Life Update...

Life is good. The days of sunlight are starting to be more frequent than not. Running outside is becoming a more common occurrence for me. Work is going well. I am surrounded by so many good people. Enjoying good friends--weddings, babies homecomings and other wonderful events. Dating good men. Learning. Growing. Sharing the gospel. Loving my new niece. Spending time with my mom. Learning to can and bringing good family traditions back from the dead (BTW Brad you can totally open them--mine are gone :) and they are just as good as they were 18 years ago! Sorry mom, I had to tell him.) Making new friends here and far away (love Emma & the girls!) staying in touch with those I love from Washington. Cooking and keeping the house... Enjoying things I've never taken the time for here at BYU--like choir and the Luau and Passover--"stopping to smell the roses" as my dear friend advised me. Lots of pics from all these things... probably in no particular order--I'm just in a hurry and want to get them posted for those interested. Thanks to everyone for helping me through a rough winter. I love & appreciate you all!

Dating...

So... I had to attend a concert choir performance tonight to make up for missing our retreat--to attend Rebecca's wedding--which was totally worth it by the way! And the wonderful date just continued--great conversation--good dinner--and out for ice cream. Oh yeah, and being hit on at Rumbi and by the man at the ice cream shop... I will protect his identity and not tell you which one. It gave us something to laugh at afterward...

Ice cream man: "So, how are you tonight..."
Ashley: "I'm wonderful, and you?"
Ice cream man: "I'm great."
AShley: "I bet--you make people happy all day giving them ice cream."
Icre Cream man: "I bet you make people happy all day in whatever you do..."
Ashley: "ugh... Yep, I'm a massage therapist.
Ice cream man: "Wow. We should totally swap services, I'll provide the ice cream, you provide the massage..."
Ashley: "No. I'd be fat--you'd be healthy."
Ice cream man: "c'mon... if I bat my eyes like this '""'
Ashley: "no"
Ice cream man: "how about the lower lip one..."
Ashley: "works for my nephew, but no."
Ice cream man: "thanks for coming in, be sure to come back.."
(I felt really awkward, I won't lie...) Christi it was like the beach...
"I gotta be honest man... you're really making me feel awkward!" :)

Date: "do you know that guy?"
Ashley: Nope, never seen him before in my life"
Date: "Whoa, I thought he was in your ward or something..."

*I just got off the phone with one of my good guy friends and we had an interesting conversation that sparked a few of these thougths on dating...

The best things about the date: (and from a few others recently)
7:30-10:30--home in time to get ready for Courtney's wedding tomorrow, and respectful of both our time constraints.
Great conversation! I love to learn about people and what they are passionate about and/or going through in life. It's my major for crying out loud. And I don't think there is anything better than being understood.
Being left wanting to see them again and excited about whenever that is.
Having it well planned, but still room to adjust if needed.
Good uplifting environment...and yes--I even took my journal into the concert...
(I only wrote down a few impressions ;)
The adorable little girl in front of us that kept asking if it was over yet--I gave her a piece of bubble gum (after asking her dad) to tide her through the last 2 songs:) What can I say I'm a good aunt! and I remember being there--my attention span isn't much longer.
Having someone look into my eyes when they talk to me.
A hug at the end of the date...maybe it is just having lived in Florida with the Latino greeting (kiss kiss hug) but it's just a nice end to a date.
Getting dressed up and being told you look nice by your date :)
Just someone saying I'd love to get to know you better/spend time with you, can we grab dinner or go to lunch sometime? It is so less scary.
Knowing that there is no pressure--if the first date is fun, we may go out again.
Learning who I am in the context of dating and who they are as well.
"Regards."
Being with someone who makes me laugh.
Someone who isn't texting the whole time/or ever.
Having someone open your door--even if they are just your friend.
Seeing someone a little nervous on the first date--I believe what was said in institute everyone deserves 2 dates at least--1 they are all awkward, 2 you get a chance to see more of who they are.
Knowing that you have nothing to lose. If you don't become best friends, you'll both marry others who are your best friends.
That a great date can be very inexpensive--hikes and walks are fantastic! and for all you lame DTRer's in Provo for giving walks a bad rap... I plan to reinstate the date... I love simple things like that--or going out to the lake and taking a walk, or going to take pictures--personal favorite.
Strolling through historic PC--Park City ;)
Having it well planned...no matter how simple. Reading childrens books at the book store, making cookies and leaving them at random houses, finger painting, ti's mostly about who you are with rather than what you are doing... and if a girl says yes--she values your friendship and wants to get to know you better.

Frustrations--in general: (and if my date tonight is reading this--I totally understand and am not referring to that..)
If you are going to be late, please call.
Call early enough in the week that if I really do want to go out with you, I don't already have 6 dates and you think I don't care...
Have confidence--it is so attractive when a man knows who he is and what he wants and to know that for even an hour he wants to spend time with you.
DON'T ask out via text or facebook or email.
The interrogation: dates should be filled with light, edifying, enjoyable, not stressful... life has enough stress without adding to it.
Don't talk about marriage. A healthy/realistic person is not even thinking marriage in the begining, they are thinking what mountain to hike tomorrow, or what they learned in conversation, or about the NCAA tournament...
Don't send a thank you card a week later if you're not interested...(no names...RH ;)
That is kind of want spured this whole thing.

I think that when we take the pressure off ourselves we actually see if it is someone we enjoy spending time with and can make an informed decision as to whether or not we would like to go out with them again--

PS feel free to leave advice, feedback, male or female... I have a lot to learn!

Ever Just Have One of Those Days...weeks...mortalities?

Shocking that I would blog about emotions, eh? I just recently had the same adult--who I respect and look up to very much--tell me twice that I think too often about my brother and that I need to move on with my life.I guess it stings mostly because I really am trying my best and it saddens me to think that there are those around me--who "know" and "love" me--that think I am not doing a very good job at life.

It makes me think of Doctrine & Covenants 42:45--where God commands "thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die..."

I was torn between wanting to share that verse of scripture, bursting into tears, or saying F-you. I chose silence. And in my head rehearsed the line from the hymn "Lord, I Would Follow Thee: ...In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see..."

That song has come to mean a great deal to me:

Savior, may I learn to love thee,
walk the path that thou hast shown,
pause to help and lift another,
finding strength beyond my own.
Savior may I learn to love thee--
Lord I would follow thee.

Who am I to judge another
when I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother's keeper;
I would learn the healers art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother's keeper--
Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
Savior, may I love my brother--
Lord, I would follow thee.

Obviously losing my own brother to despair makes that song have special meaning, and I have tried to consecrate my life to God so that never again does one of God's children pass through my life without knowing that I love them every chance I get. I don't care if I look stupid for loving, or serving, or listening. I try to not judge and genuinely care for the welfare of others. I try everyday to allow the Lord to strengthen me and enable me to do good things and lead me to where He would like me to be--and apparently that's not good enough for some. Fortunately I know that I can stand before God and give an accountability for my life today and each day I've lived. I fall short all the time, but that is why I have a Savior--Jesus Christ--who makes "repentance" change, growth & learning possible.

How grateful I am to my loving Heavenly Father who speaks to my heart and my mind and sends me comfort when I need it. For any of you who know me--I love cards and sweet notes and appreciating people anyway I can. A friend of mine had a rough day today and so I went to pick up a few things at the store to make some amazing peanut butter bars--and wandered through the card section *as much to get her a card as to ease my own heart. And one Hallmark said:

"Perhaps they are not the stars,
but rather openings in heaven
where the love of our lost ones
shines down to let us know
they are with us."

This has special meaning... We used to lay on top of our houseboat at Lake Powell, or on Scott's boat at Pineview and count shooting stars. The day after Scott's funeral I came back to Provo--entirely lost--not knowing which way was up--and a friend called (about 2am.) He knew me really well and that there was very little chance that I was sleeping... he asked if I'd like to go for a drive and talk or just sit (no this was not a call for action, he genuinely cared) and we parked in the west parking lot facing the temple--I think I cried more than I talked and he just listened. And as I felt as though my heart may break into a thousand pieces--and never again be whole--a shooting star started high in the middle of the sky and for at least 2 minutes shot across the sky, behind the temple spire--leaving a radiant trail of every color and taking minutes to fade. I knew the Lord placed that star in orb long before I even knew the meaning of a broken heart...

And then a similar star in the middle of nowhere (the midwest) as I moved to Florida--not knowing why--or if I would even survive there. And there was the corn field outside Nauvoo with Christianne... And then there's the line from the Paul Simon song that Sydney (4) wanted to sing at her daddy's funeral:

"If you leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star.."

I don't know why I miss Scott everyday. Maybe I was a little too obedient to the command to love in such a way that I weep at his loss, or that I have only cried over it twice. I know days are harder that I know he would be there--like at Brad's baby blessing--I would have been chasing little loved ones and being harassed by Scott, and instead I just tried to make myself useful and not cry. I know Scott would be happy for Brad, Abby, Mo and me. I could feel him strengthening me as I sang in church--I hadn't wanted to--I hadn't sung since he died--my heart has been too raw--But I did it. Even if it wasn't great--I did it. (appropriately it was written for primary children--I felt about that meek and lowly.) And singing in choir and in the devotional... I appreciated that she spoke about some long lasting trials like losing loved one...and maintaining our faith amid those trials.

I've started painting and pursuing photography again as Scott encouraged. At one point he even gave me money to paint him something. I never had a chance to finish it for him--but I will.

I am back finishing BYU--even though I never wanted to be in the valley of sorrowful memories again.

I talked to Debbie from the Jerusalem program again and she handed me an application and asked if I was ready yet and that she wanted me to go.

I'm running again. I'd been training for the St. George Marathon in 2005--but that was a pretty rough year--Scott checked himself into rehab the same time as the race. He was always the one to remind me that it's just one foot in front of the other... for 26.2mi ;) And I know he's proud that I am again putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm utilizing all I have learned to try and help others and I know that the Lord has placed people in my life that I wouldn't even begin to understand or empathize with had I not known the experiences since 2006.

I know Scott would be proud--but he's not here to hug or tease or fight with or encourage me or cook for or clean up after of ski with or laugh with or beat up my ex/current boyfriends. And no matter how fast or how well I "move forward in my life" nothing will change that. All I can do is attempt to love others more fully, and live life to the best of my capacity and live worthy of eternal life and in that way honor his memory each day.

Y'all may just think that I'm a pansy for struggling after 2 1/2 years...and to you I say... follow another blog. So many triggers... the baby blessing. Going to Boise--I haven't been back since I was camping with Steph and her family. Moving forward in my life.

I guess part of it is that I feel very alone--I've been blessed with incredible friends throughout my life--but we've moved so many times and into other phases and places--and I never want to burden someone I hardly know--but sometimes on days like today it's just nice to have a friend to take a walk with, or a drive and just listen, and talk, and cry and laugh... a friend who won't tell you to move on or that you're not doing a very good job at life. Serving a mission and coming home with high hopes of seeing my family members re-activated and wanting the gospel--and then seeing them use agency contrary to that...has caused me to struggle almost everyday feeling that I am not doing a very good job at life.

Thank Heaven tomorrow is Friday.

I am grateful that all God asks is that I give my very best each day and strengthens me when I do all that I can--and to anyone else that hasn't been there (and even if you have--every person is different and experieces loss differently)... please tread lightly you may not know how rough the road is the person is walking, or what sorrow the eye can't see...

My Love Hate Relationship with the Y

Why? Well, a couple of reasons... I have been running more and enjoying the sunshine rather than the gym. Today I was going for a short 2-3mi run when I ran into a really good old friend--Love you Camille! It gave me a second wind, so I headed north and ran a few sets of stairs, then ran back home still wasn't tired and decided that since the Jerusalem packet instructs us that we should be in good enough physical shape to run (I think it may actually have said walk...) to the Y and back 2-3 times a day so that we are ready for our excursions... I decided that sounds like a great goal to add into marathon training... but I also learned that there is a reason that God gives us little by little, line upon line... my 2-4 miles runs had not prepared me to run to the Y from my house, after a normal 'shlog.' It's like Sam relating it to spiritual conversion and consistency--just because I used to run miles on the beach or run to the Y long before that--today was a great reminder that I am no longer at sea level...or 21 years old. I also learned that(ok, maybe it was more like reinforced...) but I can be kind of strong willed/stubborn at times. I don't like switch backs... so I ran up 7th East until it ran into the mountain and then I ran straight up the mountain... I loved the run, even saw a few good friends... but I think body may hate me in the morning... especially when I am back on the mountain!

But don't get me wrong... It was absolutely beautiful... and I was able to clear my mind very well (I think all cerebral capacities and physical energies were directed toward enabling my lungs to function :)And it even helped to even out the missionary-tan-looking mess I had from studying outside yesterday!

I remember now why I love running... and we'll see how I feel about it when my alarm rings at 5:30a... I say as I climb into bed!

A Bright New Day!!!

I was just notified that this photo "Enduring Hope" is being published by photo laureates, in the Best of year anthology. That's exciting. I've always wanted to pursue photography and haven't ever had the courage in myself or my work to do so...I'd like to thank my family and Christianne for not only hanging my artwork--but for giving it as gifts :) It is pretty encouraging when you see it in 15 different houses.

And I have decided to go with number 9, shot @ Lake Powell the only trip I've gone since my brother died--It was take at 6am on Syndey (His 5yr old little girls) birthday.Possible titles... Still open to suggestions...
"Sydney's Sunrise"
"Out of Darkness"
"Into the Light"
"The Sun Will Rise"
"The Hope of a New Day"
...Any thoughts?

*Some other wonderful things of the day:
*Singing Joseph Smith's First Prayer in the BYU Devotional and contemplating the importance of the restored gospel [good news] of Jesus Christ in my life.
*A great devotional address that helped me with things on my mind
*Beautiful green eyes so I can wear whatever I want on St. Patty's day!
*An incredibly beautiful day!
*Olivia Jayne's baby blessing (Sunday)*Abby's parents farewell
*An awesome relationship with my brothers--I have missed them!
*Being able to talk to Stephanie--for hours and hours and hours!!! Literally :)
*And for my favs that make that possible!
*Brian's friendship & talking with him about the gospel
*A feeling that I am where the Lord wants me.
*Chocolate shakes from Costco--partially frozen Mmmm!
*Waking up feeling less anxious for the first time in years today.
*One of the sweet young women in Florida reconnecting!
*Stopping by the BYU Jerusalem office--having the director not only remember me, hand me an application, ask me to come and say there's no way she could forget a countenance as bright as mine.
*Feeling such gratitude that my life didn't turn out the way I'd hoped this year.
*Learning who I am in the context of dating good men
*a very high compliment from a man & friend I look up to very much
*A long distance run yesterday
*Running into and helping a friend yesterday who is struggling
*Feeling hope
*Stephy singing on my voicemail--and laughing out loud in choir (yesterday)
*Stephy watching up on BYU-TV
*Nikki's texts :)
*The good friends I have made in choir
*Not falling back into the arms of my ex yesterday...
*Feeling the peace and joy from accomplishment
*Looking & feeling beautiful today
*The crocuses that were breaking through the ground
*My cactus that is loving it's new transplant to a larger pot
*Seeing Ashley today
*Not getting a parking ticket for parking in the Marriot Center--I have a permit they were going to mail it--I just haven't gotten it...(I put a note to the parking man on my windshield :) God loves me!
*Finding the books on Amazon that I've wanted... for $1.49
*A desire to develop my talents and a feeling of my self-worth
*The speaker addressing and validating long-lasting trials
*A good night of restful sleep
*Delicious leftovers from Sunday--our family can cook!
*That feeling and love of life coming back that I had lost for a time.
*The capacity to help others because of that pain I've experienced
*losing fake friends on facebook & maintaining sincere relationships
*THE LORD'S HAND IN MY LIFE... even if at times it is guiding me down a path I hadn't thought with initial promptings... I love the Lord!!!
*Emma's love of the Book of Mormon.
*Knowing that Brad (and Scott) are happy for me to be singing and creating artwork!

The feeling that as I accomplish things that are hard for me--and way outside my comfort zone I grow more confident in the Lord's capacity to enable me t great things far beyond my natural strength and that I believe in myself and attain divine confidence as I learn of and trust in Him--like publishing my artwork, or singing (between a solo with the choir in church, and in the BYU devotional... I may even work up to and have the confidence for Women's chorus :)

*My only slight annoyance was that I couldn't take notes in the devotional because we were singing... it was really hard for me. But I knew I could look it up, or hope that someone would take them for me!

Sorry I feel like this is a little scatter-brained, or like those nights in the mission I only had 3 minutes in order to obey the schedule--and bullet points had to suffice!

How much have you changed in 15 years?

****15 YEARS AGO (1994)****
1) Age? 10-11
2) Dating? What was that? oh... maybe the Oak Lane boys...?
3) Work? Crist,Cathcart & Peterson; a few paper routes
4) Residence? Bountiful Utah
5) Hang out? Bigelows, Grandma Spikers, School, anywhere but home.
6) Contacts/glasses? yes, but only to be cool like Diane Cutler :)
7) Best friends? Enu, Scott, Brad, Grandma Spiker, Emily, Riley, Spencer.
8) Tattoos? 0--Will never have a tattoo.
9) Piercings? 1-Ears
10) Car? in my dreams...
11) Religious? no
12) Heart broken? yes.
13) Single/taken/Married/Divorced? single
14) Kids? I was one
15) School? Oak Hills Eagles! Go fight Win! Perfect attendance, NHS, 4.0, perfect PSAT, Student council, won the read-a-thon, & Jump for life...big fan of school.
16) Drugs/alcohol? What's that?
17) Family? 3 older brothers. parents separated. I really missed my brother when he was in Japan.
18) Hobbies? reading. trying to be cool like my brothers. Water skiing, snow-skiing, painting, singing, basketball, soccer, writing...
19) Service? student council
20) Of note: innocent ignorance is bliss.

***10 YEARS AGO (1999)***
1) Age? 15-16
2) Dating? Brandon
3) Work? Christopher's, Cafe Alicia, CC&P, Christmas Cottage, Dee's Trees warehouse
4) Residence? Bountiful--Bigelows/anywhere that would take me...
5) Hang out? Snowbird, Alta, Lake Powell, Friends
6) Contacts/glasses? no
7) Best friends? Brandon & Family, Jeff & Family, Matt, Devin, Cole & Family, John, Riley, Tony, Scott, Brad, Matt, Emily & Family,
9) Piercings? 2 In My Ears
10) Car? Dodge Shadow--Teal--the color of gangrene baby!
11) religious? Starting to be. Diane Lake challenged me to read the Book of Mormon, live by it's teachings and said I would be happy...
12) Heart broken? Over & over again baby.
13) Single/Dating/Taken/Married/Divorced? taken.
14) Kids? no thanks.
15) School? not that I remember. But I did get voted least likely to graduate...
16) Drugs/ Alcohol? I wished at times...
17) Family? Loved/ looked to my brothers. Parents divorced.
18) Hobbies? Skiing. Writing. Surviving.
19) Service? Please...
20) Of Note: still alive

***5 YEARS AGO (2004)***
1) Age? 21-22
2) Dating? no--I was a missionary for the LDS church
3) Work? Missionary work baby!!! Spokane Washington, Republic Washington, British Columbia, Cheney Washington
4) Residence? All over the place
5) Hang out? I was there to work & teach, there was no hanging out.
6) Contacts and/or glasses? no
7) Best friends? Roadhouse, Staiger, Coleman, Crist (Kaila), Talley, Sayer, Ludlow's, Grimsrud's, Jorgensen's, Roger's, Beans/Klotz, Bond's, Brad, Scott, Sydney, Stockton.
9)How many piercings did you have? 1 In My Ears (c'mon the prophet said so...)
10) Car? Corolla, Dodge or bike :)
11) Religious? Yes. Exactly obedient with an immature understanding of the gospel, but a desire to do what the Lord's will.
12) Heart broken? My heart was no longer open to being broken it was locked...
13) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Unavailable.
14) Kids? no
15) School? Deferment from BYU to serve. Studied VA in Europe... unsure...
16) Drug/alcohol? Not a chance.
17) Family? Letter writing was great! Cutest niece & nephew new to the family! Dad remarried, 4 or 5 step-siblings.
18) Hobbies? In mission field: planning, listening, teaching, tracting, singing, letters, eating, service. (not in mission field: Cooking, skiing, snow-mobiling, water-skiing, wakeboarding, hiking, biking, camping, photography, singing, back-packing, basketball, soccer, painting, writing,
19) Service? Sharing the gospel, temple work, family history, community service.
20) of note: my organs got paralized in my last area as a missionary.

****2006*****************************************************************
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---------------------------------------------------------------breathing.
20) of note: BYU student, MTC teacher, Relief Society Pres, got hit by a temple worker while jogging, got stalked by a BYU student who received revelation to marry me, and my brother died--that was a rough month. but I'm still breathing.

****TODAY (2009)****
1) Age? 26
2) Work? Self-employed L.M.T.
3) Residence? Back in Provo...
5) Best friends? Jesus Christ. Christi, Steph, Kim, Brad, Mom, Staiger, cactus.
6) Do you talk to your old friends? Yes.
7) Piercings? ears
9) Car? 2007 Toyota Corolla, manual, Florida :) plates
10) Heart broken? It's in repair... but stronger than ever before
11) Religious? My immature & untried faith was not sufficient for the trials of 2006, and after much work & cultivation I can again say that I know of a surety that Jesus Christ is my Savior & has infinite power to enable me to endure anything.
12) Kids? none, but I've been a nanny & love my nieces & nephew
13) Single/Dating/Taken/Married/Divorce? Dating 2-3x's/day on occasion.
14) Contacts/Glasses? glasses but only for a stigmatism--I have 20x7 vision... that's right... I could be a fighter pilot.
15) School? A degree in massage therapy, back to finish up BYU, planning to attend BYU-Jerusalem.
16) Drugs/alcohol? There were times I wanted to as an escape the pain of the past few years, but through the example of a good friend fighting to maintain sobriety, and having lost my brother to drugs & alcohol & by the mercy & deliverance of Jesus Christ I choose not to.
17) Family? Good healthy relationships with my mom, 2 brothers + wives & niece. I miss my brother who died & his kids every day. Have severed all abusive ties. Am planning/preparing/studying for the ideal LDS marriage & family--And with God's help--I will attain it.
18) Hobbies? Breathing, cooking, skiing, thinking, teaching, journaling, water-skiing, wakeboarding, hiking, biking, camping, photography, singing, talking, back-packing, basketball, soccer, painting, writing, crying, reading, sleeping, blogging, traveling, sky-diving, surfing, kite-surfing, laying on the beach, cleaning.
19) Service? Sharing the gospel, AFSP, big sisters, RS, temple, family history, simple acts of kindness, saying thank you, reaching out.
20) Of note: I know God, who I am & what's most important in life. Trial & loss provide a forum conducive to learning those things if we so choose.

The Blessings of the Temple...

"The Publicity Dilemma - LDS Newsroom
Source: newsroom.lds.org
SALT LAKE CITY 9 March 2009 Like other large faith groups, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints sometimes finds itself on the receiving end of attention from Hollywood or Broadway, television series or books, and the news media. ..."

For all those inviting to random groups & boycotts I've chosen to do as exemplified by the church & focus on my own life & aims and "determine [my] own course as [I] continue to preach the restored gospel of Jesus Christ throughout the world."

It's not in avoidance of conflict; rather, I just know the good that the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ have brought into my life & I'd rather share those things than waste my time in debate of a television series that in bad taste has chosen to disparage Latter-day Saints.

Additionally, one of the greatest blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ is agency-the right to act & think for ourselves. While good decisions produce peace & clarity, no one is forced to choose one way or another. I just know for me the best thing I can do is live my life according to rigtheous principles and allow others to decide for themselves. A good guide I've found on whether or not something is good is if it brings me closer to God & helps others.

The link above has a clip on "Why Mormons Build Temples" which I found very enlightening.

Reflections

Thanks so much!!! You've helped me to narrow the first round before submission (March 31st) on the subject of reflections...now please comment and leave your top choice, and why it is your top choice.

*And yes, the numbering is intentionally non-sequitur so they match the results of the first round as well.
#1
#2
#3
#4
#6
#7
#8
#9
#10
#13
#15
#18
#22
#23
#24
#25
#26
#27
#28

The Things I Love About Provo...

The sunrises over Y-mountain and light radiating through my window to wake me up.
The view of Timp in the twilight as the sun sets over Utah Lake.
The old man who plays the accordion at Ottavios.
The sweet woman that lives across the street from our apartment.
The family next door that speaks almost no English.
The fact that I am only an hour flight from Steph & Kim,
and a 4 hour drive (if you don't get lost ;) to Christianne.
The young mother who brings her little girl over to play with the rocks in our rock garden.
The date nights I go on with my mother & that she isn't far away.
The surprises that she doesn't need to send home with me--but that I always look forward to :)
The Utah Symphony & it's outdoor performances @ Sundance & in Park City.
The family dinners in PC or @ Benihana or Market Street.
The chicken nuggets @ Chick-fil-a w/Brad & the kids (I love that I think of Brad as much or more than the kids when I go there :)
The learning opportunities Friday morning on our temple shift--I love President & Sister Bateman & Hicken (and I can't remember the other's name....)
The Incredible young women I serve with there.
The just as incredible mothers & grandmothers I serve there with.
The fact that one of my best friends from high school lives next door with his wife and new baby and that I got to be the first baby sitter so they could go out.
The friendly mailman who forgets #1 is on the 3rd floor nearly every day.
The low cost of utilities.
The spirit in the Joseph Smith Building.
The fresh apples from Allreds and the kind woman who works there. And the homemade apple pies & crisps I make with them.
The fact that Gayle & her family moved here from my mission.
The hill that overlooks the city outside the honors building.
The Provo bakery.
The wall of Family & Book of Mormons in each language @ Magelbys. And Doc. I love him. And his rolls.
The statues that they saran wrap when we play the UoU.
The fact that I can bike to the lake, or just go sit and ponder there for hours.
The world-class skiing that is within minutes from my home.
The family owned & operated mexican restraunt--Mi Ranchito
The life-long friends I have met while here at BYU.
The service opportunities.
The smell of weekend campfires.
The laughter and familiarity of good friends and quality ward activities.
The modesty in dress and speech.
The BYU football & basketball games (love you Abby!)
The cleanliness of BYU's campus.
The spring & summers here.
The house that has Christmas lights up all year.
The Utah clean air act.
The Williams Sonoma store I like to wander through in Riverwoods.
The Children's story time at Borders--as much for me as my nieces & nephew :)
The signs on campus that remind us to "Enter to learn go forth to serve."
The fact that I have night and weekend & my favs so I can talk to Lindsay even though she no longer lives in Provo.
The new phone plan Christi is on.
The temple that is 5 minutes from my front door. (and the other 7 that are within an hour.)
The fall leaves on the mountains.
The 2nd largest family history library in the world.
The only J-dawgs in the world.
The view of the valley from the canyon.
The way the sun feels as it pours through my windshield when I park on the road just East of the temple.
The fact that there is a missionary training center here and the spirit that comes with it.
The excellent leadership I am surrounded by and have been: Bishop & Sister Briem, Bishop & Sister Hardy, Bishop & Sister Hunsaker, President Child, President Kearl, President Turley (I don't know their wives...)
The incredible religion classes here.
The musical talent here at BYU.
The stairs south of campus on a quiet short run morning.
The best ward choir & director ever! Love you Jess!
The path on the southside of campus.
The ducks that line the walkway to campus begging for food.
The setting sun that pours in our south-facing windows.
The Costco that is so close.
The fact that Jeri lives close. I love you.
The nice lady Linda that works at Costco.
The salads & guac @ Cafe Rio.
The happy little Zupas that makes me think of Steph & Nic.
The songs/hymns played from the bell tower.
The Tuesday devotionals.
The Ces Firesides.
The fact that I can say hello to anyone--and only about half of them look at me like I am crazy.
The nice lady at the BYU health clinic.
The returning clients I have.
The gym.
The BYU pool.
The courtyard in the Joseph Fielding Smith building.
The smell of the Earth cleansed by rain.
The clarity and pristine blue sky after it snows and clears out the inversion.
The fact that I prayed for the first time out loud here.
The school of family life & it's teachings that have literally changed my life.
The 20min drive to Brad & Abby & Mo's house & the spirit there.
The 60min drive to Matt & Laurie & 'the girls' house.
The crazy ice cream place I go with Sis. Staiger. the fact that I still call her Sis. Staiger.
The proximity of Pres. & Sis. Ludlow & the Grimsruds.
The cemetery that isn't far.
The smell of the pine trees when it rains.
The feeling of being snowed in.
The cleanliness of my house. And my room.
The people around me that are striving to live good, productive, service oriented lives.
The men that hold and live worthy of the power of God.
The best home-teachers I have ever had.
The EQP who actually cares about the people he serves, & tells me when I am acting ridiculous or need to question my assumptions.
The little flower shop by my house.
The opportunity to face my fears.
The quality resources all around me.
The healing/pain of returning.
The Museum of Art.
The aquariums in the bottom of the science buildings.
The library lockers.
The light pouring through the windows in the library on me when I study in my spot :)
The wildflowers along the Provo River trail.
The fact that classes are started with a prayer and taught by the Spirit.
The thoughts by Dr. I in finance class.
The sweet woman Nina from NYC, who owned the Pizza place that used to be by J-dawgs who invited us to dinner at her house.
The opportunity to be a part of conversions of friends from China, the Ukraine, Russia & Japan who are/were here studying.
The BYU LUAU.
The Passover services.
The Provo library.

Welcome Back Stephy!!!

I love Steph.

She's home.

Boise home that is.

Love her long time.

She is like my better half.

To Become Like Christ...

A little something that has been on my mind throughout my personal study for a time... I don't have time to write about it tonight...but figure that in starting this it will increase the probability that I get around to processing my thoughts :)

Some things I am grateful for today...
A beautiful sunny day--as the sun rose--Mt. Timp looked incredible
Sun pouring in my window to wake me up
The scriptures and how they answer my questions
Journaling and the ability to learn from my life
Great roommates
Incredible teachers
Doing MUCH better on a test than I thought I did...
Attending and enjoying all my classes...
Studying outside in the sun before it turned cold...
[not being stuck at Snowbird on the chairlift that got shut down for 2 hours today]
Talking my mom into teaching me to can dill veggies for one of my classes :)
Getting tickets to the Luau with some of my best friends.
Stephy getting home tomorrow!!! Welcome back sista!!!
Dayquil
Running into great people on campus
Professors that know much more than I do and are willing to educate me...
Empathy as an outgrowth of trials
A beautiful brisk walk this evening
clean laundry
My down comforter
Electricity
Internet working in our apartment again :)
A smile from a total stranger.
R.E.A.L.
Wonderful people from my mission
Talking to Sister Griz
An upcoming reunion with people I love
Courtney's wedding & getting to see her for the first time in way too long!
A quality conversation last night that still makes me laugh... Tuesdays.
Knowing who I am & what I want in life
A kind email from a friend.
Modern medicine.
A calm & peaceful mind
Loving what I am studying...
A card from Stephy in the mail, the same day I sent her one
Christianne thinking of me today.
Brad being willing to help me with my finance homework
and being understanding and kind.
Matt getting brought back to work after being laid off--the Lord was listening!
My mom.
Memories of Tuit & Inu (aka Enu)
Good men in my ward, classes & social life.
Doing all the things I have never taken time for at BYU.
Good books.
Beautiful photographs.
A clean house.
Costco.
USAA.
The opportunity to help someone from a situation you never thought you'd find good in...
honesty.
Memories from Europe.
Memories of wonderful moments with Christianne--cornfield, road trip, meteor shower etc.
The gift & blessing of healing.
the power of the priesthood.
Resilience.
A warm hoodie.
Going to sleep early.
Being half way through midterms
and more than half way through the semester
options.
Agency.
Resources.
Stars.
Glitter like snowflakes.
Candles.
The temple.
Learning.
Progress. Aiming for spiritual progress not immediate perfection.
Learning to say no.
Laughter.
Northern lights.
Fishing.
Music.
Sleep.
Being better than the day before.
Being better than the year before.
Fortitude.

And most of all, for a loving Heavenly Father who knows and loves me, and I assume met with me before I came here to talk about the areas I could improve in, and then placed me in situations to work on all of them... and trusting Him...and having a desire to accomplish His will and become like Him. (*personal study: Matt 4/real life application 1/09-current etc)

Humility

Humility
Noun:
the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.
Origin:
1275–1325; ME humilite < L humilitās. See humble, -ty
Synonyms:
lowliness, meekness, submissiveness.

Lowliness
–adjective 1. humble in station, condition, or nature: a lowly cottage.
2. low in growth or position.
3. humble in attitude, behavior, or spirit; meek.

–adverb 4. in a low position, manner, or degree: a lowly placed shelf.
5. in a lowly manner; humbly.
6. in a quiet voice; softly: to converse lowly

Meekness
–adjective, -er, -est. 1. humbly patient or docile, as under provocation from others.
2. overly submissive or compliant; spiritless; tame.
3. Obsolete. gentle; kind.

Origin:
1150–1200; ME meke, meoc < ON mjūkr soft, mild, meek

Submissiveness–adjective 1. inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants.
2. marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.

I have recently chosen to be more humble. And I don't say that to be prideful or to insinuate that I am some great person because of this... it is possibly one of the most difficult things I have ever undertaken and for me it is a process. Learning to ask for help or not rely on my own strength. Learning to rely more fully on the Lord and come to a greater awareness of my nothingness without Him. Learning to face my weaknesses and ailments and to choose to humbly seek divine assistance. Learning to trust others and to allow them to see me exactly as I am--weaknesses & strengths. I believe there are times in our lives when our afflictions humble us--and then there are times when we could continue on doing "well-enough" in our prideful state, but the Lord invites us to come to Him, see our weaknesses, and yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit that we may become humble, lowly, meek, submissive--and work to cultivate those and many other Christ-like attributes... And I am trying to do just that.

Impressions of the Spirit...

Following impressions of the spirit today proved very beneficial... I was on campus attending class, studying for midterms, doing finance homework and trying to get on top of things... and after my last class I just felt like I needed to go home.

As I walked in the door it smelled hot, like something burning... but remembering that Michelle had destroyed her toast this morning I tried to dismiss the feeling and could not. I walked into the kitchen just in time to watch the wrapper on a loaf of bread burst into flame. The loaf of bread had once been contained by a ziploc bag which was completely melted--thus the hot smell I had noticed when I walked in...

Apparently someone left the toastmaster plugged in... it had gotten so hot it melted and ignited anything in close proximity.

Often times I follow impressions and never see the end result or know just "why" I felt to do something, I think there are times that we simply show our obedience to the Lord and demonstrate our willingness to be led; however, there are times like today where I am blessed to see the end from the begining and how grateful I am to have followed the feeling to go home. Thanks be to God! I am so grateful for His guidance and love.

Sweetest Smiles Ever!!!

Patience is a Virtue...

It has been a while...

Many things both good and not-so-good have happened, but I am alive and learning and fighting a good fight.

Some blessings:
The gift of agency.
Running into an old friend--I love Ruthie!
Eating Raspberries & blackberries for breakfast.
The opportunity to help someone.
The 3 days of sunshine last week :) Kind of an idealist...I'd be ok if we had sunshine everyday!
Tending Olivia last week so Abby could have a break while brad was away on business.
Dates with some incredible guys.
An invitation to dinner with friends.
Christianne.
Getting caught up.
The ability & opportunity & love of helping people via massage.
Ether 12:27 applied--CM, DH, MH--Go team :)
The gift of music.
Facing my fears.
Better time management...
Getting out from under the "shoulds"
People who know more than I do.
Google.
Wordy. (love you Christi!)
And quality resources & support.

Growth Through Adversity...

This is my cactus... it was actually an old roommates and she couldn't make it grow--in her defense, she was never home and never really cared about it. When she moved it had 2 leaves and was brown and nearly dead. I decided I would take on the challenge and see if I couldn't bring it back to life... In the beginning (like is my nature...) I was over zealous. Watering it too often, smothering it if you will. Then I thought about the conditions most optimal for it's growth and I began to water it only when it drooped more than normal-about once a week. That was hard at first--I didn't want to ignore it while watering all our other plants, I didn't like to see it's leaves hang low--but--within a month the little cactus had 15 new blossoms... so apparently something was working. I then moved into a new south facing apartment that gets direct sunlight all day!!! Me and the plant both really like this :) Within just a few days there was incredible new growth. Then one day I was dusting and I knocked the cactus off... it was really traumatic... after all at this point in my massage program I didn't really have time for people so this cactus was basically my best friend... and here I killed it. I'd always heard that if you put the branch in water it would grow roots and you could replant it. So I put it in a little mason jar and put some water in it--but nothing really happened. A month passed--still nothing. When Jason and I broke up I bought a plane ticket to Florida and must admit--I forgot about the cactus. When I got home I figured it would have died, I hadn't watered it for 3 or 4 weeks by this point. What did I find...
but incredible new growth. Ironic wouldn't you say that during some of the most trying times in my own life as my own roots were being forced deeper and my faith was being tested and tried, the little cactus I'd neglected had forced it's roots deep enough to survive transplant and to produce new life.

In institute this week Brother Brooks told of President Eyring's experience as a member of the first Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He shared that with the world we live in with wars, famines, trials of every kind--that sometimes it is very difficult to discern what to pray for--after all do the people need the famine, war or trials to progress...?
That's a really hard doctrine for me to digest sometimes. I need greater faith that the Lord knows me that he knows what I am capable of enduring, that he knows the circumstances that will best facilitate my roots sinking deep and my faith growing strong. He is the Lord of the vineyard. (see Isaiah 5 & 27 & Jacob 5) And sometimes that means allowing me to planted in rough ground, or allowing the winds to blow or allowing me to fight to survive.

As I ponder on the notion that the Lord already knows what I am capable of, he knows "that all these things shall give [me] experience and shall be for [my] good..." This life is for me to discover those things, it is for me to learn and to grow and to realize my divine worth and full potential. I think of Truman Madsen standing in the Holy Land asking Pres. Hugh B. Brown, why if God did not actually require the sacrifice of Isaac was Abraham asked to make such an offering..? To which Pres. Brown responded, "Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham."

Elder Sheldon Child spoke once of a conversation he had with a friend after a severe storm. He said, "The trees on one side of his home were standing straight and tall. They had weathered the storm well, while the trees that were in what I considered the prime spot on his property had not been able to withstand the heavy winds. He pointed out to me that the trees that survived the storm were planted on firm ground; their roots had to sink deep into the soil to receive nourishment. The trees he had lost were planted near a small stream, where nourishment was readily available. The roots were shallow. They were not anchored deeply enough to protect them from the storm.

Our testimonies, like those trees, must be built on a sure foundation, deeply rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ, so that when the winds and rains come into our lives, as they surely will, we will be strong enough to weather the storms that rage about us."

As I watched someone I recently loved break into fits of rage this week, I have contemplated just how it is possible to stand strong amid the winds, rains, wars, famines and agency of others. I have come to the conclusion that it is only in and through Jesus Christ. Our faith must be grounded and centered in Jesus Christ in order to endure joyfully to the end and to produce salvation...and all true faith must be based upon correct knowledge or it cannot produce the desired results. Faith in Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is more than belief, since true faith always moves its possessor to some kind of physical or mental action; it carries an assurance of the fulfilment of the things hoped for. A lack of faith leads one to despair... (BD669-670).

God is aware. He knew we would have difficult times. He knew there would be great opposition. He allowed his only begotten son, even Jesus Christ to suffer the pains of all mankind, to provide a perfect example and to "[reveal] himself and his perfect character, possessing in their fullness all the attributes of love, knowledge, justice, mercy, unchangeableness, power, and every other needful thing, so as to enable the mind of man to place confidence in him without reservation" (BD 669). God is perfect I just need to learn to trust Him better and to place greater faith in His will.

Joy

"Joy: the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation."

There is no more acurate way to describe the events of the day.

Thanks be to God, faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and my family!

25 Random Things...

Apparently I give into peer pressure... or just want these posts to stop ;)
50. I want to go sky-diving
49. I'm going to publish a cookbook entitled 'Our Family Secrets"
48. I ate shrimp for the first time in the mission field
47. I never broke a rule while serving as a full-time missionary
46. I have 26 cousins on one side and one on the other
45. If I weren't LDS I would drink a glass of wine every night and soak in a hot tub... but I drink juice instead...
44. Speaking of juice... I drink out of the container... it started while serving a mission to save time & effort. Don't worry...Costco juice comes in 2's for a reason... [Yes mom, you can express your disappointment now... 3 boys and a dainty little girl, right ;)]
43. I love to write... and much like this entry--write about twice as much as I need to :) I'm a woman... what do you expect?!?
42. I love Florida & would move back in a heart beat.
41. Speeding tickets...? I have 23 warnings... but I have changed my ways...
40. I've always wanted to be just as wonderful as my 3 older brothers, they are my hero's in so many ways.
39. I danced as a sugar plum fairy in my kindergarten Christmas Program...
38. I once made 9 3-point shots in a Jr. Jazz game
37. I didn't drink milk until I was 14 years old.
36. I love Cinque Terre
35. I was at Cape Canaveral when the Challenger exploded
34. I only have 5 classes until graduation and just declared my major Friday
33. I've gone on 3 dates in one day... more than once...
32. I love to hike. Havasupai this year... I've not yet been to the Grand Canyon
31. I want to learn everything! I'd like to learn to fly fish & dance & play the piano
30. In the 9th grade my dad cut my bed into firewood with a chainsaw
29. There are about 100 more things I could follow that one with...
28. I love fresh flowers
27. I've always been afraid of finances, so I'm in a personal finance class this semester... and am doing very well
26. I've never played the wii...
25. If I could do anything...I'd be a travel photographer
24. I won the Kennedy Center's photography contest
23. I studied visual arts in Europe and would love to go back
22. When I was 7yrs old, I fell on barbed wire the night before we left for Lake Powell...I got stitches, shaved my leg & duct taped a newspaper bag to it each day so I could water ski...
21. I've had paralyzed organs
20. I swam with dolphins
19. I love to sing
18. I love to cook
17. I love cleanliness... I vacuum 6 or 7 x's/week
16. I can ski a slalom course
15. I like it hot. Hot. Humid. Beach. Sun. :)
14. I sleep with it cold so I can snuggle under lots of covers
13. I love to have my hair played with
12. my hair was short (to my ears) all through high school
11. I do yoga for an hour every morning
10. I'm writing a book
9. I once lit the gutter on fire... it was really pretty... we lived on the big steep hill on your way to the Bountiful temple...ok maybe more than once... but I only got caught once. (Kind of like the time Emily & I like fireworks in our 7th grade science class...)
8. I always wanted a curfew growing up...
7. I got voted least likely to graduate from High School in 10th grade... then spoke at graduation
6. I love books. I read 5 or 6 every month and... when I moved back from Florida...I gave away clothes to keep all my books
5. I love physical touch
4. I plan to run a marathon this year, and an Iron Man within 3 years.
3. I've skied for 23+ yrs and was invited to the "If ULLR Was a Girl" Ski Competition @ Whistler BC
2. I've been kissed by a few boys (sorry to disappoint Court... still not going to tell...)
1. I've slept in Central Park