I am not doing a very good job at life.

Thank Heaven tomorrow is Friday.

I am grateful that all God asks is that I give my very best each day and strengthens me when I do all that I can--and to anyone else that hasn't been there (and even if you have--every person is different and experieces loss differently)... please tread lightly you may not know how rough the road is the person is walking, or what sorrow the eye can't see...