Sometimes I Wish God Didn't Trust Me So Much...

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." --Mother Teresa.

By no means do I call myself Mother Teresa, or even assert that we stand in the same forum, but the aforementioned quote & some experiences from today caused me to think as I attempted to fall asleep & as is typical when I think--I toss & turn & sleep escapes me until I do something about the thoughts running rampant through my mind...

Today was not a good day. I was frustrated by the actions of a loved one--and just plain saddened feeling the void where once love & trust flourished in my relationship with Jason, & I now understand how it feels to have loved, trusted, invested, dreamt--and lost. All due to the agency, and I assert: fear, of another.

BUT--I know from experience that the greatest thing I can do when I want to pull my covers over my head and isolate--is to get up, hit my knees & then with my feet in solid footing & trust unwaveringly placed in Jesus Christ--go to work. Or, as the day may have it--go to church. AND today, church felt like work. Smiling, accepting social engagements, dates & working through painful memories--deciding how to move forward, deciding that because love is a choice--I choose to no longer love him--not in a malicious way--but in a way that frees myself from the bondage of a now an unhealthy relationship.

It has always been hard for me to let go of those I love--whether their choices be good or bad--whether it be from a parental divorce, a familial suicide, addiction--many of the experiences in my life have reinforced the destructive thinking that "if I'm better it would be different." But in this case in particular--that is purely fallacious. And I refuse to let it draw upon my past, or elicit feelings of failure. God knows me, He loves me, He has a plan for me & apparently He trusts me--far more than I would like at times.

Feeling the effects of a highly emotional day--I returned from church just wanting to climb in bed--but--with an impression to get on facebook--yes--once again--the faceless mechanism proves useful, the blessed opposition of all things. There was a message from someone I don't know in a region of the world I'd never even heard of (I will change the name to protect the identity the individual.) The message was as follows:

'hi sorry to bother you but what is the latter day saints all about and what is the meaning and what does it entail etc if you have time please write back with some information thanks x'

I'll be honest--I pray daily that the Lord will fulfil his promise in Preach My Gospel and lead me to those ready for the truth, or lead them to me--and He does. But today? Of all days? Can't I just have a crappy day? Can't I cry over broken promises & halted dreams? Can't my heart just be broken?

Of course it can be--that is what God asks: that we offer a broken heart & a contrite spirit. My heart has never been so broken. And from the ME origin contrite: worn down; crushed. My soul has never been so crushed. But how can this be a good thing? How can this be requisite to life eternal? Why is it that whom God loveth, He chasteneth? He knows my capacity to endure. He knows my potential? He knows my desire & ability to serve Him, but do I?

[From my personal study yesterday, 2 Nephi 2:6-8 "Wherefore, redemption cometh in & through the Holy Messiah; for he is full of grace & truth. Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all who have a broken heart & a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered. Wherefore, how great the importance to make these things known unto the inhabitants of the Earth..."]

As I looked at this individuals profile before responding, feelings of selfishness, betrayal & pain left as my aching soul became atuned to the needs of another. As I read the bits shared by this person & the enduring trials suffered--seeing his/her desire to know truth--I forgot about my pain and I longed for another to know the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, in which I have found hope in Christ.

"Wherefore, whoso beleiveth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."

I thought back to when I was 18 years old & my best friend asked if I knew that God loved me. I didn't know? I didn't know God. I had created from the father in my life a God that was a hard handed & punitive, a God who out of neglect or oversight allowed us to suffer. How else does a child understand that God can love them, and allow abuse, tragedy or heartache?

Through the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. That teaches God's unending & perfect love for us. It illustrates agency, or the capacity God has given that we might think & act for ourselves, it depicts opposition in all things that we might know joy & sorrow alike--but that with that frame of reference & increased understanding we might choose the better part. That through our actions, we may learn, grow & return to live with our Father in Heaven. I ultimately desire to be like my Heavenly Father & His son Jesus Christ--knowing that Christ suffered all things--I do not expect a life of ease & complacency to pave my way back home; rather, as I have learned--as I take a few steps along the path my Savior walked, I learn to help another, and in so doing I learn of Him.

I know that God lives. That Jesus Christ is my Savior, my Redeemer, my Counselor, my example, my older brother, & my best friend. Through His life, death, & teachings I can overcome all my weaknesses, even sin & death & live with all those I love who choose to do the same--in the presence of God--to enjoy never-ending happiness--and I know God will fulfill these promises.


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And... if you're interested in my response, it was not the above late night ramble. A few things have been changed to protect anonymity:

Hi,

No bother at all.
I am actually just returning home from Sunday church meetings and had kind of a rough morning, so the chance to focus on something good and share it with you is very welcome--thank you.

Your questions make me smile because I remember wondering those same things not too many years ago when my life had no direction, I didn't know which way was up and i really felt overwhelmed by depression, anxiety & loss. A friends mother suggested I read the Book of Mormon & told me that if I lived by it's teachings I would be happy--and she was right--I still have some rough times--but in general my life is entirely different because of the teachings of Jesus Christ I found in that book, that also confirmed those in the Bible, and that let me know that God loves me as much as he did the people anciently.

Are you Christian? Any religious beliefs? Any particular reason you are wondering about the latter-day saints? [you don't have to answer any of those unless you want to, just trying to get to know you & where you are coming from.]

It is called the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--because it is Christ's church just as when he was on the Earth, only it has been re-established later, ie the latter-days.

The main belief is that God loves us, and is aware of us, even as our father in heaven, that he knew life would be hard but that we would learn and grown & gain a body by coming here--so not wanting us to fail or give up--He provided Jesus Christ to be our Savior, example & to establish a church to provide hope, guidance, and the power to overcome sin, death, discouragement & even depression. That through faith, prayer, repentance, baptism, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring in faith--we can return to live with God again & find peace & happiness along the way.

I still don't understand all these things perfectly, and I still have hard days--like today--but had I not found these truths, something to put life into perspective, I wouldn't still be alive.

The following link may be helpful as well:
http://www.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/

as well as the Book of Mormon I was telling you about:
http://scriptures.lds.org/

I invite you to read the Book of Mormon, and ask God if it is true. As you do so you will receive guidance & feel the love & awareness of God.

There are awesome church representatives that teach people full-time about these things and I am sure would love to answer your questions--and I'm always here as well.

Truthfully, this really helped me to look beyond my own hard times today and remember all the good blessings that have come into my life.

Thank you for asking.
I pray you find what you were looking for--we're all in this life to help each other.

Ashley

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Also altered for anonymity:

hi ashley i was just woundering about your belives as i donts really follow any religion but i feel i have lost my way in life and feel like a lost soul,

i have suffered from depression..and i am still finding hard to cope with some days i am fine and feel on top of the world and invinsable but other i feel like i just want the ground to open up and take me in i also suffer with panic attacks and anxitiy but i think that just comes with the deppression and i would just love to find my way in life feel like im being pulled back at the momment but dont know what by.

i hope you keep well thank you for your advice...i have a feeling you are an insperation to many people in your area.

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God is wonderful & He truly knows & loves us. He knew that I needed the opportunity to share my faith with another so as to strengthen my own convictions, to affirm His love & trust & awareness of me & in so doing help another along the way. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is joy, happiness, love & the ability to overcome all interwoven with our 'personally tailored trials' of mortality.

It reminds me of the following the lyrics by Josh Groban:

"Thankful"
"Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more

There's so much to be thankful for."

Lovin' Little Cottonwood...

Really, I mean what isn't to love? Steepest terrain in North America, skiing with the best of the best, knee deep powder--thanks to the Lake effect & lowest water content--making it just like powdered sugar... I must agree with Brigham Young when he said, "this is the place!"

Blessings of a Wonderful Week!

So many great things! School! I love to learn! My classes are incredible--just what I want to be studying. Applying myself isn't difficult--it is what I would be doing in my spare time anyway! Family! I got messages from Sydney, Stockton & Samantha today! Brad called! Got an e-mail from Laurel & got to enjoy a wonderful dinner with my mom! I came home from a very productive day, got a ride from a good friend--home in time to meet my mom in the parking lot :) Baby Mo's Onsie arrived from Disney World--Princess in training--if you will--and I will! Seeing Bronco Mendenhall at Magleby's--Magleby's is wonderful! Seeing my old boss Deena who is incredible! Good memories--good friends! Good food! An invitation to come back & work! Sweet and inspired conversation from my amazing cousin Brookie! A new dryer!!! The heating element has been out for over a month--yeah for soft dry clothes!!! The Sunshine! An awesome talk with an old friend yesterday in the library--and an email from her today! Texts & messages from so many people I love--feeling the prayers of those I love! Having weak things strengthened! Realizing as I am in many of the classes I was in when Scott died--that the time is right for me to be finishing up. Loving even my finance class! Greater faith! Feeling inspired when I studied! The nice girl I didn't know that smiled at me in the library! A library locker! Choir!!! And an invitation to the service choir--we sing at rest homes and detention centers and invite others to seek & experience the Love of God! The settlement check from Allstate! Good health! Good friends! The chance to go skiing again! A beautiful sunset! A great party with old friends--making new ones! Inside jokes! Snowball fights! Gold leather sandels in January! Good men holding the door all day! Incredible resources! Fantastic roommates! Cleanliness! New clients! Returning clients! Humor! When the corners of my lips turn toward Heaven in Joy! Confidence that the Lord knows & loves me & that He has a plan for me. That He knows my weaknesses & has provided the opportunity for them to become strong in & through the Atonement of Jesus Christ! The opportunity to bear testimony of Jesus Christ to a few dear loved ones this week! A knowledge that through opposition wonderful blessings & experiences have come into my life! The blessing of adversity! 'An actual knowledge that the course of life [I] am pursuing is acceptable to the Lord' & 'reception of the blessings of the Lord that are available to man [and woman] in this life!' Gratitude for personal growth & the things that I have learned. Love for my Heavenly Father! Gratitude for repentance--an actual change in the direction of life that is possible--today & everyday for each & every person. It isn't just for the people that have visible mistakes, or the ones that have huge trials or sins--but for every person--everyday--with a desire to become better--more like God. Perfect balance of all emotion, perfect knowledge, perfect employment of talents, gifts & laws, perfect obedience--to even the laws He created. Perfect understanding--perfect love. In thinking of this notion of 'perfect' I can either allow myself to be disabled, discouraged & disheartened--because I know I am not perfect--or--I can take the definition of perfect as 'whole' or 'complete' and I can couple that with the perfect example--even Jesus Christ--accept His truths--His love--His gifts--His power--and allow myself to be enabled in and through His infinite power.

I often contemplate just how the dark times fit into the 'plan of happiness' and then I think about how Christ is the Light and life of the world--coupled with my training in the visual arts--I look how the darkness enhances the capacity of the light to shine--how the shadow creates a frame of reference for the light & vibrance of the picture. How what was once flat & lacking depth--comes to life as shadows beset the canvas. I think of the darkest times in my life--that have set the stage for the light & life of the world to redeem me from my fallen state. I look to Jesus Christ as my Savior, Redeemer & Friend--truly I can say as it is sung--'The Lord is My Light'

'The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?
By day & by night his presence is near.
He is my salvation from sorrow & sin;
This blessed assurance the spirit doth bring.

Chorus:
The Lord is my light;
He is my joy & my song.
By day & by night
He leads me along.

The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,
faith stronger than sight,
looks up thru the skies where Jesus forever doth reign.
Then how can I ever in darkness remain?

The Lord is my light; The Lord is my strength.
I know in His might I'll conquer at length.
My weakness in mercy He covers with pow'r,
And, walking by faith, I am blest every hour.

The Lord is my light, my all and in all.
There is in His sight no darkness at all.
He is my Redeemer, my Savior & King.
With Saints & with angels his praises I'll sing.

Some Thoughts as I study World Religions...

As I am learning about Jewish culture from a devote Orthodox Jew, I am reminded to go to the source and seek answers. How many times as a missionary doctrines would not have been misunderstood of someone desiring to know about the gospel of Jesus Christ had come to us-rather than the nearest anti-Mormon literature or proponent of conflict.

It is interesting to learn the whys associated with other religions & cultures. For instance, never knowing what the sukkah was-- and learning about the meaning behind it increases my appreciation for the Jewish people--and what they do. Author Greenberg states that "the sukkah s a reminder to all generations that God redeemed the people of Israel from Egypt. Like a loving caring parent He caused them to live temporarily in booths that sheltered them from the elements." To see that it is for the Jewish faith a sort of type & shadow of God's love helps me to better understand their practices.

It is as President Hinckley (former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said in speaking of our friends of other faiths, "Look for their strengths & their virtues, and you will find strength & virtues that will be helpful in your own life."

How true that is in relationships with all people--if only we were to look for the strengths & virtues in all people, of all faiths & ethnicity's & to seek to learn and grow and become better as a result of what we learned--we would make the world a better place as we ourselves became better more tolerant, well-rounded & loving people.

A Wonderful New Semester!

It is a great feeling to be back @ BYU, in the thick of my major classes & reveling in new friendships while savoring long-lasting quality relationships. Just yesterday I sat studying the teachings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ--realizing I am able to do it while pursuing a degree. To be led by President Samuelson--a general authority of Christ's Church--to start classes with prayer--inviting the spirit of the Lord that together we may be edified. I know that I am in the right place at the right time & studying just what the Lord would endorse I study to best utilize my talents & abilities. so many things that I have come to love & appreciate & develop over the past 2 years--my love of teaching the gospel, my love of service, my appreciation for counseling & increased knowledge of resources. My love for home & family, my experiences nannying & time spent in Florida healing. I have greater self-confidence & motivation to accomplish great things than ever before. On the way back from a party Tuesday--even the billboards spouted sonnets of inspiration: make miracles happen!

I see miracles happening all around me--and am a part of so many. My life has brought me to this point capable of accomplishing so much good. And out of many of the trials of the past few years--greater joy & accomplishment than I could have dreamt--have been--and are being realized. Reading in 2 Corinthians Chapter 8, verse 2: How that in great trial of affliction the abundance of their joy & their deep poverty abounded in the riches of their *liberality (*FTGR sincerity, purity of mind generosity.)

There are so many good things & incredible opportunities all around me--it is like finally seeing the bigger picture. Actually wanting to be here. Knowing who I am, where I am going & what I want. *Note from BYU devo. Having the earning capacity to go to school full-time and work 10 hours a week & still provide for myself. Facing the unfinished classes from when I got hit by the truck & Scott died. Seeing how all these things truly have come together for my experience & good. having greater more enduring faith in Jesus Christ than ever before. Accomplishing my dreams--studying family life to attend grad school in counseling, singing in choir, skiing, helping people enjoy a greater sense of well-being through my job. Enjoying my family--so excited for 'Mo' to be born--and so happy to be closer to Brad & Abby. I'm so thankful for the life experiences they have had & shared with me & inspired that i hold strong to the ideal. Being so close to the temple & working there--learning each week how to create & pattern a house of the Lord. Experiencing greater joy than ever before!

I'm taking a religion in the home class--we study many world religions--from those faithfully practicing those faiths--and my life is being enriched so much as I better understand others beliefs, rituals & righteous traditions. As I come to learn more the Jewish culture it only increases my desire to study in the Holy Land, it enhances my great love for those I got to know in Florida--I think I was the only Christian in my building--and I definitely brought the average age down a good 25 years :)

So much more to come--

Ode to Christianne...

Christianne is ALIVE!!!




How grateful I am that my best friend is alive!

Christianne came down yesterday to pick a friend up from the airport--and to see me :) We were able to spend some quality time together--I love her! It was a bit of a rough day and I wanted to climb in bed by about 8p... but studied, visited with some friends, studied & was actually in bed by 10:30p.

Just after 11:15p I awoke from a deep sleep with the impression to call Christianne and tell her to to sleep at my mom's house in Bountiful.

Tonight Christianne called and told me that she had been in an accident just this side of the Idaho border around 2a and they had rolled her little car 3 times.

I felt awful. I apologized--remembering that I had that impression to call her--that I knew she shouldn't drive home. She told me I had called her and left a message. She'd also had numerous impressions to pull over & get a hotel, or slow down, or not push it etc--AND she had also read to me from the book 'Not My Will, But Thine Be Done' while she was here...

Some lessons may come in a painful way--but just the fact that she was able to walk away from the accident, that both she & the girl with her are alive & well. That they felt impressed to get a ride from a man going to Idaho Falls, who actually took them all the way to Rexburg--thank you to the good people everywhere--and especially to that man who didn't just drive past someone I love with it being a 20-zero night along the highway--thank you! Thanks to CHristianne's friend Dustin who followed the impression of the spirit to get up & pray for her at 2:30 this morning.

Such gratitude fills my heart for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ that allows us the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost--guidance, comfort, direction from a member of the Godhead--at all times & in all places & in all things.

I can't imagine my life without Christi. Truthfully, it was only hours before this accident that she & I were telling Brian & Sam how we met, how our friendship inspires us to constantly strive for our potential, and how the Lord's hand has been revealed to us in so many ways-it was like Doug asking us last year where we met: "in Heaven." Straight-faced response from Christianne. It's true though--I believe there are kindred friends in this life & that the same sociality exists that existed before we came here & will continue to exist after we leave this mortal life--and so it is for all the good people in my life--thank you! For a good friend & our amazing 'Smith's date' experience--everywhere with us is an experience :) For the beautiful snow, for my wonderful family, for an amazing bishop, for a great home evening group, for the good people in my classes, and for the opportunity to learn & grow & become better!

SNOW!!!

I love snow! So many great things today... huge falling snow flakes :) More yoga! The impression to take Airborne this morning--not knowing that the friend I was going out with tonight had been sick :) Fresh Florida grapefruit. A good book & a down comforter! Rebecca & Mackay's sealing approval!!! Congrats for the 17th :) The sweetest emails from quality friends, a phone call with Tamara--where she took seriously the 'Costco sized bottle of self confidence' :) I tell you it really works. Catching up with some more old friends I haven't talked to in years--plans to go skiing with a couple really good guys. A wonderful evening, great conversation, getting all dressed up to go out. Wearing gold flip flops in the snow (please note it was not snowing when I got picked up ;) An incredible movie--Forever Strong & yummy hot chocolate afterward. Courtney getting engaged!!! I'm so happy for you! Seeing Brooke & Dave SO happy tonight :) A wonderful, productive & introspective day with big beautiful snow flakes to top it off!

On that movie... so many things touched my heart...I shed a couple silent tears, I won't lie...but you wouldn't have known if I didn't tell you. You have to understand the premise of the movie--the star athlete who makes some bad choices, gets some DUI's, is sentenced to Wasatch JuVD & winds up playing Rugby for Highland. The role the father plays--or doesn't play in the life of his son--so many things rang true of our family, of Scott & his drinking. It made me wish things were different, that my dad hadn't enabled Scott's behavior the way he had--that maybe if he'd had to accept the consequences a little sooner they wouldn't have been a matter of life or death. All the pain & tragedy caused by alcohol... the incredible moral lessons taught in the movie--"let's focus on where you can go, not where you were or are" "he was a real friend--he made me want to be a better person" On losing a loved one "although his body was gone, his spirit is still with me." "I want you to be forever strong on the field so you'll be forever strong off." And then one that really drilled home in my heart--after having all those feelings of frustration toward my father awakened--the lessons taught to Rick about forgiveness: "It took me 40 years to forgive my father Rick--you stand where I stood 40 years ago--don't spend another minute being angry about yesterday--free him & you free yourself." And then in the end "you have a choice here, you either get up & finish this game or you stay down & end up like me."

Right after Scott died, there was a billboard along the 15 in Utah Co. that read: "get back in the game." It was of an injured basketball player--something Scott loved & excelled in--I tried to come close with my 3's ;) I know that the lessons we learn in mortality enable us to better help people, to endure in faith & to become like our Heavenly Father. Just like the head of the JuV center who had been there--he knew how to be there for others--he didn't always have his head screwed on straight, but he sought to be better because of the trials in his life--how great that there are still uplifting movies out there! And my old FHE co-chair was one of the players in the movie--he's amazing--congrats Ian!

Don't Put Off for Tomorrow the Things that Can be Done Today

A great article my mom shared with me--thanks mom! Isn't it encouraging? What a great start to the New Year!

"10 Things You Can Do Differently Today

By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
December 26, 2006

Every year at about this time, magazines, newspapers and websites (including ours!) publish their usual articles on how to keep your New Year’s resolutions. We all seem to forget that many people — perhaps even most of us — make such resolutions partly in jest, partly understanding that while our intentions are good, they are not meant to be hard and fast rules.

So this year, we thought we’d try and do something a little different. Instead of offering you 10 things you can do to help keep your resolutions, we’re going to share with you 10 things you can do differently today that will help change your life. None of these will blow your mind, but they will help make a positive impact.

1. Change your routine. Sometimes all we need in our lives is to alter something in our daily routines that hasn’t been working for a long time. We convince ourselves it would be too difficult to change, or that it would require something we don’t have. Making the commitment to change, however, often brings about insight — and resources — that we don’t always initially have.

2. Eat better. While not exactly a revolutionary suggestion, eating just a little better than you have in the past can have a significant impact in your life. We’re not saying do away with the fast food altogether or switch to eating nothing but bran flakes for the rest of your life. But make a commitment to everyday choices that are just a little healthier for you. For instance, opt for a smaller cheeseburger instead of the Big Mac. Eat two cookies instead of five. Eat one day at Subway instead of Burger King or McDonald’s. Don’t deny yourself the pleasures of eating, just try and make healthier decisions everyday when it comes to your food choices.

3. Have a real conversation. So much of our everyday activities are driven by things outside of our perceived control — going to school, work, or taking care of the kids. We seem to be pawns in a life not of our own making sometimes. One way to regain a little sense of control is to stop and have a real conversation with someone about something meaningful. Not every day. Not every conversation. Maybe just once a week, with a friend, a coworker, or your significant other. Talk about something important to you, something meaningful. You’d be surprised at having such regular, real conversations can help better ground you in your life and give it some meaning.

4. De-clutter. Nearly everyone has a clutter problem. While some people seem to have magical abilities removing clutter from their lives, the rest of us seem to live in a constant state of mostly manageable clutter levels. And that’s fine. Nobody should attempt to be Mary Poppins if their lives more often are akin to a tornado’s passing through a town. But if you make a conscious effort to reduce the amount of clutter, that can help you feel more in control of your life. For instance, deal with junk mail the minute you pick it up (don’t keep stacking it until it resembles the leaning tower of Pisa!). Have your children put their own things away once a week. Ask your significant other to help out with de-cluttering your life just a little bit.

5. Exercise. Yeah, yeah, we all know we should exercise more (unless you’re already hitting the gym 5 times a week!), and we all vow we will. But did you know a simple 15 minute walk every day will help significantly improve your long-term health? You don’t need a gym membership to stay a little more fit than you are today. Sometimes people feel the only way they can do something is if they do it 110%. But the easier solution is to find that 15 minutes a day to do something simpler and more likely to happen.

6. Listen more. We all think we listen when others talk to us, and most of the time, we do. But in this fast-paced, multitasking world, we often don’t really listen when someone speaks to us. The closer the person is to us, the more we often don’t really listen to what they’re saying. You can’t just stop not listening, because it’s something most of us have inadvertently learned to do over the years. We pretend (even to ourselves) that we’re listening, but we’re actually doing something on the computer, watching TV, or reading an article or book. Be a little more aware of when you’re doing this, and stop yourself from doing it once in awhile. Listen. While you may think that what you’re doing is more important than what the other person is saying, you may also find that the other person’s words have meaning… If for no other reason than because they are coming from someone you care about.

7. Have some fun. Some of us are very good about having fun, and doing it regularly. But some of us, especially as we get older, forget to have fun. We think we’re having fun watching TV or playing a video game — and some of us really are — but many times we use these activities as stand-ins for actual pleasure. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that you should also make room in your life for real fun too! While there’s a time and place for taking life seriously, there’s an equal time and place for forgetting your troubles for a few hours a week and really enjoying yourself.

8. Enjoy the journey. Many of us are so focused on getting to where we’re going or where we think we should be going that we forget that the journey is often just as important (and fun!). Life is a full-time, 100% learning experience. Even when we think we’re in the midst of the most mind-numbing, repetitive and boring experience, life is trying to teach us something. The problem is that a lot of the time we don’t realize this. We negate the experience, and in the process, we negate a part of our lives. Embrace the journey, even if it’s just once in awhile, and understand that everything is a part of living a full and meaningful life.

9. Read an entire article. The Internet has been a wonderful boon to our lives, opening up doors and breaking down barriers that have plagued our society in so many different areas. But in one area, it has dealt us a bit of a setback — reading skills. The Internet values the interconnections (or “surfing”) one makes back and forth, all over the world, from website to website. But it doesn’t value sitting there and reading a full-length article from start to finish. Whether you do it online or in a local newspaper or magazine, sit and read an entire article, from start to finish. It teaches us to value good writing (rather than what passes for writing on so much of the Internet), appreciate the nuances of a well-told story and a very good writer, and often challenges us to think outside of our comfort zone. Skimming articles – what most people do online – gives us the gist of the information with none of the nuance or character of careful reading.

10. Try another stress relief. Like all patterns of behavior, we often adopt behaviors over time without giving them much thought. If it comes naturally, it must be okay. How we deal with stress is one of those things that we learn by watching others in our life — on TV, our parents, and our friends. We learn to do positive things, such as exercise or writing in a journal, as well as negative stress relievers, such as drinking too much or bottling it up inside ourselves, letting it simmer. Look at how others around you deal with stress and pick just one different, positive way of dealing with stress and try it out. It may feel a little unnatural at first, but give it a week or two and you may find it is another helpful alternative to place in your stress relief arsenal.

And remember to live. Aren’t we doing that already? How can I do that differently? You know, so many of us spend our lives in “quiet desperation.” That is, we live from day to day without giving much thought to our lives’ meaning. We yearn to do something more, something different, but most of us never spend much effort to achieving that. But you can take little steps, instead of giant strides, to live a life that has more meaning to you. What that meaning is, only you can decide. But instead of putting off getting to that meaning, you can make a start — today — toward it.

Perhaps you’d like to be in a different career, so start thinking about the careers that interest you. Perhaps you’d like to be in a new relationship, so start thinking about what qualities you truly appreciate in another person. Perhaps you’d like to be a better parent, so start finding little ways you can improve your parenting skills. Perhaps you’d like to write a poem or book, so start writing — it doesn’t have to have form or function, just desire.

Sometimes the greatest challenge we face in changing something about our lives is the actual act of doing. We put up barriers within ourselves to stop ourselves from even trying to do something different, because we believe we will fail, it is too difficult to change, or it will take too long. We never even start.

So don’t start today. Don’t start tomorrow. But start just one of these things within the next month, and you’ll find that you will succeed if you only try."

Thanks be to God & all the Wonderful people in my life!

My heart is filled with gratitude for all the blessings in my life. It is, as Joe Saviano reminds me, what you focus on that expands. As I open my eyes today to all the good people and blessings around me, tears well in my eyes and I feel unable to accurately express my appreciation for all that I have.

Waking up to light! I love the sun, and the symbolism of Christ--the way, the truth the light, & life of the world & of my life! I started my day with a morning session of Yoga, prayer & study of the gospel--thanks to Christianne & Niki for such a thoughtful gift that has already brought greater joy, peace, focus & centering into my life--I love you both! I got to talk to Christianne this morning--It makes a great way to start the day--she always brings out the best in me & I hope I encourage her in a similar way. When I told her about sharing the gospel with Mary she told me how she'd given like 6 Books of Mormon away since we last spoke--I can't keep up with her--but I'll live everyday to try. I can't picture my life without her--I only moved to Florida because my heart was broken after Scott died--but the Lord blessed me in ways I never could have imagined--nor adequately thank Him, or the people that have changed my life for the better. The blessing of a clean & organized room! I've never had my own room at school until this semester--and yesterday I scoured the place--bleaching the walls, detailing the moldings, sanitizing & disinfecting it all--I love cleanliness! I think my spirit is able to function better! Then a nice hot shower (when we lived in Italy--we didn't have hot water--trust me--it's a blessing :) Freshly shaven legs--any woman knows that's a great blessing, time to get ready & new Sephora from Christmas in Boca! And a great conversation with my roommate Michelle who shared with me her perfect New Years date--Thanks Michelle! Then my mom came down bringing me all kinds of wonderful treats--books & articles filled with light & truth & encouragement. She brought my exercise ball & all kinds of things to make the semester start even more smoothly :) Thanks mom! Then we went and ran errands--and I got a down comforter for Christmas--who doesn't want to sleep sweetly each night?!? I got a new battery for an old camera--and took pictures--you know the kind that uses film--wow--I wonder if I should save it for my children so they know just how old I am ;) Then we went to Babies R Us & got a shower gift for 'Mo' my sweet little unborn niece--I can't wait to see her--I love Brad & Abby & Mo & am so thankful to be close when she's born & to shower her with love! It is a great blessing to be close to my family this year, they've been so kind as I cared for a broken heart & engagement. They've shown such understanding & empathy as I've grieved the loss of my best friend--thank you! I ran into one of my best friends & her new husband @ Target--I love Michelle & Jamie and am so happy for them--they inspire me never to settle for less than the ideal! A phone call from my best friend from the ward and her new husband--I love you Brooke & Dave, It brings me great joy to see you so happy! A phone call from another best friend Rebecca--what can I say--I'm surrounded by the best! I love she & Mackay & so many blessings have come through my friendship with her--some crazy stories & apartment tales as well--but overall just love & blessings all over the place! A phone call from a woman from my mission--I love her! What a blessing it was to serve the Lord & to gain eternal friendships! Another call from a companion yesterday that just thinking about makes me smile--oh Sister Staiger I Love you! A sweet message from River filled with understanding and love. Catching up with a great old friend from Boca that moved--even Facebook can be a blessing! Good uplifting music--and wonderful prophetic encouragement from Elder Holland! An amazing dinner with mom @ Magelby's--and seeing a lot of blessings from when I worked there--being able to express my gratitude to Doc & his appreciation for it after a long hard day. When you apply there, you turn in a life sketch--all that you've done and are doing for good in the world--and when he looked over my application--he hired me on the spot & said--"she's the all-American wonderful LDS girl--how could I not want her here?" When you walk through the door there is a book of mormon in every language on the shelf and family pictures adorning the walls--the spirit is there--and so are many good people & memories. Truman Madsen used to come in each week & tell me stories of my aunt & uncle who served with he & Ann back East. President Child & his wife were there tonight--he was my stake President just after Scott died--and has definitely mastered caring for the one--I knew that God loved me & was aware because of the way my leaders extended His love to me--his cousin is my home ward bishop who was our home teacher for 10 years before that--what can I say... inactive part member families get the best of the best--Bishop Child was my first good example of a stalwart man that really cared for those he served--thank you! He even offered to get the whole ward to execute the wedding if manpower was needed--he and his whole family came to support the AFSP event in SLC that I chaired this year & donated great things from RC Willey--Thank you! The friendly man from LA who chatted with us over the USC game for 15 minutes--made me smile. Warm rolls & raspberry lemonade Mmmm! If you've ever eaten at Magelby's--you know they're wonderful! Marking calenders with my mom--that was one of my favorite activities we would do when I was little--stickers scattered all over the table, remembering everyone's birthdays--once we hear them--we'll know it forever :) With a pen in hand we planned for a wonderful year--and the beautiful calenders that Jami made for us for Christmas with the greatest pictures of my nieces & nephew! Yummy oranges that my mom gave me--that's my favorite part of my Christmas stocking! Eating healthy & not being an emotional eater! Feeling impressed to talk to Christi via facebook (again--it was a blessing--whoa! ;) and looking at the beauty & fun we were able to capture in Florida & skiing Utah. Seeing incremental improvement with that 'Costco sized bottle of self confidence.' :) Wishing everyone I saw a Happy New Year! The nice guy at Target, we talked about how we live in a dessert here ;) Humidifiers are amazing--almost as good as a beach--OK not really--but it's still a great blessing! The greatest bishop ever who checked in on me & who has really helped me learn about God's love for each one of us! Reminiscing over memories with Steph & that she'll be home in 3 months! I love she & Max & they've been such a blessing in my life as they have followed the spirit & encouraged me in word & example! Seeing a post on Elder Simakov's wall from someone he taught the gospel to--and how wonderful he is doing--and his very thoughtful letter this week--thank you! Wrapping up the day with an evening dose of Yoga--on the mat my mom gave me for Christmas! Thanks again to everyone--especially the Lord--for a wonderful day! Being filled with appreciation and love for my Heavenly Father as I have felt strength from the prayers of those I love & as I have turned my heart to God--I love Him. He is my father, and although I do not have someone who acts as a father here in mortality--God has always taken his place and blessed my life in real & concrete ways that only my true father could--Thank you!

The Best is Yet to Come: 2009!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

This year I am doing things a little differently... no fad or short lived unreasonable goals for the new year; rather, I am going to focus my efforts on experiencing joy & happiness each day--sharing it with those around me--and thanking God for all things.

I plan to strive each day to become better than the day before, and to more consistently employ daily, weekly & monthly planning & goal setting to achieve great things. I will continue to dream & then work each day to accomplish those dreams.

I will wake each day by 6:30am, run (bike, swim, cardio etc.) & study my scriptures & then apply myself to whatever comes with the rising sun.

I plan to accomplish many wonderful things for the Lord this coming year & throughout my life, allowing Him to refine & mold me as I develop the gifts & talents I have been blessed with. The greatest desire of my heart is to be a wife & mother & to help those I love attain exaltation & live with our Father in Heaven. I will do all that I can to prepare spiritually, physically, emotionially, socially, educationally, vocationally, & financially for those blessings. I am auditioning for BYU's Women's Chorus this week, training for the St. George Marathon & Wasatch Back, going to BYU Jerusalem, taking the personal finance course @ BYU, I will continue to build & maintain a sucessful massage business, I am taking the photography class @ BYU & will continue to pursue that interest. I will improve my support of loved ones in the mission field & continue to go out with the full-time missionaries & strengthen those I've been privliged to share the gospel with.

I Love the Lord Jesus Christ & feel His love now more than ever before. I see His hand in all things and appreciate His atoning sacrifice as never before. I guess you could say that in the process of being completely broken--I am better prepared with a broken heart & contrite spirit than ever before. I trust that the Lord knows what is best for me & will continue to strengthen & guide me as I seek & follow Him in faith. I'm excited for all the joy & happiness that awaits us this year--God bless!

A Wonderful Year: 2008

This has been a wonderful year of growth & learning & love.

I have learned to better celebrate life. *December 30, 2008

It was this time last year that I was driving from Florida to Utah.

As I drove back to many painful memories, uncertainties, & a lot of unfinished goals...I looked ahead to 2008 with a great deal of anxiety & apprehension but I wanted to do great things, I wanted to know who I was & where I was headed.

I wanted to improve my relationships with my family members, I intended to finish my last few classes @ BYU. I wanted to date good men. I knew a lot of what I didn't want--particularly being around so few that shared my faith in Jesus Christ & enthusiasm for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I wanted to be able to support myself financially, I wanted to settle the Allstate mess from when their client hit me while jogging, I planned to establish a chapter for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention here in Utah, I sought healing from my brother's death & many answers, I wanted to be able to forgive myself for not saving his life & to move on healthily & pursue my dreams. I wanted to improve how I felt about myself. I knew it was time to come back & face the things that occurred prior to my sabbatical to south Florida.

What I learned was to 'let go & let God.'

I learned to trust that all the righteous desires of my heart will be realized in the Lord's due time & that all too often I want it my way. I have learned so much from the things in my life I hadn't planned for and couldn't see this year...

*the trials in my life have brought me closer to my family than I even knew possible.
*The people the Lord placed in my life & allowed me to remain in contact with are the greatest blessing of all.
*Massage school provided many growing opportunities & an earning capacity that allows me to continue my education without all the fear & anxiety.
*Working in the temple continues to teach me many of the things I need to establish my own house--now and in the future.
*I was able to act as AFSP Event Chair for SLC & complete the necessary requisites for a chapter to be established here--including the very successful first annual 5K.
*I was blessed to love & serve the sisters in the Relief Society again & employ many things I learned from my imperfections the first time around.
*I got to spend wonderful time with my nieces & nephew while they visited this spring & summer.
*I have gotten so excited for Brad & Abby's baby to arrive--soon!
*I have gotten to spend some truly wonderful time with my mom.
*I have moved into a wonderful ward where I feel at home & am able to love & serve many people.
*I have dejunked my life--giving many things to charity & throwing away a lot as well.
*I settled the Allstate claim December 24th! It took the whole year...
*I got accepted to return & finish BYU.
*I have learned to love & respect myself.
*I have had the opportunity to date a couple of incredible guys & really get to know them this year & to see much more clearly what I want in an eternal companion & what I expect of myself.
*I have found great peace & healing through the atonement of Jesus Christ & service to others & answers relative to Scott's death.
*I learned that through faith I truly can endure all things. There is no darkness that the rising sun does not penetrate, no wound that cannot be healed, no offense that cannot be forgiven, no pain that cannot be endured--through Christ--all things are possible.
*I work diligently to maintain good emotional, physical & spiritual health.
*I know who I am & where I am headed.
*I have learned to accept my best effort & have overcome many perfectionistic tendancies.
*I have improved my strivings to please God & not others.
*I have learned to say no, and not plead my case as to why.
*I have learned that I am capable of loving unconditioanlly.
*I have improved through repentance & truly changing my heart, actions & course in life.
*I have learned the difference between wants & needs & I have learned to go without.
*I have become much more assertive, setting aside passive aggressive behavior.
*I have set healthy boundaries & maintained them while establishing independance.
*I have become less sarcastic & cynical--much more authentic.
*I am more consistent & unwavering.
*I have cultivated greater faith in Jesus Christ & had hundreds of opportunities to share His love with those around me.
*I have increased in consistently following the impressions of the spirit.
*I have learned to better see the Lord's hand in my life & record those blessings.
*I have learned about the agency of those I love & I have respected it.
*I have learned to dream again.
*I have worked to accept love & feel worthy of the Love of others.
*I have visited my mission & the people I love in Washington.
*I have visited Florida & the people I love there.
*I was able to see the LDS Recovery groups established throughout the peninsula that Christianne & I worked so hard to see implemented.
*I was able to bring many weaknesses to God, accept my humanity & allow Him to make me better than I was before.

*I am a work in progress & look forward to another wonderful year of joy, happiness, learning & growth--Afterall it's all about finding the 'joy in the journey'!!!

Sharing the Gospel with Mary...

First of all, I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love this season of joy because it is when so many hearts are turned to God and serving others. I think I take this knowledge for granted all too often, and so I consistently make goals to share it with those who are not so lucky to know God as their loving Father in Heaven, and Jesus Christ as their Savior, Redeemer, & Friend.

During sacrament meeting I like to assess my life and the areas that I would like to improve. While taking inventory of my life 8 days ago, I felt very strongly that there was someone that needed me to share my knowledge of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ with him/her over the break. Someone that needed to know that not only was Christ's doctrine applicable in the ancient world, but also in our day--that His church is again on the Earth--exactly as it was when he ministered to the people in Jerusalem--that personal revelation and healing and guidance and the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost are as real and vital as ever before. I made note in my journal to take an extra copy of the Book of Mormon with me when I left for Colorado with Jason. Not 2 hours during the women's meeting at church (Relief Society) a woman stood and announced that she had 4 Book of Mormon's (Books of Mormon?!?) that she would like to challenge 4 of us to give out over the holiday... I asked for one, and chuckled how God invited me so quickly to take steps toward my goal to share His love with someone who He'd prepared for it.

Many things happened during those 8 days--as you can infer from previous posts--and I didn't even really know which way was up to be honest... But as Scott said when I was training for the Tri-state marathon... "it's just one foot in front of the other, Ash..." I could do that...just keep moving one step at a time. And, as Bishop Angelos (now Pres. Angelos) used to remind us--just show up and open your mouth--I could do that. Allow God to lead me and be willing to open my mouth when He did. At times I question how God could possibly work through me amid grief, loss, sadness, or even physical exhaustion... but then I remember the promise contained in Preach My Gospel about finding people ready to receive His love--that either God will lead me to them, or He will lead them to me--and He does. Over and over again!

On an hour of sleep, and before my mother and I left for the airport at 6 o'clock in the morning I asked if we could pray together, and remembering that God had someone ready for me to speak with, I prayed specifically for that experience and the courage to open my mouth and look beyond my own pain and see as God would have me see things.

Getting to the airport just in time to catch my flight, and exhausted of all my emotional and physical strength, I was asleep before our plane took off, and woke up as we touched down in St. Louis. We'd had a 110mph tail wind and arrived 30 min. before schedule--so my layover was 3 hours long--still so tired--I slept again--waking up just in time to switch gates as announced and board the plane. As I was getting on the plane, I felt that I was to sit in a certain seat and that someone would sit by me and that God had prepared her heart to hear more of his gospel. An off duty stewardess sat on the isle, and I in the window seat. The plane continued to fill, they announced it would be a full flight, and no one sat by us. The doors closed and they announced that as soon as our new pilot arrived we were ready to take off. Confused, I thought--ok--I'll sleep again. But I pulled out the Book of Mormon and decided that if God is going to work through me--he cannot draw from an empty well--and now more than ever I needed to fill the void. I need the light of Christ in my life, I need a greater understanding of his doctrine and I need greater faith. I studied in Alma about faith, and then in Mosiah about the power of the Resurrection and the Atonement. The door to the plane was opened, our pilot boarded, and so did another passenger--a man. I could have been wrong that there was a woman to share the gospel with on my flight I thought as he came to sit by us--and then after putting his suitcase in the overhead bin--he bid his wife (who'd since boarded) to sit by us.

Her name was Mary.

A passionate black woman from Detroit Michigan who wore a cross near her heart and the light of Christ in her eyes. Her faith radiated and penetrated my heart. I was immediately scared--afraid of my thoughts and feelings and testimony of God's love being rejected. Trying to wiggle out of the responsibility to share with her--I asked God for affirmation: "is this really who you want me to talk to..."

A solid yes. I knew before I even asked. Now I just prayed my little heart out for the opportunity to arise. Mary started talking to the stewardess and I felt rather relieved and studied quietly on my own--writing thoughts and impressions--kind of in my own little world. It has always been hard for me to talk to strangers about things that matter to me, I am constantly afraid of people seeing who I am and what matters to me and rejecting me--but I knew what God expected of me--and even if I fell flat on my face--I had shown up--and now it was time to open my mouth. I started with small talk about where she as from and if Orlando was home or if she was just going to enjoy sunny Florida for the holidays. She got a rather sad look on her face and said- no. She was from Michigan and that the holidays had always been there and would always be there--in her home with her family--filled with love and the spirit of God. And then she proceeded to tell me how her daughter died this year and she just couldn't celebrate the same way. That the family needed a change and it was too hard to face it as it had always been with her there.

Stunned.

I apologized for her loss and told her I could relate in a very small way. I know that I have never loved as a mother, or lost as a mother, and even if our experiences were the same, we are different people who cope very differently and that only one individual could know exactly how Mary felt--Jesus Christ himself. So many things running through my head--the scriptures I had just studied in Mosiah about the sting of death being swallowed up in the Resurrection of Christ. That through faith in Jesus Christ, all things are possible--even if we only have a desire to believe--God can work with that. I tried not to get choked up thinking that if Scott had not died 2 years ago--I wouldn't have had to ask those soul-wrenching questions. I wouldn't have just boarded a plane for Florida to escape the pain of sitting at Christmas dinner with his empty chair, or Christmas Eve when I'd make his favorite homemade pizza or play with his kids and watch the joy of the season fill their hearts. or think of the good holiday memories--like when Stockton knocked over the wise man in Mom's expensive nativity and then sweetly sang "the wise man built his house upon the rock." Or how he and I would spend hours making the Christmas village all over mom's house, or the year we weren't going tohve Christmas after the divorce and he came into some money and took care of it, or the woman he helped have Christmas for her Children when he and hi own family were struggling to make it, or the year he made me feel ok that we were eating out of unmarked cans--food that had been given to us--or how when he'd ask me what was wrong he'd force me to be authentic... My heart turned to his birthday that is just after Christmas and how I still can't eat mint chocolate chip ice cream cake from BR without bursting into tears, how almost everyday I think of what I would say to him if I had the chance, or how I can help someone else as a result of what I've learned, or to always express my love to people I care about because their life may be cut short and then I will learn to deal with regret and struggle to love myself because I wish I had done better.

Having all these thoughts hit me at once, I realized that some of the things in my life had enabled God to work through me. My heart had been made tender through loss and burned within my chest to help her find comfort through Christ. Still unsure of how exactly to bring in the Book of Mormon that I knew was for her, without being pushy or failing to acknowledge the great faith that she already had--she looked at the Book and asked if I was studying for school. I told her no, that I was reading about Christ & his teachings. She told me how lucky I was--that she had figured she'd read the one in the hotel because packing Christmas gifts for her children and Grand children--there was no way she'd be under the weight limit at he airport--and how she realized she'd be in a timeshare and not have one to read.

God is wonderful. I told her a little about the book, wrote my testimony in it, highlighted the passages I had told her about and included in it my number, or lds.org if she had any questions. She told me how wonderful it was to learn about God--how at 4 or 5 she asked her son what he wanted to be when he grew up--and how he answered that he'd like to teach people about God. When I gave her the book, she had hard time accepting it, but was so grateful and surprised I would give it to her, I told her that I knew that God loved her and wanted her to have it. The stewardess leaned over, and said--there was definitely a reason that we'd sat together today--and how that was her favorite part of her job was seeing things like that orchestrated each day and learning who people are and what is important to them.
Mary was so excited she showed her husband as soon as we got off the plane.

As I sat and waited for Christianne & Niki I pondered over the things that had just taken place. That feeling of God's love for Mary that had healed a hundred sorrows and calmed a great deal of turbulence in my soul. It was then that I again realized that God knows all things. He knew that my holiday plans would change and that I would be on that flight to Orlando. He knows me. He knows Mary. He Loves each one of us. He hears and answers prayers and it is through faith in Him that we learn and grow and become better. He understands our heartache and will consecrate it for good if we bring our broken heart to Him. I love God and this season that invites His love and light into so many homes.

Tonight as we lit luminaries for the FHE at Christianne's, and I watched as the missionaries and neighbors came to sing carols and rejoice--I thought of the symbolism of those lights--inviting others to come into the home and feel the joy that comes through Jesus Christ.

I want that joy and light to fill my heart and home now and always and will work to attain that goal. I want everyone to know the reason I have to hope, and the source of the light in my eyes.

God lives. He loves each one of us. He has a plan for each one us. He knew that we would not be perfect and so He provided a savior for us--His only beloved son--a sacrifice I cannot yet fathom--but that enables me to become better. It provides a perfect example for me to follow, agency to decide for myself and the strength to overcome my weaknesses, to feel joy and happiness and to attain eternal life with those I love and the many others God will place in my path.

May the light of Christ bring you the joy and happiness and answers you seek through this Christmas season and always--Merry Christmas!

A Broken Heart...that's been changed for the better...

I love Jason, and I miss him already. Hoping this is the decision that is best for both of us, to allow Jason the time space he's requested... it is a new experience for me to love someone in such a way that I desire his happiness even though (and possibly because) I truly love him--even at the cost of our engagement--even just as a friend--I will always love him. Some of the greatest times of my life have been spent with Jason, and I am a better person because of the things we have learned together. So, much as the song lyrics described when we met--'like a handprint on the heart... I have been changed for the better.'

Headed to the beach!!!

You'll notice a few changes...I'm no longer engaged, I'm not going to Colorado for the holidays, and I'm no longer moving.

For those of you that may be concerned, or unsure of my well-being... I can assure you this is the best decision for me and Jason both. The Lord has taken great care of me thus far, and I trust that he will continue to do so--and is already. This picture was taken the first day I swam in the ocean when I moved to Florida, I got stung and had no idea... it was a bitter sweet experience that's for sure... but my love for the beach only grew with time. I spent hours looking into the great expanse and knowing that God is in charge of the very sands of the sea--he knows me--he is aware of me. If my heart and soul can endure the loss of losing a loved one to suicide, the many heartaches life has brought, and I can become better because of them--the Lord's hand remains in my life still. This is a time to rejoice in the birth and life of Jesus Christ.

"The gospel of Jesus Christ has the divine power to lift you to great heights from what appears at times to be an unbearable burden or weakness. The Lord knows your circumstances and your challenges. He said to Paul and to all of us, 'My graces is sufficient for thee.' And like Paul we can answer: 'My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me' (2 Corinthians 12:9) And I know now that I truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. [phil 4:13]

May the knowledge and love of God fill our hearts with joy and peace this holiday season! Merry Christmas!

The Power of Truth and a good friend...

Joy to Everyone!

The First Presidency Christmas Devotional was the highlight of this Christmas season for me thus far. In a world where everyone is focus on the economy and buying--to remember the birth and life of Jesus Christ with joy and gratitude.
http://www.lds.org/move/index.html?type=Christmas&event=2008&lang=english

Who can I serve? How can I retain the true meaning of Christmas? How can I not become distracted from the true meaning of Christmas?

I have to be honest, I don't really remember any gifts I've received; however, the most memorable Christmas traditions were spent in the service of others. Cutting the prettiest tree out of our yard and decorating it for and with my great-grandmother--hearing where every ornament came from and about the thousands of lives that had blessed hers, serving breakfast to the homeless in downtown SLC and passing out the numerous coats and warm clothes we'd gathered, the Christmas my brother Scott met a woman who came to buy a car from him--and not only could she not buy a car--she and her kids would have no Christmas or even the basic necessities of life--and he got them everything from a tree to food and toys. Doing the 12 days of Christmas for people--one of whom went out of town in the middle and probably wondered what happened to the other 5 days... Watching all year for the things that people need and would not do for themselves and being able to help them. When we were really little, we had a manger under the tree and when we did nice things for others we got to put a piece of straw into the manger--and then by Christmas--have created a place for Christ in our home. There was the Boca Raton Ward Market place, where we were able to wash the feet of the people as they did in the ancient world at the time Jesus Christ ministered to the people.A little something the director of Fine Arts @ BYU created, it helps to encapsulate the knowledge and joy Christ brought into the world that I hope to bring into the lives of those around me. After all, God our loving father wants us to be happy and experience joy. Merry Christmas!
http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LmpveXRvZXZlcnlvbmUuY29tLw==

Giving Thanks!!!

Birthday Highlights!

Wonderful People Everywhere!

Do you ever just take a moment and consider all the wonderful people around us? I just got the sweetest message from Jason's Aunt, she didn't have to write it, but it may my day a little brighter because she did, thanks! Or my hurried run to Costco in between clients, never would have made it in time were it not for the good friend from the ward I ran into there who helped me get everything for institute tonight, thanks! How about lunch with Jason between classes, listening to Christmas carols and just enjoying time together? Maybe it was the phone call last night with my best friend from Florida, a recent convert to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ--Oh how I love all the good people around me!

Bittersweet Holidays

So many blessing around me:
Good friends & family,
the blessing & ability to work,
the opportunity to further my education,
a safe and warm place to sleep at night.
a beautiful sunrise & snow dusted mountains,
good music celebrating the birth & life of Jesus Christ,
the knowledge that Jesus Christ is my Savior, friend & redeemer,
that through prayer I can talk to God & know that he understands me perfectly,
birthday wishes from so many I love and appreciate,
beautiful flowers, a plant, and so many wonderful living things around me,
and so many more that I could no sooner number the stars in the sky...

So why the bittersweet myriad of emotions associated with the holidays?
It was easier to deal with my brother's death when in Florida,
I wasn't reminded of the void so oft as I am at family gatherings.
It seems the days I know we'd spend together are the most difficult...
my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, his birthday, his kids birthdays etc.
(sometimes I wish that not all of these things fell the same time of year...)
And somedays I just feel sad when I think of Scott & all the good times...

How grateful I am for my dear sweet bishops wife today--she simply listened and understood, and saw the sadness beyond the smile, and loved me still the same. I know that because it's been 2 years, many people expect me to be 'over my brother's death...' but I guess I don't feel you ever get over someone you love; rather, you learn to live without them for a time. And until then, I will miss endless holiday monopoly games, eating so much we felt sick (although that one continues on still) and then playing 'fat dog' in front of the game, running around and playing with his kids, all the embarrassing family stories told at the dinner table, and just the way he made me laugh...

The Hand of the Lord in My Life!

I love the Lord!

I just can't help but enumerate the blessings of the Lord in my life. He is truly leading me by the hand, opening the windows of Heaven and blessing me far beyond what I ever dreamt.

I know I haven't posted many things as of late and it has been a lack of time--not a lack of desire, or an apathy or even an unawareness [not sure if that is even a word...but at this time of night and on my own website... I'll call it poetic license and make it one ;)]

Every day I am more and more aware of the Love of the Lord in my life and all the blessings He has given me and continues to give me. I have so much. The people around me that love me--I have never felt so much love and support in my life--thank you to each and everyone of you that has touched my life for good.

I promised Jase I wouldn't stay up too late--and I could write forever tonight it seems--so I am going to pull a little something I did in the mission when there just wasn't time to write all that I wanted sorry many will be bullet points(there was never time sufficient to record all the blessings of sharing the gospel and serving 24x7 people you love and inviting them to Christ. Those same feelings of gratitude, peace, love, joy and humility swell sweetly in my heart tonight as I reflect upon the Lord's love in my life. I have learned that the more I stop to look at my blessings the more good I see around me, the more I appreciate, the more the Lord blesses me with and the more my heart expands.

The Lord's love has been manifest to me in so many ways, but is not limited to:
Jason. Really there is no way to sufficiently thank the Lord or even try to articulate the blessing he is in my life. I never knew that love like this existed. He treats me with such kindness and listens with such sincerity. He has the same desire to love and serve God, he makes it easier to feel joy and peace and happiness. He makes it easier to run fast and do good, but he also helps me not to run faster than I have strength. Jason loves the Lord. He honors the priesthood. He loves and respects his mother, he values her advice, he desires her happiness. He loves and looks up to his father, many of my fears about marriage and family subside as I see the way he emulates the life of his father. He is very sensitive to my needs. One day when I missed my brother he just held me and told me it was ok to cry--no ones ever done that before. We don't have to spend money or have some elaborate and expensive date to enjoy each others company. I can be exactly who I am when I am with him--he thinks I am beautiful just the way I am. We have AMAZING communication skills with each other, he'll let me know what he needs and I really try my best to meet them. He values me as a woman, he appreciates my love for God and my family and for my nieces and nephew and he loves them because I do. We share the love of misisonary work and teaching and singing and so many things. He writes in his journal too. Sometimes when he holds me or we go for a walk all the cares and concerns of the world melt into the ground and away from my mind. He is sincere in listening and speaking, he doesn't use vulgar language, when i read the talk from Elder Scott in priesthood session of the October General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I thought of Jason. He personifies the attributes of Godliness and the characteristics spoken of in D&C 121. We can council and plan and work together--I can't wait for companionship study and the temple together and so many things! He has the light of Christ in his eyes and I understand better the Love of God as I come to better know and love and serve him. We had our first FHE--I guess it is like a pre-FHE--but Jason works Monday nights and can't make it to the ward one--we read the proclamation to the World on the Family and spoke of goals and ideals and the things we want to incorporate into our family. We can talk. In person--that's my favorite :) on the phone--on roadtrips--the one to Colorado wasn't long enough--we didn't turn the music on the whole way there--and maybe minutes on the way back but turned it off to enjoy better conversation. We don't want to go into debt--we want to keep things simple. He loves me despite my flaws and family of origin things--and often times I think even more because of them--because of the choices I have made and the strength that has resulted. We don't expect each other to be perfect. It is a HUGE leap of faith for us to get married and we are both equally yoked and willing to whole-heartedly work toward the ideal marriage and family. He appreciates my attention to detail and the little things I do for him--I CAN'T WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS--and for thoughtful gifts I know he'll love.
*The blessing of loving someone. I love to serve and express love and appreciation and admiration for Jason. Having a prayer in my heart each day that the Lord will help me to be sensitive to his needs, to know how I can love better and serve him and sacrifice and meet his needs. It is such a wonderful gift to receive impressions about how I can improve, that he may be hungry, or just to do something sweet. I have a lot to learn about expressing love--but someone once told me that if you love someone find a way to go out of your way at least once a day to express that love. I have found that as I do--that love expands--I see more ways I can ease his work load, whether it be helping with laundry, giving him the day to study, just massaging his shoulders or a nice note. It is like a love that has existed within my soul now has someone to love fully and care for and help in anyway I can--everything I learned loving and serving companions and roommates and family has taught me line upon line all the things I needed to now be learning like rapid fire.
*The constant companionship of the Holy Ghost.
–adjective
1. not changing or varying; uniform; regular; invariable: All conditions during the three experiments were constant.
2. continuing without pause or letup; unceasing: constant noise.
3. regularly recurrent; continual; persistent: He found it impossible to work with constant interruption.
4. faithful; unswerving in love, devotion, etc.: a constant lover.
5. steadfast; firm in mind or purpose; resolute.
6. Obsolete. certain; confident.

"Continuing without pause or letup" I don't think I have ever fully trusted in or lived up to the promise that the Holy Ghost can be my constant companion. I don't think I fully understand or appreciate it now--but now more than ever I am aware that I know very little. I am not capable of loving and learning and working and serving and doing all that is expected of me and I would fall flat on my face right now were it not for that constant companionship--which is enhanced so much with Jason in my life--someone else who is trying to live up to those blessings and promises as well and makes it easier to do so.

*Having the spirit of the Lord in my home
*A wonderful mission companion and friend who helped me and talked with me and just loved me today
*finding a parking place at the Mall
*finding 7$ in an old book
*a wonderful dinner date with Jase last night
*Peace
*the ability to sing again
*my cough going away
and good health in general--it is such a gift to have the energy to run for an hour--the endorphins it gives me and the way it clears my head and allows me to see clearly the blessings of the Lord and to prioritize
*a mother who has helped me everyday since I decided to get married--who has literally lost herself in my rushed wedding plans, spreadsheets and phone calls and family friends and dress shopping and bringing me and Jason dinner and driving to Provo when I just needed her friendship, and helping me plan things I never even would have thought about, and who has put away money to help me with a wedding that I never would have asked her to do,who wants me to be happy and feel beautiful on my wedding day and who makes great sacrifices for me, and who tried to find anyway to get my brother's kids out here for our wedding.
*A sister in law who loves me and through an engagement party for me and Jason and it was beautiful. She is a great cook and doesn't really even like to cook and made the most amazing 10 course mean(or so it seems) on silver and crystal and just welcomed Jason into the family, and is very happy for us.
*In-laws who are wonderful! I have never really seen a dad treat his family the way Bruce does--he just loves. He gives you a hug and tells you he loves you and listens and offers advice, or rubs your shoulders, or changes clothes late at night to offer a child a blessing, who checked the weather for us before we left and showed me family pictures and great vacation photos and just listened to who I was and truly cared, who loves and serves hundreds of people hour upon hour each week.
And Leslie who offers to take charge of the whole Colorado open house and who offers us advice and tells us things that worked well in their wedding and suggests things we may want to do differently, who gets so little sleep and then gets up early and makes a huge breakfast for everyone and then before the breakfast is even over is preparing Sunday dinner to cook. Who has 3 kinds of homemade cookies in the cookie jar, who takes pictures of all the kids lovingly wrestling and tickling each other, who has everything so organized and in it's place that the home functions so smoothly--I love the kitchen and helping and cooking and I couldn't even help without getting in the way things were so efficiently under way, she'd do anything for us, helping us with a crazy fast wedding and probably hoping we'd date for a year--but still trusting us and loving us offering her assistance, she has loved the man I am marrying all these years and helped him with so many things and continues to, and is an amazing cook! Honestly as good as my mom's cooking--and you know that is not something I throw out lightly if you know me at all!
Scott--the funnest one to scare and tease Jase with--Had an absolute blast with him. He just has a way of making you feel at ease and making you laugh and welcoming you to the family. And his wonderful wife Cortney--seriously a doll! I was so scared I didn't even want to go to Colorado--what if I fell short--what if they didn't like me? And not even knowing me--she sends me these sweet and inspired notes that calmed all my fears about meeting them and being accepted. I had wanted to add her as a friend on facebook but didn't know if it was weird--not she totally beat me to it--one of the most thoughtful people I have ever met.
Then there is Brett--I so love Brett--one of best hearted guys ever (I think it runs in the greatest family anyone could ever hope to marry into!) Who showed me hilarious youtube videos that made my stomach hurt from laughing--who might want to come across as a little rough around the edges but is so not (sorry Brett :) And who hides a bit of his sincere soul behind a little bit of long hair. Who didn't complain once even though he was in blinding pain from a car accident only weeks prior.
AND Kellie--Everyone in the world would be lucky to have the welcome hugs and screams and love that Kell offers at first chance--so loving--so accepting--so much energy and light and fun! I loved her from the very beginning and when we left I really didn't want to say good-bye to her!
AND (I know you are not going to believe all these amazing blessings are real, or that in-laws really are so phenomenal...BUT it's true!)
Grandma & Grandpa Hammond are so wonderful! They just absorbed me into the family, tickling us and teasing us and making me blush at dinner ;) They made a wonderful salad, and talked about all the wonderful things about their beloved grandson Jason, and took pictures of us and blogged about us and are coming all the way over from Colorado to seal us in the temple 2 days after Christmas! And who have Christmas Eve at their house :) I have missed the loved of grandparents, some of my favorite parts of my life were memories of cutting and decorating a Christmas tree for my great grandma B, she died when I was 9. I think of her often and make her authentic Swiss foods to share with Jase. I love my Grandma and Grandpa Fisher--the spirit was attached to my Grandpas tear ducts ;) I think of him when I get up crazy early and get lots accomplished in a day, he died when I was 14, and his sweet little Red, followed after when I 20. She lived with while she was really sick and some of my fondest memories are with her. She left me her mothers diamond that survived the great depression and it has symbolized so many of the losses the Lord has helped me to endure--they left a legacy of love for me to enjoy and the Hammond's remind me of that living love.
*the 3 pennies at the mall
*Jenna who was so helpful at Eternity Bridal
*all the sweet posts and emails from people that love me and Jason
*the blessing of the wedding dinner
*the impression to go to Southwest
*the thought to email an old friend who has moved away and express my love
*the Bare Essentials artist who offered to do my makeup for engagement and bridals and wedding for free
*Sipping lemonade
*a clean apartment (we had cleaning checks and all my roommates helped clean--it is so wonderful!
*Rebecca offering to fix my Disneyland mug that got broken
*Seeing Kim and a wonderful bridal shower!
*Suzy offering to help with wedding plans and dress shopping
*Offers for and people throwing bridal showers in Provo and Bountiful
*Jeri helping me with DOPL stuff for my business--ahh the joys of owning your own business
*inspired and loving visiting teachers who made major sacrifices to come tonight and who testified of celestial marriage
*the blessing of the temple--working and being a patron there!
*an offer to settle the auto-ped accident from when I got hit by a truck jogging that came today!
*Jason's hookup with married student housing
*finding $20 from a client payment in my scriptures
*the carriage notion
*registering for classes
*a kiss goodnight from the one I love
*a loving and inspired bishop who will counsel and guide and lead and love us.
*Bro. Mac in Florida who continually offers advice and reality checks and guidance
*Christianne :) [don't worry these are in no particular order]
*the power of the priesthood
*the ability to see the good in life and to laugh and to skip and to dance and to sing
*mission memories and sweet conversations with loved ones
*Getting through November 18th better than last year
*healing and being ok in my heart that Sydney, Stockton and Samantha can't come to my wedding
*the perfect engagement ring that I would have picked out myself--but Jason picked it out all on his own
*the lesson in RS/Stake conference where they said--now hypothetically you are engaged in a very serious relationship and moving toward marriage and would like to counsel with your loving Father in Heaven--these are the things he would say to you as his daughter--He knows me. He knows that part of my heart that has always longed to be loved and guided and taught by a father here on Earth--and as ALWAYS he makes up the difference, places people in my life to love and help and teach me all that I need to learn and grow and become more like him--Thank you Heavenly Father!
*for a fiance who has kept his life free from the filth and impurities of the world and who's touch is gentle and affectionate and not abusive or abrasive.
*for a shared desire we have to share the gospel with others
*for repentance--when I am prideful or stupid I get a chance to get down on my knees and ask the Lord to help me do better and be better and to apologize to He and Jason alike and then to change my course of action, better admit when I am wrong, ask for forgiveness and then seek to replace my ignorance or pride, or even just lack of knowledge with the light and truth the Lord has again placed on the Earth.
*for good friends from every phase of my life
*for the sunshine! It just makes me happy.
*For clients and the ability and energy to work
*that my cough has gone away and my health improved
*for good insurance
*both Jase and I having T-mobile so we can switch to the same plan without cancelling one of our plans and paying defaults
*bring a friend to the gym free days :)
*Obedience!
*following those impressions to move in August--what if either of us had ignored them?
*The engaged couples stake fireside
*Jason's mentor papers, and getting his assignments in on time last night :)
*making homemade hot fudge and ice cream for him last night!
*Andrea! Sharing her feelings about good friends! AND the talk from conference in May about the woman who touched the hem of the Savior.
*Offering to help with Brooke's bridal shower
*helping and having the right size clothes from SMC to help with the sub for Santa today and realizing there is so much more than my wedding to worry about and looking beyond myself
*gas prices going down & good gas mielage
*milk
*the windows of heaven opening
*the opportunity to pay tithes and offerings
*the vision of clients and setting goals as in PMG
*greater faith in the Lord
*sleep...

Oh sleep does sound nice ;)
There are so many more people and things to appreciate in my life--and I will continue to recognize the hand of the Lord in my life--Thank You!!!

Goin' to the Temple!!!

That's right... Jason and I are getting married!!! Official as of November 13th :) So many great stories to come--the proposal, how we met, all the wonderful works in progress, our blog (needing badly to be updated) http://jaseandash.blogspot.com, our wedding website: http://www.weddingwire.com/wedding/UserViewWebsite?wid=01c6f6fcb5aae1a6 and oh so much more!!!

A Very Happy Halloween!!!

I mean seriously who doesn't want to go out with Jason Bourne?!? I know..I won't rub it in any more :) I guess he's more the combination of Joseph Smith and Jason Bourne--> great faith without all Bourne's mental issues ;)And yes... you can all be shocked that I went completely against my nature and went as a ski bum... It really was a phenomenal night, a barn dance, roasting marshmallows, a hay ride, an overall wonderful night!!!

Today I Met the Prophet of God!!!

So I woke up and felt like I'd been hit by a truck... and believe me... I know what that feels like (in 2006 I was hit by a truck while jogging). You know when you haven't felt well for a while but you 'don't have time to be sick...' that's been me my whole final semester of massage school. With graduation last week and spending every minute free with Jason... I shouldn't really be surprised that it hit me like a brick wall.

I decided I'd "just be fine and get over it" but I felt impressed to go to the doctor. If you know my doc, you know that he is always scheduled at least 2 weeks out. Again, the impression to call and make an appointment--so I did. She literally had just gotten off the phone with someone who cancelled a physical for 12:00p today. I had 90 minutes to make a 60 minute drive :) God is so good to me! So I go in, only to find I have a sinus infection that has spread up into my ears and down into my lungs and that with time it only would have gotten worse.

Realizing that I really didn't feel good, and feeling justified in taking it a little easier than my normal 200% I went to my mom's house to rest. After an hour or so I started the drive back to Provo, and as I was driving down the street, I had the feeling to go to Mrs. Cavanaugh's. It's a chocolate store... hardly essential... I brushed the feeling aside. Again the feeling to go to Cavanaugh's--thinking maybe Jason hadn't ever tried them...? They are kind of a locals thing... So I flipped a U-turn on 500 South, and went back. When I walked in there was a man at the counter ordering chocolates, all in light... mindy mint, caramel, opera, lemon, orange etc. It caught my attention because they are the same ones loved by my family. It was then I noticed I was standing beside Thomas S. Monson President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Whoa. I didn't want to be one of those crazy stalkers who prevents important people from ever living a normal life, or buying chocolates in peace... so I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I may shake his hand. He said, sure, so long as I'm not buying chocolates ;) I was more than a little embarrassed when the young girl helping me cut in to use the register in front of Pres. Monson, I encouraged them to help him first--thinking--here is a man, called of God to preside over Christ;s church--I should not hold him up at all! I think he noticed I felt that when I tried to insist they ring him up first--he politely and humorously reminded me that it didn't matter so long as he paid for them. Purchasing a few chocolates, I started the drive home once again.

This time as I got in my car I paid better attention to the music I had on--it was a hymn--I am a Child of God. I thought about the fact that I had the privilege of shaking the hand of the prophet. A prophet is the one who stands at the head of the church and represents Jesus Christ with all the keys necessary to orchestrate His mind and will on the Earth. It was one of those great reminders that God is aware of each one of us, that His gospel is again on the Earth just as it was when Christ himself ministered to the people anciently. As he shook my hand and looked into my eyes, I wondered if my life was ready for inspection by God? What more can I be doing? How can I improve? Are there things in my life that I need to change? I can honeslty say that I am doing all that I can, I am not perfect--but I repent when I fall short. I could give an honest accounting for my life today. I rejoiced that I didn't have to get in my car and change the music, or that I hadn't wished to quickly change what I was wearing. It filled my heart with peace and happiness to see an emissary of the Lord Jesus Christ today. I look forward to the day when Jesus Christ will again be on the Earth.

It wasn't a matter of life or death that I follow the impression to go to Cavanaugh's, but because I heeded those feelings, my life was benefited greatly--I was given the chance to reflect and ponder on the things most important in my life. It caused a great deal of introspection, and I am better because of it. I love that as I follow the impressions of the spirit, those feelings that lead me to do good, to love, to serve, to obey, that God always blesses me far beyond my current comprehension.