Sometimes I Wish God Didn't Trust Me So Much...

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." --Mother Teresa.

By no means do I call myself Mother Teresa, or even assert that we stand in the same forum, but the aforementioned quote & some experiences from today caused me to think as I attempted to fall asleep & as is typical when I think--I toss & turn & sleep escapes me until I do something about the thoughts running rampant through my mind...

Today was not a good day. I was frustrated by the actions of a loved one--and just plain saddened feeling the void where once love & trust flourished in my relationship with Jason, & I now understand how it feels to have loved, trusted, invested, dreamt--and lost. All due to the agency, and I assert: fear, of another.

BUT--I know from experience that the greatest thing I can do when I want to pull my covers over my head and isolate--is to get up, hit my knees & then with my feet in solid footing & trust unwaveringly placed in Jesus Christ--go to work. Or, as the day may have it--go to church. AND today, church felt like work. Smiling, accepting social engagements, dates & working through painful memories--deciding how to move forward, deciding that because love is a choice--I choose to no longer love him--not in a malicious way--but in a way that frees myself from the bondage of a now an unhealthy relationship.

It has always been hard for me to let go of those I love--whether their choices be good or bad--whether it be from a parental divorce, a familial suicide, addiction--many of the experiences in my life have reinforced the destructive thinking that "if I'm better it would be different." But in this case in particular--that is purely fallacious. And I refuse to let it draw upon my past, or elicit feelings of failure. God knows me, He loves me, He has a plan for me & apparently He trusts me--far more than I would like at times.

Feeling the effects of a highly emotional day--I returned from church just wanting to climb in bed--but--with an impression to get on facebook--yes--once again--the faceless mechanism proves useful, the blessed opposition of all things. There was a message from someone I don't know in a region of the world I'd never even heard of (I will change the name to protect the identity the individual.) The message was as follows:

'hi sorry to bother you but what is the latter day saints all about and what is the meaning and what does it entail etc if you have time please write back with some information thanks x'

I'll be honest--I pray daily that the Lord will fulfil his promise in Preach My Gospel and lead me to those ready for the truth, or lead them to me--and He does. But today? Of all days? Can't I just have a crappy day? Can't I cry over broken promises & halted dreams? Can't my heart just be broken?

Of course it can be--that is what God asks: that we offer a broken heart & a contrite spirit. My heart has never been so broken. And from the ME origin contrite: worn down; crushed. My soul has never been so crushed. But how can this be a good thing? How can this be requisite to life eternal? Why is it that whom God loveth, He chasteneth? He knows my capacity to endure. He knows my potential? He knows my desire & ability to serve Him, but do I?

[From my personal study yesterday, 2 Nephi 2:6-8 "Wherefore, redemption cometh in & through the Holy Messiah; for he is full of grace & truth. Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all who have a broken heart & a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered. Wherefore, how great the importance to make these things known unto the inhabitants of the Earth..."]

As I looked at this individuals profile before responding, feelings of selfishness, betrayal & pain left as my aching soul became atuned to the needs of another. As I read the bits shared by this person & the enduring trials suffered--seeing his/her desire to know truth--I forgot about my pain and I longed for another to know the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, in which I have found hope in Christ.

"Wherefore, whoso beleiveth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."

I thought back to when I was 18 years old & my best friend asked if I knew that God loved me. I didn't know? I didn't know God. I had created from the father in my life a God that was a hard handed & punitive, a God who out of neglect or oversight allowed us to suffer. How else does a child understand that God can love them, and allow abuse, tragedy or heartache?

Through the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. That teaches God's unending & perfect love for us. It illustrates agency, or the capacity God has given that we might think & act for ourselves, it depicts opposition in all things that we might know joy & sorrow alike--but that with that frame of reference & increased understanding we might choose the better part. That through our actions, we may learn, grow & return to live with our Father in Heaven. I ultimately desire to be like my Heavenly Father & His son Jesus Christ--knowing that Christ suffered all things--I do not expect a life of ease & complacency to pave my way back home; rather, as I have learned--as I take a few steps along the path my Savior walked, I learn to help another, and in so doing I learn of Him.

I know that God lives. That Jesus Christ is my Savior, my Redeemer, my Counselor, my example, my older brother, & my best friend. Through His life, death, & teachings I can overcome all my weaknesses, even sin & death & live with all those I love who choose to do the same--in the presence of God--to enjoy never-ending happiness--and I know God will fulfill these promises.


****************************************************************
And... if you're interested in my response, it was not the above late night ramble. A few things have been changed to protect anonymity:

Hi,

No bother at all.
I am actually just returning home from Sunday church meetings and had kind of a rough morning, so the chance to focus on something good and share it with you is very welcome--thank you.

Your questions make me smile because I remember wondering those same things not too many years ago when my life had no direction, I didn't know which way was up and i really felt overwhelmed by depression, anxiety & loss. A friends mother suggested I read the Book of Mormon & told me that if I lived by it's teachings I would be happy--and she was right--I still have some rough times--but in general my life is entirely different because of the teachings of Jesus Christ I found in that book, that also confirmed those in the Bible, and that let me know that God loves me as much as he did the people anciently.

Are you Christian? Any religious beliefs? Any particular reason you are wondering about the latter-day saints? [you don't have to answer any of those unless you want to, just trying to get to know you & where you are coming from.]

It is called the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--because it is Christ's church just as when he was on the Earth, only it has been re-established later, ie the latter-days.

The main belief is that God loves us, and is aware of us, even as our father in heaven, that he knew life would be hard but that we would learn and grown & gain a body by coming here--so not wanting us to fail or give up--He provided Jesus Christ to be our Savior, example & to establish a church to provide hope, guidance, and the power to overcome sin, death, discouragement & even depression. That through faith, prayer, repentance, baptism, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring in faith--we can return to live with God again & find peace & happiness along the way.

I still don't understand all these things perfectly, and I still have hard days--like today--but had I not found these truths, something to put life into perspective, I wouldn't still be alive.

The following link may be helpful as well:
http://www.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/

as well as the Book of Mormon I was telling you about:
http://scriptures.lds.org/

I invite you to read the Book of Mormon, and ask God if it is true. As you do so you will receive guidance & feel the love & awareness of God.

There are awesome church representatives that teach people full-time about these things and I am sure would love to answer your questions--and I'm always here as well.

Truthfully, this really helped me to look beyond my own hard times today and remember all the good blessings that have come into my life.

Thank you for asking.
I pray you find what you were looking for--we're all in this life to help each other.

Ashley

**************************************************************
Also altered for anonymity:

hi ashley i was just woundering about your belives as i donts really follow any religion but i feel i have lost my way in life and feel like a lost soul,

i have suffered from depression..and i am still finding hard to cope with some days i am fine and feel on top of the world and invinsable but other i feel like i just want the ground to open up and take me in i also suffer with panic attacks and anxitiy but i think that just comes with the deppression and i would just love to find my way in life feel like im being pulled back at the momment but dont know what by.

i hope you keep well thank you for your advice...i have a feeling you are an insperation to many people in your area.

****************************************************************
God is wonderful & He truly knows & loves us. He knew that I needed the opportunity to share my faith with another so as to strengthen my own convictions, to affirm His love & trust & awareness of me & in so doing help another along the way. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is joy, happiness, love & the ability to overcome all interwoven with our 'personally tailored trials' of mortality.

It reminds me of the following the lyrics by Josh Groban:

"Thankful"
"Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more

There's so much to be thankful for."