Struggling to Choose the Better Part...

Do you ever get discouraged and wonder if there is anything to life but heartbreak, the agency & painful decisions of others, sadness? Do you wonder if it's worth hanging on to the ideals because sometimes they seem so unattainable? And then... if you're like me--do you beat the crap out of yourself because you know that there are so many blessings in your life and you 'ought to be happier,' or you 'should be full of joy?' Do you ever just struggle as you strive to 'choose the better part?'

Today I just wanted to give up. To quit trying. To be the faint hearted that Obama talked about. I've learned to put on a great face & smile through heart wrenching pain--or as Gard would say--deflect peoples attention with curls. While I've learned to avoid those I can't placate with a facade--some are just so real that I couldn't maintain the smile--else they'd see the pain in my eyes...

I have increased in resilience and my ability to endure. Through Christ I have been strengthened. There are still days when I feel so much smaller than the task at hand.

I want to thrive & not simply survive. I want to find joy in all things. I want to invite others to Christ to share in that joy & eternal life.

I want to love & serve & accomplish all my goals, dreams & aspirations and help others to do the same.

My heart aches like I didn't know possible.

It was a wonderful weekend in Washington--don't get me wrong--I love everyone I saw there. Wonderful reunions, the most beautiful sealing (LDS wedding, being sealed for time & all eternity) I've ever been to. Great teaching opportunities--even to those offering me a stiff drink ;) A letter from Autumn that will always make my heart rejoice in the service I offer as a missionary--makes me so grateful to have followed the impression to 'run' that day in May...The most thoughtful message from Emma half way across the world, a truly inspired email from one of my greatest role models in Spokane, another one from someone I love very dearly there as well, one of appreciation from a friend in my ward, a text message from a friend who couldn't have known the tears I've shed today, a phone call from a friend last night who had no obligation to call--she just cared, dinner with my mom @ Scott's favorite restaurant, FHE with good people, a new baby on the way, an incredible education here @ BYU, sunshine, an impression to share part of my story at a meeting in Republic & finding out someone had lost her child to suicide & longed for resources...

For my finance class, we've been challenged to get our lives in order (not that this a new... the scriptures & prophets have extended this challenge since the begining of time...maybe I am just a little more receptive & willing now...) important documents, pictures, titles etc. I have an old laptop that is full of pictures of the last 4 years of Scott's life--I haven't touched it since he died. And I've started sorting through and backing them up, as well as important documents like the letter from President Hinckley after Scott died... things I haven't wanted to face for 2 1/2years--and it hurts. I only made it through about a quarter-->Pain.
Looking back at memories too new to be dim, and yet light years away. I look at pictures from a time when I didn't know the true meaning of loss. Such innocence, such ignorance, such an immature understanding of life and love and loss. I look back at pictures from Europe, Lake Powell, kids birthdays, Jazz games--and realize that I didn't have clue what was most important. I was so busy living my life--attending BYU, teaching in the MTC, working at Magelby's, Relief Society--and some of the memories that mean the most are the times I spent watching an NBA game or local parade with someone I love, now gone for a time.

And yes... you may think I sound like a broken record... sometimes I feel just that...broken. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland offered a talk entitled 'Broken Things to Mend" and in it he relays an invitation from Jesus Christ to, “Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going,” He says, “we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness,” He promises. “I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.” I am attempting to exercise active faith in this promise. To continue studying. To put one foot in front of the other as I strive to walk in the paths that Christ has shown & become more like Him, to cultivate greater faith, hope, charity & love.

It doesn't mean that life is easy, or that I don't struggle. It simply means that I have a frame of reference for and a desire to "choose the better part."