Apparently I give into peer pressure... or just want these posts to stop ;)
50. I want to go sky-diving
49. I'm going to publish a cookbook entitled 'Our Family Secrets"
48. I ate shrimp for the first time in the mission field
47. I never broke a rule while serving as a full-time missionary
46. I have 26 cousins on one side and one on the other
45. If I weren't LDS I would drink a glass of wine every night and soak in a hot tub... but I drink juice instead...
44. Speaking of juice... I drink out of the container... it started while serving a mission to save time & effort. Don't worry...Costco juice comes in 2's for a reason... [Yes mom, you can express your disappointment now... 3 boys and a dainty little girl, right ;)]
43. I love to write... and much like this entry--write about twice as much as I need to :) I'm a woman... what do you expect?!?
42. I love Florida & would move back in a heart beat.
41. Speeding tickets...? I have 23 warnings... but I have changed my ways...
40. I've always wanted to be just as wonderful as my 3 older brothers, they are my hero's in so many ways.
39. I danced as a sugar plum fairy in my kindergarten Christmas Program...
38. I once made 9 3-point shots in a Jr. Jazz game
37. I didn't drink milk until I was 14 years old.
36. I love Cinque Terre
35. I was at Cape Canaveral when the Challenger exploded
34. I only have 5 classes until graduation and just declared my major Friday
33. I've gone on 3 dates in one day... more than once...
32. I love to hike. Havasupai this year... I've not yet been to the Grand Canyon
31. I want to learn everything! I'd like to learn to fly fish & dance & play the piano
30. In the 9th grade my dad cut my bed into firewood with a chainsaw
29. There are about 100 more things I could follow that one with...
28. I love fresh flowers
27. I've always been afraid of finances, so I'm in a personal finance class this semester... and am doing very well
26. I've never played the wii...
25. If I could do anything...I'd be a travel photographer
24. I won the Kennedy Center's photography contest
23. I studied visual arts in Europe and would love to go back
22. When I was 7yrs old, I fell on barbed wire the night before we left for Lake Powell...I got stitches, shaved my leg & duct taped a newspaper bag to it each day so I could water ski...
21. I've had paralyzed organs
20. I swam with dolphins
19. I love to sing
18. I love to cook
17. I love cleanliness... I vacuum 6 or 7 x's/week
16. I can ski a slalom course
15. I like it hot. Hot. Humid. Beach. Sun. :)
14. I sleep with it cold so I can snuggle under lots of covers
13. I love to have my hair played with
12. my hair was short (to my ears) all through high school
11. I do yoga for an hour every morning
10. I'm writing a book
9. I once lit the gutter on fire... it was really pretty... we lived on the big steep hill on your way to the Bountiful temple...ok maybe more than once... but I only got caught once. (Kind of like the time Emily & I like fireworks in our 7th grade science class...)
8. I always wanted a curfew growing up...
7. I got voted least likely to graduate from High School in 10th grade... then spoke at graduation
6. I love books. I read 5 or 6 every month and... when I moved back from Florida...I gave away clothes to keep all my books
5. I love physical touch
4. I plan to run a marathon this year, and an Iron Man within 3 years.
3. I've skied for 23+ yrs and was invited to the "If ULLR Was a Girl" Ski Competition @ Whistler BC
2. I've been kissed by a few boys (sorry to disappoint Court... still not going to tell...)
1. I've slept in Central Park
Saturday, January 31, 2009
25 Random Things...
Posted by Ashley at 10:27 PM 0 comments
Friday, January 30, 2009
Reasons to Rejoice!
1. Olivia Jayne [I already bought her an 'Olivia' book so I really hoped for this one!]
2. sunshine
3. laughter
4. Zelig's runinwiththelawstory
5. Christianne
6. mia mamma following an impression to check in on me
7. my cousin's blog
8. discernment
9. 300 thread count sheets
10. clients
11. a really long hot shower
12. an inspired call from Lori P.
13. permission to be sad
14. telling Christi I wanted to go get a stiff drink, and not 5 minutes later--while praying a text from my friend and EQP to "try a cocktail of D&C..."
15. a text from a good friend
16. the greatest friends & VTee's ever
17. an e-mail from an old friend now back East
18. an awareness that opposition occurs to keep me from the great things on the horizon
19. yoga
20. the ability to cry--I really don't like people to see me cry--I sing & cry best in the shower
21. Brad reminding me how happy he is that his heart was ripped from his chest because now he has Abby & Mo
22. Sipping grape juice
23. meeting topic: resentment
24. Humidity
25. the Friday morning shift @ the temple
26. One of the King's Singers coming to choir tomorrow
27. so many good people in my life
28. the compassion of others
29. empathy as an outgrowthof pain
30. gratitude for things not going as I'd planned
31. humor
32. Christi's text... a slight predictive text error and the reference read: "wherefore, all those who are proud, and that do wickedly, the day that cometh shall burn them up, saith the Lord of hosts for they shall be as stubble."
33. the 'I love you stick'
34. Matt & Laurie
35. Costco fruit
36. a clean house
37. journal entries from clearer days
38. progress
39. scriptures
40. jalapeno chips
41. Sydney's little voice on my mailbox at Cherry Hill
42. clean laundry
43. simple acts of kindness
44. studying with a friend
45. being told to "hug someone. [Eat] Chocolate. Ice Cream. Cream into a pillow. watch the Office. listen to the edited version of 'she freakin hates me' in that order" by one of my guy friends.
46. knowing it's just adversity when having a bad day and certain people try to kick you while you're down... I just stepped out of the way and let him kick the wall instead.
47. Sister C coming home in 33 days
48. telling Jeff about the time Scott mistook Ben for him at a Jazz game and asked him where the gay sweater was-
49. knowing this is the only semester in my life I will have to take the classes from 2006
50. knowing that I am exactly where the Lord wants me
51. AFSP UT chapter being established with someone volunteering to chair
52. Hopes, dreams & ideals
53. Jenny wanting an angry deep tissue massage
54. the greatest ward ever
55. Tammy laughing when I told her we weren't getting married for like the 5th time
56. A message from Bishop & Sister Hunsaker
57. facing reality with authenticity
58. Obedience to D&C 42:45
59. tomorrow is a new day
60. the most comfortable bed ever
61. 'walking in circles'
62. feeling sustained by the love and prayers of those around me
63. an inspired visiting teacher
64. gas at $150/gal
65. the hand of the Lord in my life
66. Pilate's--doing the hundred without dying
67. Dr. Seuss "Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way!"
68. holding a perfect new life in my arms and seeing the love of God manifest
69. Seeing the way Brad & Abby love each other
70. the thought of going to California w/ Christi & good people for the holiday weekend in February
Posted by Ashley at 12:08 AM 2 comments
Thursday, January 29, 2009
So many great blessings this week... I almost feel guilty that I am sad and angry.
I miss Scott and I'm angry that he's not here. I haven't really felt anger yet. I've run away, been disappointed in myself, gotten lost in the service of others, felt sadness and pain, but not really experienced anger.As I raced to the hospital to see Mo on Tuesday I couldn't help but think of the day that Scott's oldest little girl was born...I stopped to buy flowers and got broadsided by a drunk driver. When I got to the hospital his wife had been in labor for so many hours (38?) and was on oxygen. He was so young, and grateful for her, and the new life he held in his arms and for each of us--that's the first time I remember Scott giving me a hug and telling me he loved me (we weren't a very affectionate family as you can tell) As we stood and looked at Mo through the nursery window--my mom commented on all the things we'd like to ask her--and how our loved ones are?
I feel really bad when I feel anger toward Scott. How can I be angry at someone who isn't here to communicate with...? I know in my head that it doesn't affect anyone but me... and that I need to keep enduring in faith... but having that written in my heart is another matter that I'm consistently working on. How does one healthily experience anger toward a loved one now gone?
I would give anything to pick up the phone and hear: "hey loser what's up?" Said with all the cynical love of an older brother. (Note: don't get any ideas. If you try this thinking you're funny--I will hunt you down and take all of my misdirected anger out on you.) It's probably good my only client this evening was sick because it may have been a real deep tissue massage with the way I feel... I'm kind of kidding and really much more able to compartmentalize my life than that.
Why do I miss Scott? If you knew Scott... you'd know this is a stupid question. It's snowmobile season. The Jazz are playing--he's not here to get warnings with the NBA for yelling at the games, he's not here to tell the players they're better on playstation--or not on playstation at all. Brad & Abby just had the most beautiful little girl--and Scott would've appreciated the 'bluish-purple, cone-headed alien looking' description Brad posted on the blog. He'd be so happy for Brad. I wish he'd met Abby. The Superbowl is coming--I'm sure he'd have a Superbowl party. He'd tell me how lame he thought Jason's actions have been--although Brad did a pretty good job of that... He told me how he thought of Jason as he cut Mo's umbilical cord...
I'm in the classes I was in the semester that Scott died--it wasn't my best semester. Within a month I got hit by a truck while jogging, stalked and Scott died.
I'll never forget the day I got hit by the truck, I'm in the hospital--internal bleeding--trying to be positive--my home-teachers are there and I make the comment that I'm glad I prayed before I ran... to which Scott replies: "if you hadn't, you'd have been 30 seconds ahead of the truck." He later sent me a text that said "you'll be ok Sammy says she loves you." [Note: Sammy was a year old and didn't talk]. Or the time my organs shut down and Scott sent me flowers with an ugly purple teddy bear and a card that said, "alright you've gotten some attention now stop faking it." You had to know Scott to understand.
It's pretty brutal to realize that when I started these classes in 2006 I had no idea what the near future held. Just busy as I'd always chosen with Relief Society, MTC, school and boys... entirely oblivious. And then it all came crashing down--more like a house of cards than a house of faith. I didn't want to face any of these feelings--so I picked a nice beach 3,000 miles away and chose the gospel.
I appreciate a friend today that just allowed me to feel, another who didn't tell me what I felt was right or wrong and another inspired to share 2 Nephi 4:26-35... And if you disagree and think I should be 'over it' or that these feelings aren't valid--take a deep breath, step back and remind yourself this is Ashley's blog and I don't have to read it...
Posted by Ashley at 4:50 PM 2 comments
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
SHE IS HERE!!!
She is beautiful!!!
7 lbs 15 oz. 20" long and a full head of hair!!!
CONGRATS BRAD, ABBY & MO!
More to come :)
Posted by Ashley at 3:34 PM 1 comments
YEA FOR NEW BABIES!!!
I love you Mo!!!
Thanks to Brad & Abby, I have a new niece who will be here in a matter of minutes!
Posted by Ashley at 1:26 PM 0 comments
Monday, January 26, 2009
"You Are What You Eat..."
From my religion in the home class, and from some applied principles of Orthodox Judaism--I am seeing many areas of my life that I am excited to improve. One that I have been working on over the past 6 weeks or so is my diet. And I don't mean a fad that isn't going to last; rather, a life-style change. I have given up refined sugar almost entirely. I still drink an occasional glass of juice, I will still eat a bite or two of something offered if declination would offend...(with the exception of my vacation to Washington!) Experiencing the LOW when I came home only reinforces my desire to live a healthier life-style. I haven't consumed carbonation for 6 or 7 years now, I have substituted wheat bread for white--with some exceptions ;) And I am trying to listen to my body better. Develop my own "law of health" if you will. After all, it was not even 5 years ago that my digestive organs stopped functioning and I couldn't hold down food at all. I am also learning that it is easier for me to cope with daily stresses, the pressures of work & school, and this silly state that rarely sees the sunshine during the winter--Sorry--I am converted to and plan on being nearer to the equator to enjoy the sunshine, humidity and beach!!! But you can all come and visit :) I also do yoga for an hour a day 5-7 days a week and am sleeping a minimum of 5 hours a night--ideally closer to 8.
I didn't agree with all the readings on the dietary regiments of Orthodox Jews; however, they have caused me to think about why I eat what I do. I have more gratitude for the food that I eat, and particularly anything that was once living.
I believe in everything in moderation and truly know that I can function better when I avoid non-nutrient dense foods and take better care of my body and mind. I made cookies to take to a ward activity last night, and was impressed that another person there didn't eat sugar--it actually shocked me--but made me see that it is possible as well!
Posted by Ashley at 4:24 PM 1 comments
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Favorite ACLU Dispute...
And so it is told, that the ACLU went after a civic leader back east for allowing a nativity scene to be put up on city property...
In his defense... he could clearly understand why they were upset--because no where in their entire organization did they have 3 wise men & a virgin.
*disclaimer: My Isaiah Professor--who also happens to be the dean of religious education @ BYU told us this...
Posted by Ashley at 8:24 PM 0 comments
Creating an "Island of time..."
Because of my religion in the home class, I have the opportunity to ponder and seek to better understand why those of other faiths do things and by extension to evaluate what I do and why.
In speaking of sabbath observance, Orthodox Jews are truly incredible. The things they do and don't do in order to preserve the sabbath. Author Greenberg says 'it is a commitment of our own choosing, one that we have lovingly made; it is the manner in which we identify ourselves" (39). She says, "there is a great deal of planning and preparation that goes into creating an island of time..."(33) And further expounds that "there are two ways to prepare oneself--spiritually and physically--the two are intertwined" (46). As a general rule, people do not phone the home of an orthodox Jew on Shabbat--the sabbath (40). "All cooking for Shabbat must be completed before sundown [the day prior]" (43). There are so many other constraints relative to light kindling and usage, travel, work etc. Those who follow all these things exhibit great devotion, which I have not really taken the time to understand until now--and many are still very foreign to me.
Wow. How do I prepare for the sabbath? I do my grocery shopping and clean my house Saturday, I don't pursue educational or vocational things on the sabbath. I don't cause anyone to work. I don't ski or recreate on Sunday. I attempt to not travel heavily on Sunday. I read the assigned readings for Sunday School & Relief Society, I have hymns playing in our home Sunday morning, and like to make breakfast or hot rolls or something. The notion of cutting out noise--the phone--and other chaos is welcomed; although, I find Sunday a wonderful to dy to talk to people from my mission or that I have had the opportunity to share the gospel with. I like to reflect and write in my journal, blog, or just be outside and meditate.
One thing that has always been hard for me to understand is, what I have perceived, an outgrowth of LDS culture, is the huge Sunday meal, lots of guests, hours preparing, many dishes etc. Maybe I am biased after serving on ward council for years and having meetings start as early as 6:30am, with a total of 9 hours of meetings some Sundays. Not to mention travel time to and from church when in Florida. Sundays can be anything but restful. I am trying t strike the balance from the mission field--where Sundy was our greatest day to reach families--they are home and together--a great day to do the Lord's work--and regenerating my spirit and body for the up-coming week. I love the idea of entertaining and having a huge dinner Saturday night--friends, missionaries, good food, and then something that slow cooks itself while at church?
How do you observe the sabbath? Rituals? Traditions? Things you've found effective or less effective?
Posted by Ashley at 11:33 AM 1 comments
I Think It's Time for Mo to Come!
Ok, so maybe I have no place in deciding that--but today would be a great day to be born if my niece were ready :)
Posted by Ashley at 9:00 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
'No Joy Without the Struggle...'
I must give credit for the title to Sis. Winder, previous Relief Society General President (The Relief Society is the largest, and oldest women's organization in the world--it's pretty amazing)
Today I felt joy--amid the struggle--and possible even because my heart has expanded in the struggle to better understand & receive joy. The BYU devotional address Sister Winder gave is amazing: http://speeches.byu.edu/index.php?act=viewitem&id=1275
So is the whole database of talks to be honest...
I appreciate so much Christianne for being true to her heart, and speaking with full integrity of heart as we shared feelings, struggles, testimony--life--today. Thank you! I am always left wanting to better understand and live the doctrines of the gospel of Jesus Christ when we talk! We read parts of 'Missionary Work & the Atonement' by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=4ba7a1615ac0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
In sharing our struggles with one another--bearing each others burden--truly listening with love & empathy & a desire for the other person to be heard and find peace--I found great strength and much needed peace.
How grateful I am to be in a dinner group of people that are constantly filling their minds with light and truth and with one question they have suggested resource one after the other--where else in the world could I find that? It just makes me want to gain as much light and understanding and knowledge I can while I am here and then go out and share it with everyone I meet. Do you realize the potential for good there is? If we each impact only one person for good today? and tomorrow? If we help even one person in his or her struggle through life--and we are strengthen as a result? Better enabled to do even more good? The notion of greatness that can and will come as a result of attaining an education by study & also by faith--the possibilities are endless! I love studying here at BYU!
I'm also so thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ to be on the Earth just as it was when Christ ministered to the people in Jerusalem. With that structure come the keys and authority of God, the 'priesthood.' God loves me just as much as He loves the people that He blessed and ministered to while in the flesh, and those his apostles ministered to, through the power of the priesthood my life has been blessed, I have received guidance, direction and strength as I sought divine assistance in faith. Just as James directs (ch 5) to call upon the elders of the church--and be blessed. The elders of the church are assigned as 'home teachers' which I think is very appropriate because if Jesus Christ himself were here today, I like to think he would be in the homes of each person checking to see how they are doing, and if they are in need of anything; after all, Christ spent his entire mortal ministry blessing, healing, teaching and serving. It is nice to know that tonight, in Provo Utah I could call on the elders of the church and they can act as instruments in the hands of God to bless my life. It was so apparent to me that they were just the instrument--not that I minimize their role--just like any good instrument, they need to be in good condition, fine-tuned and 'worthy.' How grateful I am that there are men in the world that live in such a way they can bless the lives of others--thank you!
More links to fantastic talks to come...but for now... sleep!
Yoga will come early at 5 :)
Posted by Ashley at 11:32 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
So Many Blessings!
So many of the blessings in my life are the people: Mia Mamma, Brabby, Laurel, Matt, Christi, Sydney, Stockton, Samantha, Mo, Connie, Autumn, Zach, Joyce, Joe, Kim, Steph, Rebecca, Lindsey, Brian, Michelle, Melissa(2), Brooke, Dave, Cassia, Max, Kristina, Lisa, Debbie, Jeff, Shannon, Tamara, Lorilee, Jenny, Emma, Gard, Staiger, Coleman, Rhodehouse, Morgan, Jessica, Michelle, Bishop, Pres & Sis. Ludlow, Gene & Elena, Sally & Fam, Angelos, Macs, Lakes, Savianos, Diana, Gimena, Alaina, Jordan, Silvia, Becky, Nikki, Allicia, Gayle, Dona, Jeri, Lori, people in every area I served as a full-time missionary, place I lived in Florida & Europe, every ward I've served in, kindred on both sides of the veil--And there are many more--these are just the ones that in one way or another made an impact on my life today :) Thank you.
Posted by Ashley at 11:05 PM 0 comments
Struggling to Choose the Better Part...
Do you ever get discouraged and wonder if there is anything to life but heartbreak, the agency & painful decisions of others, sadness? Do you wonder if it's worth hanging on to the ideals because sometimes they seem so unattainable? And then... if you're like me--do you beat the crap out of yourself because you know that there are so many blessings in your life and you 'ought to be happier,' or you 'should be full of joy?' Do you ever just struggle as you strive to 'choose the better part?'
Today I just wanted to give up. To quit trying. To be the faint hearted that Obama talked about. I've learned to put on a great face & smile through heart wrenching pain--or as Gard would say--deflect peoples attention with curls. While I've learned to avoid those I can't placate with a facade--some are just so real that I couldn't maintain the smile--else they'd see the pain in my eyes...
I have increased in resilience and my ability to endure. Through Christ I have been strengthened. There are still days when I feel so much smaller than the task at hand.
I want to thrive & not simply survive. I want to find joy in all things. I want to invite others to Christ to share in that joy & eternal life.
I want to love & serve & accomplish all my goals, dreams & aspirations and help others to do the same.
My heart aches like I didn't know possible.
It was a wonderful weekend in Washington--don't get me wrong--I love everyone I saw there. Wonderful reunions, the most beautiful sealing (LDS wedding, being sealed for time & all eternity) I've ever been to. Great teaching opportunities--even to those offering me a stiff drink ;) A letter from Autumn that will always make my heart rejoice in the service I offer as a missionary--makes me so grateful to have followed the impression to 'run' that day in May...The most thoughtful message from Emma half way across the world, a truly inspired email from one of my greatest role models in Spokane, another one from someone I love very dearly there as well, one of appreciation from a friend in my ward, a text message from a friend who couldn't have known the tears I've shed today, a phone call from a friend last night who had no obligation to call--she just cared, dinner with my mom @ Scott's favorite restaurant, FHE with good people, a new baby on the way, an incredible education here @ BYU, sunshine, an impression to share part of my story at a meeting in Republic & finding out someone had lost her child to suicide & longed for resources...
For my finance class, we've been challenged to get our lives in order (not that this a new... the scriptures & prophets have extended this challenge since the begining of time...maybe I am just a little more receptive & willing now...) important documents, pictures, titles etc. I have an old laptop that is full of pictures of the last 4 years of Scott's life--I haven't touched it since he died. And I've started sorting through and backing them up, as well as important documents like the letter from President Hinckley after Scott died... things I haven't wanted to face for 2 1/2years--and it hurts. I only made it through about a quarter-->Pain.
Looking back at memories too new to be dim, and yet light years away. I look at pictures from a time when I didn't know the true meaning of loss. Such innocence, such ignorance, such an immature understanding of life and love and loss. I look back at pictures from Europe, Lake Powell, kids birthdays, Jazz games--and realize that I didn't have clue what was most important. I was so busy living my life--attending BYU, teaching in the MTC, working at Magelby's, Relief Society--and some of the memories that mean the most are the times I spent watching an NBA game or local parade with someone I love, now gone for a time.
And yes... you may think I sound like a broken record... sometimes I feel just that...broken. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland offered a talk entitled 'Broken Things to Mend" and in it he relays an invitation from Jesus Christ to, “Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going,” He says, “we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness,” He promises. “I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.” I am attempting to exercise active faith in this promise. To continue studying. To put one foot in front of the other as I strive to walk in the paths that Christ has shown & become more like Him, to cultivate greater faith, hope, charity & love.
It doesn't mean that life is easy, or that I don't struggle. It simply means that I have a frame of reference for and a desire to "choose the better part."
Posted by Ashley at 12:49 PM 1 comments
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Gratitude for the 'Ordinary Miracles' in My Life...
"It’s not that unusual
When everything is beautiful.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.
The sky knows when its time to snow,
Don’t need to teach a seed to grow.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.
Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday;
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own.
Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a rain drop falls,
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.
Birds in winter have their fling
But always make it home by spring.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.
When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away;
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we’re all a part
Of the ordinary miracle.
Ordinary miracle
Do you want to see a miracle?
ohh ohh ohh, ohhh ohh ohh...
It seems so exceptional
That things just work out after all.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.
Sun comes up and shines so bright
And disappears again at night.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.
ohh ohh ohh, ohh ohhh ohh...
It’s just another ordinary miracle today"
--Sarah McLachlan
Posted by Ashley at 3:07 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Emotions
"By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid & stereotyped;
by repressing them we become literal, reformatory & holier-than-thou;
when encouraged, they perfume life;
discouraged, they poison it."
--Joseph Collins
Posted by Ashley at 6:39 PM 1 comments
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
And... I love & Appreciate Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Honestly, I should be a little embarassed considering his devotional speech today was like my personal counseling/rebuke session from the Lord... Ok, maybe it just felt that way--I love the spirit of God that can carry the message into the inner sinews of my soul.
I guess you could say I tend to be quite stiffnecked at times and take the truth to be hard. Hard, yes--impossible, no. I adhered to his words of wisdom today--even though at times it felt as though my heart was going to fall from my chest, break open & bleed.
The best truly is yet to come & I need to stop living in the past & trust that the Lord has even better things in store for the future--right in front of me in fact.
Talking to Christianne last night I was looking everywhere for something in particular--and I was so frustrated looking for it--that I kept moving it as I looked deeper... A few months back I was praying for an answer from the Lord on how to move forward--and it was right in front of me (only forgotten until 2 nights ago as I prayed). AND I really used to like these mint brussel cookies (in Florida--I think everything tastes better with a beach!) And, Christi gave me some mint Milanos for Christmas--a few bags in fact--thinking I liked the other ones way better I gave her most of them and didn't even try one until tonight--it was really good. Why three random stories?!? What do they have in common? An area I can improve. Why do I get so bent on what I think I like, or the best I've tried--that I fail to try other things--with the possibility that I may like them even more?!? Why do I insist on knowing best--when sometimes I look right beyond the mark?
I am learning from the teachings of Isaih, that the Lord really does make them plain & easy to understand when filled with the spirit of prophecy--and all too often I am filled with the spirit of 'Ashley thinks she knows best..."
There are so many things that I could talk about today--but I am really tired and when my alarm goes off in 4.5 hours i will be glad that I cut this short :)
But today--like so many days the Lord's hand has been so prevelant that I don't want to overlook it.
*The Sunshine.
*Waking up without an alarm
*Yoga!
*prayer & meditation
*incredibly beautiful Mt. Timp--on the way to school breaking through the clouds!
*I am hiking it this year!
*Studying the teaching of Isaiah
*Apostasy v. Apathy: agreement w/ Bro. Terry Ball
*gratitude for Christ for fulfilling the law of Moses, & respect for the devote Jews who still live the whole law of Moses.
*BYU devotional w/ Elder Jeffrey R. Holland--WOW!
*w/ an amazing friend!
*Seeing a quality old friend who shares my passion to study in the Holy Land.
*Walking on the bridge from campus & knowing I have a reason to be here--but wondering how many people were simply going through the motions because everyone around them was moving...
*Having the conviction to protect my heart from mistreatment
*The feeling that the opposition is the strongest to keep me from moving forward because the Lord is going to bless beyond what I can now imagine--& already is!
*Having my eyes opened to the way things really are
*Cooking a good meal :) I love to cook!
*"I don't think there are any people left here that are as old as we are..." :O
*a message from a good friend from 10,000+ miles away
*Costco & back--in 35 minutes
*dinner group with wonderful people--who were so appreciative! Love them!
*Melissa's dry sense of humor coupled with her very sincere heart!
*Cran Raspberry juice--I love a glass of juice @ the end of a long day :)
--Would that make me a wannabe wine drinker..? Nah...I'll take the juice.
*A holiday next Monday--spent with people I love SO much!
*very understanding clients & friends!
*Studying!
*Studying finance--it goes in a category all it's own--but i'm actually grasping it, applying it, loving it, and changing as a result of what I'm learning!
*Allowing the Lord to make weak things strong by study & also by faith
*The invitation to sing w/a good friend @ a banquet
*The invitation to sing in church--ahh careful what apportunities you ask for
-->it's that 'Costco sized bottle of self-confidence' again!
*moving forward without looking back
*a good roommate & friend willing to listen after a long day
*The opportunity to visit my mission & attend a best friend's sealing--shh don't tell her :) it's a surprise.
*Sharing the gospel with a friend
*the imagery of Brian throwing dry erase markers--still in shock :)
*"it's because I have a Y chromosome..."
*just laughing & unwinding after a REALLY long day.
*Mint Milanos from Christi--and I think I even like 'em--whoa!
*pure joy at the thought of Brad & Abby having a baby this week!
*my niece emailing me throughout the week--she just got her own email address--she is SO smart!
*AND my amazingly inviting bed--compliments of mia Mamma & Brabby's awesome Christmas gifts! Thanks guys :) Love you all!
There are so many more--but I am going to crash!
Posted by Ashley at 1:18 PM 4 comments
'Turning the Hearts of the Fathers to the Children..."
"In which [ways do] religious beliefs, practices, and community support help turn the hearts of fathers to their children?
An interesting thought to ponder as I seek to better understand God as my Heavenly Father, as I contemplate the effects of family of origin in my life, and decide how I will move forward in my own life. (An aside: I also have the blessing of watching my brother become a father this week, and remembering the joys of watching Scott love his children.)
I appreciate that Dollahite likens this dichotomy to Dickens' "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." which goes on to say "it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief..."
"for a substantial minority of Americans, religion is reportedly “the single most important influence in [life]... people who attend worship services more than once a week live 7.6 years longer than non attenders...Since religious involvement affects mental and physical health in measurable ways, might it not also affect relational health—particularly family relationships?" Dollahite works with the following beliefs" (a) a child is a gift from heaven, (b) fathers are accountable to God, and (c) fathering should reflect God and His attributes." Dollahite goes on to say "faith community involvement is more than nominal affiliation with a religious group or what some participants called “pew warming” (e.g., occasional attendance with minimal contribution to the faith community). [*interesting correlation to devotional thought--going through the motions...walking across the bridge with Jordan from the BYU devotional w/ Elder Jeffery R. Holland.]
And a few random thoughts:
"There’s a term in Judaism called tikkun olam. Loosely translated, it means to heal the world."
Regarding teaching children: "they teach us more than we teach them"
"Prayer in Arabic is called salah. What does salah mean? It means connection;
it is your time to connect with God."
A Challenge: "We need a vision of how to establish deep, generative, sacred relationships with our children and those of their generation, particularly
those who lack involved fathers."
"Faith points a different direction than [selfishness and “the world”]. Faith
gives you the patience to spend the time and the energy [your child needs] . . . and a lot of that is one-on-one time. Faith drives you to be involved [with your child] and [to] live outside yourself, to live beyond yourself.
In other words, faith turns the heart of the father to his child."
What do you think? What role do religious belief, practices & community involvement have in turning the hearts of the children to their fathers?
Posted by Ashley at 12:34 PM 1 comments
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sometimes I Wish God Didn't Trust Me So Much...
"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." --Mother Teresa.
By no means do I call myself Mother Teresa, or even assert that we stand in the same forum, but the aforementioned quote & some experiences from today caused me to think as I attempted to fall asleep & as is typical when I think--I toss & turn & sleep escapes me until I do something about the thoughts running rampant through my mind...
Today was not a good day. I was frustrated by the actions of a loved one--and just plain saddened feeling the void where once love & trust flourished in my relationship with Jason, & I now understand how it feels to have loved, trusted, invested, dreamt--and lost. All due to the agency, and I assert: fear, of another.
BUT--I know from experience that the greatest thing I can do when I want to pull my covers over my head and isolate--is to get up, hit my knees & then with my feet in solid footing & trust unwaveringly placed in Jesus Christ--go to work. Or, as the day may have it--go to church. AND today, church felt like work. Smiling, accepting social engagements, dates & working through painful memories--deciding how to move forward, deciding that because love is a choice--I choose to no longer love him--not in a malicious way--but in a way that frees myself from the bondage of a now an unhealthy relationship.
It has always been hard for me to let go of those I love--whether their choices be good or bad--whether it be from a parental divorce, a familial suicide, addiction--many of the experiences in my life have reinforced the destructive thinking that "if I'm better it would be different." But in this case in particular--that is purely fallacious. And I refuse to let it draw upon my past, or elicit feelings of failure. God knows me, He loves me, He has a plan for me & apparently He trusts me--far more than I would like at times.
Feeling the effects of a highly emotional day--I returned from church just wanting to climb in bed--but--with an impression to get on facebook--yes--once again--the faceless mechanism proves useful, the blessed opposition of all things. There was a message from someone I don't know in a region of the world I'd never even heard of (I will change the name to protect the identity the individual.) The message was as follows:
'hi sorry to bother you but what is the latter day saints all about and what is the meaning and what does it entail etc if you have time please write back with some information thanks x'
I'll be honest--I pray daily that the Lord will fulfil his promise in Preach My Gospel and lead me to those ready for the truth, or lead them to me--and He does. But today? Of all days? Can't I just have a crappy day? Can't I cry over broken promises & halted dreams? Can't my heart just be broken?
Of course it can be--that is what God asks: that we offer a broken heart & a contrite spirit. My heart has never been so broken. And from the ME origin contrite: worn down; crushed. My soul has never been so crushed. But how can this be a good thing? How can this be requisite to life eternal? Why is it that whom God loveth, He chasteneth? He knows my capacity to endure. He knows my potential? He knows my desire & ability to serve Him, but do I?
[From my personal study yesterday, 2 Nephi 2:6-8 "Wherefore, redemption cometh in & through the Holy Messiah; for he is full of grace & truth. Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all who have a broken heart & a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered. Wherefore, how great the importance to make these things known unto the inhabitants of the Earth..."]
As I looked at this individuals profile before responding, feelings of selfishness, betrayal & pain left as my aching soul became atuned to the needs of another. As I read the bits shared by this person & the enduring trials suffered--seeing his/her desire to know truth--I forgot about my pain and I longed for another to know the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, in which I have found hope in Christ.
"Wherefore, whoso beleiveth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."
I thought back to when I was 18 years old & my best friend asked if I knew that God loved me. I didn't know? I didn't know God. I had created from the father in my life a God that was a hard handed & punitive, a God who out of neglect or oversight allowed us to suffer. How else does a child understand that God can love them, and allow abuse, tragedy or heartache?
Through the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. That teaches God's unending & perfect love for us. It illustrates agency, or the capacity God has given that we might think & act for ourselves, it depicts opposition in all things that we might know joy & sorrow alike--but that with that frame of reference & increased understanding we might choose the better part. That through our actions, we may learn, grow & return to live with our Father in Heaven. I ultimately desire to be like my Heavenly Father & His son Jesus Christ--knowing that Christ suffered all things--I do not expect a life of ease & complacency to pave my way back home; rather, as I have learned--as I take a few steps along the path my Savior walked, I learn to help another, and in so doing I learn of Him.
I know that God lives. That Jesus Christ is my Savior, my Redeemer, my Counselor, my example, my older brother, & my best friend. Through His life, death, & teachings I can overcome all my weaknesses, even sin & death & live with all those I love who choose to do the same--in the presence of God--to enjoy never-ending happiness--and I know God will fulfill these promises.
****************************************************************
And... if you're interested in my response, it was not the above late night ramble. A few things have been changed to protect anonymity:
Hi,
No bother at all.
I am actually just returning home from Sunday church meetings and had kind of a rough morning, so the chance to focus on something good and share it with you is very welcome--thank you.
Your questions make me smile because I remember wondering those same things not too many years ago when my life had no direction, I didn't know which way was up and i really felt overwhelmed by depression, anxiety & loss. A friends mother suggested I read the Book of Mormon & told me that if I lived by it's teachings I would be happy--and she was right--I still have some rough times--but in general my life is entirely different because of the teachings of Jesus Christ I found in that book, that also confirmed those in the Bible, and that let me know that God loves me as much as he did the people anciently.
Are you Christian? Any religious beliefs? Any particular reason you are wondering about the latter-day saints? [you don't have to answer any of those unless you want to, just trying to get to know you & where you are coming from.]
It is called the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--because it is Christ's church just as when he was on the Earth, only it has been re-established later, ie the latter-days.
The main belief is that God loves us, and is aware of us, even as our father in heaven, that he knew life would be hard but that we would learn and grown & gain a body by coming here--so not wanting us to fail or give up--He provided Jesus Christ to be our Savior, example & to establish a church to provide hope, guidance, and the power to overcome sin, death, discouragement & even depression. That through faith, prayer, repentance, baptism, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring in faith--we can return to live with God again & find peace & happiness along the way.
I still don't understand all these things perfectly, and I still have hard days--like today--but had I not found these truths, something to put life into perspective, I wouldn't still be alive.
The following link may be helpful as well:
http://www.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/
as well as the Book of Mormon I was telling you about:
http://scriptures.lds.org/
I invite you to read the Book of Mormon, and ask God if it is true. As you do so you will receive guidance & feel the love & awareness of God.
There are awesome church representatives that teach people full-time about these things and I am sure would love to answer your questions--and I'm always here as well.
Truthfully, this really helped me to look beyond my own hard times today and remember all the good blessings that have come into my life.
Thank you for asking.
I pray you find what you were looking for--we're all in this life to help each other.
Ashley
**************************************************************
Also altered for anonymity:
hi ashley i was just woundering about your belives as i donts really follow any religion but i feel i have lost my way in life and feel like a lost soul,
i have suffered from depression..and i am still finding hard to cope with some days i am fine and feel on top of the world and invinsable but other i feel like i just want the ground to open up and take me in i also suffer with panic attacks and anxitiy but i think that just comes with the deppression and i would just love to find my way in life feel like im being pulled back at the momment but dont know what by.
i hope you keep well thank you for your advice...i have a feeling you are an insperation to many people in your area.
****************************************************************
God is wonderful & He truly knows & loves us. He knew that I needed the opportunity to share my faith with another so as to strengthen my own convictions, to affirm His love & trust & awareness of me & in so doing help another along the way. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is joy, happiness, love & the ability to overcome all interwoven with our 'personally tailored trials' of mortality.
It reminds me of the following the lyrics by Josh Groban:
"Thankful"
"Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.
Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.
Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more
There's so much to be thankful for."
Posted by Ashley at 1:00 AM 4 comments
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Lovin' Little Cottonwood...
Really, I mean what isn't to love? Steepest terrain in North America, skiing with the best of the best, knee deep powder--thanks to the Lake effect & lowest water content--making it just like powdered sugar... I must agree with Brigham Young when he said, "this is the place!"
Posted by Ashley at 12:37 AM 1 comments
Friday, January 9, 2009
Blessings of a Wonderful Week!
So many great things! School! I love to learn! My classes are incredible--just what I want to be studying. Applying myself isn't difficult--it is what I would be doing in my spare time anyway! Family! I got messages from Sydney, Stockton & Samantha today! Brad called! Got an e-mail from Laurel & got to enjoy a wonderful dinner with my mom! I came home from a very productive day, got a ride from a good friend--home in time to meet my mom in the parking lot :) Baby Mo's Onsie arrived from Disney World--Princess in training--if you will--and I will! Seeing Bronco Mendenhall at Magleby's--Magleby's is wonderful! Seeing my old boss Deena who is incredible! Good memories--good friends! Good food! An invitation to come back & work! Sweet and inspired conversation from my amazing cousin Brookie! A new dryer!!! The heating element has been out for over a month--yeah for soft dry clothes!!! The Sunshine! An awesome talk with an old friend yesterday in the library--and an email from her today! Texts & messages from so many people I love--feeling the prayers of those I love! Having weak things strengthened! Realizing as I am in many of the classes I was in when Scott died--that the time is right for me to be finishing up. Loving even my finance class! Greater faith! Feeling inspired when I studied! The nice girl I didn't know that smiled at me in the library! A library locker! Choir!!! And an invitation to the service choir--we sing at rest homes and detention centers and invite others to seek & experience the Love of God! The settlement check from Allstate! Good health! Good friends! The chance to go skiing again! A beautiful sunset! A great party with old friends--making new ones! Inside jokes! Snowball fights! Gold leather sandels in January! Good men holding the door all day! Incredible resources! Fantastic roommates! Cleanliness! New clients! Returning clients! Humor! When the corners of my lips turn toward Heaven in Joy! Confidence that the Lord knows & loves me & that He has a plan for me. That He knows my weaknesses & has provided the opportunity for them to become strong in & through the Atonement of Jesus Christ! The opportunity to bear testimony of Jesus Christ to a few dear loved ones this week! A knowledge that through opposition wonderful blessings & experiences have come into my life! The blessing of adversity! 'An actual knowledge that the course of life [I] am pursuing is acceptable to the Lord' & 'reception of the blessings of the Lord that are available to man [and woman] in this life!' Gratitude for personal growth & the things that I have learned. Love for my Heavenly Father! Gratitude for repentance--an actual change in the direction of life that is possible--today & everyday for each & every person. It isn't just for the people that have visible mistakes, or the ones that have huge trials or sins--but for every person--everyday--with a desire to become better--more like God. Perfect balance of all emotion, perfect knowledge, perfect employment of talents, gifts & laws, perfect obedience--to even the laws He created. Perfect understanding--perfect love. In thinking of this notion of 'perfect' I can either allow myself to be disabled, discouraged & disheartened--because I know I am not perfect--or--I can take the definition of perfect as 'whole' or 'complete' and I can couple that with the perfect example--even Jesus Christ--accept His truths--His love--His gifts--His power--and allow myself to be enabled in and through His infinite power.
I often contemplate just how the dark times fit into the 'plan of happiness' and then I think about how Christ is the Light and life of the world--coupled with my training in the visual arts--I look how the darkness enhances the capacity of the light to shine--how the shadow creates a frame of reference for the light & vibrance of the picture. How what was once flat & lacking depth--comes to life as shadows beset the canvas. I think of the darkest times in my life--that have set the stage for the light & life of the world to redeem me from my fallen state. I look to Jesus Christ as my Savior, Redeemer & Friend--truly I can say as it is sung--'The Lord is My Light'
'The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?
By day & by night his presence is near.
He is my salvation from sorrow & sin;
This blessed assurance the spirit doth bring.
Chorus:
The Lord is my light;
He is my joy & my song.
By day & by night
He leads me along.
The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,
faith stronger than sight,
looks up thru the skies where Jesus forever doth reign.
Then how can I ever in darkness remain?
The Lord is my light; The Lord is my strength.
I know in His might I'll conquer at length.
My weakness in mercy He covers with pow'r,
And, walking by faith, I am blest every hour.
The Lord is my light, my all and in all.
There is in His sight no darkness at all.
He is my Redeemer, my Savior & King.
With Saints & with angels his praises I'll sing.
Posted by Ashley at 11:08 PM 1 comments
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Some Thoughts as I study World Religions...
As I am learning about Jewish culture from a devote Orthodox Jew, I am reminded to go to the source and seek answers. How many times as a missionary doctrines would not have been misunderstood of someone desiring to know about the gospel of Jesus Christ had come to us-rather than the nearest anti-Mormon literature or proponent of conflict.
It is interesting to learn the whys associated with other religions & cultures. For instance, never knowing what the sukkah was-- and learning about the meaning behind it increases my appreciation for the Jewish people--and what they do. Author Greenberg states that "the sukkah s a reminder to all generations that God redeemed the people of Israel from Egypt. Like a loving caring parent He caused them to live temporarily in booths that sheltered them from the elements." To see that it is for the Jewish faith a sort of type & shadow of God's love helps me to better understand their practices.
It is as President Hinckley (former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said in speaking of our friends of other faiths, "Look for their strengths & their virtues, and you will find strength & virtues that will be helpful in your own life."
How true that is in relationships with all people--if only we were to look for the strengths & virtues in all people, of all faiths & ethnicity's & to seek to learn and grow and become better as a result of what we learned--we would make the world a better place as we ourselves became better more tolerant, well-rounded & loving people.
Posted by Ashley at 1:13 PM 1 comments
A Wonderful New Semester!
It is a great feeling to be back @ BYU, in the thick of my major classes & reveling in new friendships while savoring long-lasting quality relationships. Just yesterday I sat studying the teachings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ--realizing I am able to do it while pursuing a degree. To be led by President Samuelson--a general authority of Christ's Church--to start classes with prayer--inviting the spirit of the Lord that together we may be edified. I know that I am in the right place at the right time & studying just what the Lord would endorse I study to best utilize my talents & abilities. so many things that I have come to love & appreciate & develop over the past 2 years--my love of teaching the gospel, my love of service, my appreciation for counseling & increased knowledge of resources. My love for home & family, my experiences nannying & time spent in Florida healing. I have greater self-confidence & motivation to accomplish great things than ever before. On the way back from a party Tuesday--even the billboards spouted sonnets of inspiration: make miracles happen!
I see miracles happening all around me--and am a part of so many. My life has brought me to this point capable of accomplishing so much good. And out of many of the trials of the past few years--greater joy & accomplishment than I could have dreamt--have been--and are being realized. Reading in 2 Corinthians Chapter 8, verse 2: How that in great trial of affliction the abundance of their joy & their deep poverty abounded in the riches of their *liberality (*FTGR sincerity, purity of mind generosity.)
There are so many good things & incredible opportunities all around me--it is like finally seeing the bigger picture. Actually wanting to be here. Knowing who I am, where I am going & what I want. *Note from BYU devo. Having the earning capacity to go to school full-time and work 10 hours a week & still provide for myself. Facing the unfinished classes from when I got hit by the truck & Scott died. Seeing how all these things truly have come together for my experience & good. having greater more enduring faith in Jesus Christ than ever before. Accomplishing my dreams--studying family life to attend grad school in counseling, singing in choir, skiing, helping people enjoy a greater sense of well-being through my job. Enjoying my family--so excited for 'Mo' to be born--and so happy to be closer to Brad & Abby. I'm so thankful for the life experiences they have had & shared with me & inspired that i hold strong to the ideal. Being so close to the temple & working there--learning each week how to create & pattern a house of the Lord. Experiencing greater joy than ever before!
I'm taking a religion in the home class--we study many world religions--from those faithfully practicing those faiths--and my life is being enriched so much as I better understand others beliefs, rituals & righteous traditions. As I come to learn more the Jewish culture it only increases my desire to study in the Holy Land, it enhances my great love for those I got to know in Florida--I think I was the only Christian in my building--and I definitely brought the average age down a good 25 years :)
So much more to come--
Posted by Ashley at 11:37 AM 0 comments
Monday, January 5, 2009
Ode to Christianne...
Christianne is ALIVE!!!
How grateful I am that my best friend is alive!
Christianne came down yesterday to pick a friend up from the airport--and to see me :) We were able to spend some quality time together--I love her! It was a bit of a rough day and I wanted to climb in bed by about 8p... but studied, visited with some friends, studied & was actually in bed by 10:30p.
Just after 11:15p I awoke from a deep sleep with the impression to call Christianne and tell her to to sleep at my mom's house in Bountiful.
Tonight Christianne called and told me that she had been in an accident just this side of the Idaho border around 2a and they had rolled her little car 3 times.
I felt awful. I apologized--remembering that I had that impression to call her--that I knew she shouldn't drive home. She told me I had called her and left a message. She'd also had numerous impressions to pull over & get a hotel, or slow down, or not push it etc--AND she had also read to me from the book 'Not My Will, But Thine Be Done' while she was here...
Some lessons may come in a painful way--but just the fact that she was able to walk away from the accident, that both she & the girl with her are alive & well. That they felt impressed to get a ride from a man going to Idaho Falls, who actually took them all the way to Rexburg--thank you to the good people everywhere--and especially to that man who didn't just drive past someone I love with it being a 20-zero night along the highway--thank you! Thanks to CHristianne's friend Dustin who followed the impression of the spirit to get up & pray for her at 2:30 this morning.
Such gratitude fills my heart for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ that allows us the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost--guidance, comfort, direction from a member of the Godhead--at all times & in all places & in all things.
I can't imagine my life without Christi. Truthfully, it was only hours before this accident that she & I were telling Brian & Sam how we met, how our friendship inspires us to constantly strive for our potential, and how the Lord's hand has been revealed to us in so many ways-it was like Doug asking us last year where we met: "in Heaven." Straight-faced response from Christianne. It's true though--I believe there are kindred friends in this life & that the same sociality exists that existed before we came here & will continue to exist after we leave this mortal life--and so it is for all the good people in my life--thank you! For a good friend & our amazing 'Smith's date' experience--everywhere with us is an experience :) For the beautiful snow, for my wonderful family, for an amazing bishop, for a great home evening group, for the good people in my classes, and for the opportunity to learn & grow & become better!
Posted by Ashley at 10:19 PM 3 comments
Friday, January 2, 2009
SNOW!!!
I love snow! So many great things today... huge falling snow flakes :) More yoga! The impression to take Airborne this morning--not knowing that the friend I was going out with tonight had been sick :) Fresh Florida grapefruit. A good book & a down comforter! Rebecca & Mackay's sealing approval!!! Congrats for the 17th :) The sweetest emails from quality friends, a phone call with Tamara--where she took seriously the 'Costco sized bottle of self confidence' :) I tell you it really works. Catching up with some more old friends I haven't talked to in years--plans to go skiing with a couple really good guys. A wonderful evening, great conversation, getting all dressed up to go out. Wearing gold flip flops in the snow (please note it was not snowing when I got picked up ;) An incredible movie--Forever Strong & yummy hot chocolate afterward. Courtney getting engaged!!! I'm so happy for you! Seeing Brooke & Dave SO happy tonight :) A wonderful, productive & introspective day with big beautiful snow flakes to top it off!
On that movie... so many things touched my heart...I shed a couple silent tears, I won't lie...but you wouldn't have known if I didn't tell you. You have to understand the premise of the movie--the star athlete who makes some bad choices, gets some DUI's, is sentenced to Wasatch JuVD & winds up playing Rugby for Highland. The role the father plays--or doesn't play in the life of his son--so many things rang true of our family, of Scott & his drinking. It made me wish things were different, that my dad hadn't enabled Scott's behavior the way he had--that maybe if he'd had to accept the consequences a little sooner they wouldn't have been a matter of life or death. All the pain & tragedy caused by alcohol... the incredible moral lessons taught in the movie--"let's focus on where you can go, not where you were or are" "he was a real friend--he made me want to be a better person" On losing a loved one "although his body was gone, his spirit is still with me." "I want you to be forever strong on the field so you'll be forever strong off." And then one that really drilled home in my heart--after having all those feelings of frustration toward my father awakened--the lessons taught to Rick about forgiveness: "It took me 40 years to forgive my father Rick--you stand where I stood 40 years ago--don't spend another minute being angry about yesterday--free him & you free yourself." And then in the end "you have a choice here, you either get up & finish this game or you stay down & end up like me."
Right after Scott died, there was a billboard along the 15 in Utah Co. that read: "get back in the game." It was of an injured basketball player--something Scott loved & excelled in--I tried to come close with my 3's ;) I know that the lessons we learn in mortality enable us to better help people, to endure in faith & to become like our Heavenly Father. Just like the head of the JuV center who had been there--he knew how to be there for others--he didn't always have his head screwed on straight, but he sought to be better because of the trials in his life--how great that there are still uplifting movies out there! And my old FHE co-chair was one of the players in the movie--he's amazing--congrats Ian!
Posted by Ashley at 11:00 PM 0 comments
Don't Put Off for Tomorrow the Things that Can be Done Today
A great article my mom shared with me--thanks mom! Isn't it encouraging? What a great start to the New Year!
"10 Things You Can Do Differently Today
By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
December 26, 2006
Every year at about this time, magazines, newspapers and websites (including ours!) publish their usual articles on how to keep your New Year’s resolutions. We all seem to forget that many people — perhaps even most of us — make such resolutions partly in jest, partly understanding that while our intentions are good, they are not meant to be hard and fast rules.
So this year, we thought we’d try and do something a little different. Instead of offering you 10 things you can do to help keep your resolutions, we’re going to share with you 10 things you can do differently today that will help change your life. None of these will blow your mind, but they will help make a positive impact.
1. Change your routine. Sometimes all we need in our lives is to alter something in our daily routines that hasn’t been working for a long time. We convince ourselves it would be too difficult to change, or that it would require something we don’t have. Making the commitment to change, however, often brings about insight — and resources — that we don’t always initially have.
2. Eat better. While not exactly a revolutionary suggestion, eating just a little better than you have in the past can have a significant impact in your life. We’re not saying do away with the fast food altogether or switch to eating nothing but bran flakes for the rest of your life. But make a commitment to everyday choices that are just a little healthier for you. For instance, opt for a smaller cheeseburger instead of the Big Mac. Eat two cookies instead of five. Eat one day at Subway instead of Burger King or McDonald’s. Don’t deny yourself the pleasures of eating, just try and make healthier decisions everyday when it comes to your food choices.
3. Have a real conversation. So much of our everyday activities are driven by things outside of our perceived control — going to school, work, or taking care of the kids. We seem to be pawns in a life not of our own making sometimes. One way to regain a little sense of control is to stop and have a real conversation with someone about something meaningful. Not every day. Not every conversation. Maybe just once a week, with a friend, a coworker, or your significant other. Talk about something important to you, something meaningful. You’d be surprised at having such regular, real conversations can help better ground you in your life and give it some meaning.
4. De-clutter. Nearly everyone has a clutter problem. While some people seem to have magical abilities removing clutter from their lives, the rest of us seem to live in a constant state of mostly manageable clutter levels. And that’s fine. Nobody should attempt to be Mary Poppins if their lives more often are akin to a tornado’s passing through a town. But if you make a conscious effort to reduce the amount of clutter, that can help you feel more in control of your life. For instance, deal with junk mail the minute you pick it up (don’t keep stacking it until it resembles the leaning tower of Pisa!). Have your children put their own things away once a week. Ask your significant other to help out with de-cluttering your life just a little bit.
5. Exercise. Yeah, yeah, we all know we should exercise more (unless you’re already hitting the gym 5 times a week!), and we all vow we will. But did you know a simple 15 minute walk every day will help significantly improve your long-term health? You don’t need a gym membership to stay a little more fit than you are today. Sometimes people feel the only way they can do something is if they do it 110%. But the easier solution is to find that 15 minutes a day to do something simpler and more likely to happen.
6. Listen more. We all think we listen when others talk to us, and most of the time, we do. But in this fast-paced, multitasking world, we often don’t really listen when someone speaks to us. The closer the person is to us, the more we often don’t really listen to what they’re saying. You can’t just stop not listening, because it’s something most of us have inadvertently learned to do over the years. We pretend (even to ourselves) that we’re listening, but we’re actually doing something on the computer, watching TV, or reading an article or book. Be a little more aware of when you’re doing this, and stop yourself from doing it once in awhile. Listen. While you may think that what you’re doing is more important than what the other person is saying, you may also find that the other person’s words have meaning… If for no other reason than because they are coming from someone you care about.
7. Have some fun. Some of us are very good about having fun, and doing it regularly. But some of us, especially as we get older, forget to have fun. We think we’re having fun watching TV or playing a video game — and some of us really are — but many times we use these activities as stand-ins for actual pleasure. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that you should also make room in your life for real fun too! While there’s a time and place for taking life seriously, there’s an equal time and place for forgetting your troubles for a few hours a week and really enjoying yourself.
8. Enjoy the journey. Many of us are so focused on getting to where we’re going or where we think we should be going that we forget that the journey is often just as important (and fun!). Life is a full-time, 100% learning experience. Even when we think we’re in the midst of the most mind-numbing, repetitive and boring experience, life is trying to teach us something. The problem is that a lot of the time we don’t realize this. We negate the experience, and in the process, we negate a part of our lives. Embrace the journey, even if it’s just once in awhile, and understand that everything is a part of living a full and meaningful life.
9. Read an entire article. The Internet has been a wonderful boon to our lives, opening up doors and breaking down barriers that have plagued our society in so many different areas. But in one area, it has dealt us a bit of a setback — reading skills. The Internet values the interconnections (or “surfing”) one makes back and forth, all over the world, from website to website. But it doesn’t value sitting there and reading a full-length article from start to finish. Whether you do it online or in a local newspaper or magazine, sit and read an entire article, from start to finish. It teaches us to value good writing (rather than what passes for writing on so much of the Internet), appreciate the nuances of a well-told story and a very good writer, and often challenges us to think outside of our comfort zone. Skimming articles – what most people do online – gives us the gist of the information with none of the nuance or character of careful reading.
10. Try another stress relief. Like all patterns of behavior, we often adopt behaviors over time without giving them much thought. If it comes naturally, it must be okay. How we deal with stress is one of those things that we learn by watching others in our life — on TV, our parents, and our friends. We learn to do positive things, such as exercise or writing in a journal, as well as negative stress relievers, such as drinking too much or bottling it up inside ourselves, letting it simmer. Look at how others around you deal with stress and pick just one different, positive way of dealing with stress and try it out. It may feel a little unnatural at first, but give it a week or two and you may find it is another helpful alternative to place in your stress relief arsenal.
And remember to live. Aren’t we doing that already? How can I do that differently? You know, so many of us spend our lives in “quiet desperation.” That is, we live from day to day without giving much thought to our lives’ meaning. We yearn to do something more, something different, but most of us never spend much effort to achieving that. But you can take little steps, instead of giant strides, to live a life that has more meaning to you. What that meaning is, only you can decide. But instead of putting off getting to that meaning, you can make a start — today — toward it.
Perhaps you’d like to be in a different career, so start thinking about the careers that interest you. Perhaps you’d like to be in a new relationship, so start thinking about what qualities you truly appreciate in another person. Perhaps you’d like to be a better parent, so start finding little ways you can improve your parenting skills. Perhaps you’d like to write a poem or book, so start writing — it doesn’t have to have form or function, just desire.
Sometimes the greatest challenge we face in changing something about our lives is the actual act of doing. We put up barriers within ourselves to stop ourselves from even trying to do something different, because we believe we will fail, it is too difficult to change, or it will take too long. We never even start.
So don’t start today. Don’t start tomorrow. But start just one of these things within the next month, and you’ll find that you will succeed if you only try."
Posted by Ashley at 11:43 AM 0 comments
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Thanks be to God & all the Wonderful people in my life!
My heart is filled with gratitude for all the blessings in my life. It is, as Joe Saviano reminds me, what you focus on that expands. As I open my eyes today to all the good people and blessings around me, tears well in my eyes and I feel unable to accurately express my appreciation for all that I have.
Waking up to light! I love the sun, and the symbolism of Christ--the way, the truth the light, & life of the world & of my life! I started my day with a morning session of Yoga, prayer & study of the gospel--thanks to Christianne & Niki for such a thoughtful gift that has already brought greater joy, peace, focus & centering into my life--I love you both! I got to talk to Christianne this morning--It makes a great way to start the day--she always brings out the best in me & I hope I encourage her in a similar way. When I told her about sharing the gospel with Mary she told me how she'd given like 6 Books of Mormon away since we last spoke--I can't keep up with her--but I'll live everyday to try. I can't picture my life without her--I only moved to Florida because my heart was broken after Scott died--but the Lord blessed me in ways I never could have imagined--nor adequately thank Him, or the people that have changed my life for the better. The blessing of a clean & organized room! I've never had my own room at school until this semester--and yesterday I scoured the place--bleaching the walls, detailing the moldings, sanitizing & disinfecting it all--I love cleanliness! I think my spirit is able to function better! Then a nice hot shower (when we lived in Italy--we didn't have hot water--trust me--it's a blessing :) Freshly shaven legs--any woman knows that's a great blessing, time to get ready & new Sephora from Christmas in Boca! And a great conversation with my roommate Michelle who shared with me her perfect New Years date--Thanks Michelle! Then my mom came down bringing me all kinds of wonderful treats--books & articles filled with light & truth & encouragement. She brought my exercise ball & all kinds of things to make the semester start even more smoothly :) Thanks mom! Then we went and ran errands--and I got a down comforter for Christmas--who doesn't want to sleep sweetly each night?!? I got a new battery for an old camera--and took pictures--you know the kind that uses film--wow--I wonder if I should save it for my children so they know just how old I am ;) Then we went to Babies R Us & got a shower gift for 'Mo' my sweet little unborn niece--I can't wait to see her--I love Brad & Abby & Mo & am so thankful to be close when she's born & to shower her with love! It is a great blessing to be close to my family this year, they've been so kind as I cared for a broken heart & engagement. They've shown such understanding & empathy as I've grieved the loss of my best friend--thank you! I ran into one of my best friends & her new husband @ Target--I love Michelle & Jamie and am so happy for them--they inspire me never to settle for less than the ideal! A phone call from my best friend from the ward and her new husband--I love you Brooke & Dave, It brings me great joy to see you so happy! A phone call from another best friend Rebecca--what can I say--I'm surrounded by the best! I love she & Mackay & so many blessings have come through my friendship with her--some crazy stories & apartment tales as well--but overall just love & blessings all over the place! A phone call from a woman from my mission--I love her! What a blessing it was to serve the Lord & to gain eternal friendships! Another call from a companion yesterday that just thinking about makes me smile--oh Sister Staiger I Love you! A sweet message from River filled with understanding and love. Catching up with a great old friend from Boca that moved--even Facebook can be a blessing! Good uplifting music--and wonderful prophetic encouragement from Elder Holland! An amazing dinner with mom @ Magelby's--and seeing a lot of blessings from when I worked there--being able to express my gratitude to Doc & his appreciation for it after a long hard day. When you apply there, you turn in a life sketch--all that you've done and are doing for good in the world--and when he looked over my application--he hired me on the spot & said--"she's the all-American wonderful LDS girl--how could I not want her here?" When you walk through the door there is a book of mormon in every language on the shelf and family pictures adorning the walls--the spirit is there--and so are many good people & memories. Truman Madsen used to come in each week & tell me stories of my aunt & uncle who served with he & Ann back East. President Child & his wife were there tonight--he was my stake President just after Scott died--and has definitely mastered caring for the one--I knew that God loved me & was aware because of the way my leaders extended His love to me--his cousin is my home ward bishop who was our home teacher for 10 years before that--what can I say... inactive part member families get the best of the best--Bishop Child was my first good example of a stalwart man that really cared for those he served--thank you! He even offered to get the whole ward to execute the wedding if manpower was needed--he and his whole family came to support the AFSP event in SLC that I chaired this year & donated great things from RC Willey--Thank you! The friendly man from LA who chatted with us over the USC game for 15 minutes--made me smile. Warm rolls & raspberry lemonade Mmmm! If you've ever eaten at Magelby's--you know they're wonderful! Marking calenders with my mom--that was one of my favorite activities we would do when I was little--stickers scattered all over the table, remembering everyone's birthdays--once we hear them--we'll know it forever :) With a pen in hand we planned for a wonderful year--and the beautiful calenders that Jami made for us for Christmas with the greatest pictures of my nieces & nephew! Yummy oranges that my mom gave me--that's my favorite part of my Christmas stocking! Eating healthy & not being an emotional eater! Feeling impressed to talk to Christi via facebook (again--it was a blessing--whoa! ;) and looking at the beauty & fun we were able to capture in Florida & skiing Utah. Seeing incremental improvement with that 'Costco sized bottle of self confidence.' :) Wishing everyone I saw a Happy New Year! The nice guy at Target, we talked about how we live in a dessert here ;) Humidifiers are amazing--almost as good as a beach--OK not really--but it's still a great blessing! The greatest bishop ever who checked in on me & who has really helped me learn about God's love for each one of us! Reminiscing over memories with Steph & that she'll be home in 3 months! I love she & Max & they've been such a blessing in my life as they have followed the spirit & encouraged me in word & example! Seeing a post on Elder Simakov's wall from someone he taught the gospel to--and how wonderful he is doing--and his very thoughtful letter this week--thank you! Wrapping up the day with an evening dose of Yoga--on the mat my mom gave me for Christmas! Thanks again to everyone--especially the Lord--for a wonderful day! Being filled with appreciation and love for my Heavenly Father as I have felt strength from the prayers of those I love & as I have turned my heart to God--I love Him. He is my father, and although I do not have someone who acts as a father here in mortality--God has always taken his place and blessed my life in real & concrete ways that only my true father could--Thank you!
Posted by Ashley at 11:20 PM 1 comments
The Best is Yet to Come: 2009!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
This year I am doing things a little differently... no fad or short lived unreasonable goals for the new year; rather, I am going to focus my efforts on experiencing joy & happiness each day--sharing it with those around me--and thanking God for all things.
I plan to strive each day to become better than the day before, and to more consistently employ daily, weekly & monthly planning & goal setting to achieve great things. I will continue to dream & then work each day to accomplish those dreams.
I will wake each day by 6:30am, run (bike, swim, cardio etc.) & study my scriptures & then apply myself to whatever comes with the rising sun.
I plan to accomplish many wonderful things for the Lord this coming year & throughout my life, allowing Him to refine & mold me as I develop the gifts & talents I have been blessed with. The greatest desire of my heart is to be a wife & mother & to help those I love attain exaltation & live with our Father in Heaven. I will do all that I can to prepare spiritually, physically, emotionially, socially, educationally, vocationally, & financially for those blessings. I am auditioning for BYU's Women's Chorus this week, training for the St. George Marathon & Wasatch Back, going to BYU Jerusalem, taking the personal finance course @ BYU, I will continue to build & maintain a sucessful massage business, I am taking the photography class @ BYU & will continue to pursue that interest. I will improve my support of loved ones in the mission field & continue to go out with the full-time missionaries & strengthen those I've been privliged to share the gospel with.
I Love the Lord Jesus Christ & feel His love now more than ever before. I see His hand in all things and appreciate His atoning sacrifice as never before. I guess you could say that in the process of being completely broken--I am better prepared with a broken heart & contrite spirit than ever before. I trust that the Lord knows what is best for me & will continue to strengthen & guide me as I seek & follow Him in faith. I'm excited for all the joy & happiness that awaits us this year--God bless!
Posted by Ashley at 1:25 AM 1 comments
A Wonderful Year: 2008
This has been a wonderful year of growth & learning & love.
I have learned to better celebrate life. *December 30, 2008
It was this time last year that I was driving from Florida to Utah.
As I drove back to many painful memories, uncertainties, & a lot of unfinished goals...I looked ahead to 2008 with a great deal of anxiety & apprehension but I wanted to do great things, I wanted to know who I was & where I was headed.
I wanted to improve my relationships with my family members, I intended to finish my last few classes @ BYU. I wanted to date good men. I knew a lot of what I didn't want--particularly being around so few that shared my faith in Jesus Christ & enthusiasm for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I wanted to be able to support myself financially, I wanted to settle the Allstate mess from when their client hit me while jogging, I planned to establish a chapter for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention here in Utah, I sought healing from my brother's death & many answers, I wanted to be able to forgive myself for not saving his life & to move on healthily & pursue my dreams. I wanted to improve how I felt about myself. I knew it was time to come back & face the things that occurred prior to my sabbatical to south Florida.
What I learned was to 'let go & let God.'
I learned to trust that all the righteous desires of my heart will be realized in the Lord's due time & that all too often I want it my way. I have learned so much from the things in my life I hadn't planned for and couldn't see this year...
*the trials in my life have brought me closer to my family than I even knew possible.
*The people the Lord placed in my life & allowed me to remain in contact with are the greatest blessing of all.
*Massage school provided many growing opportunities & an earning capacity that allows me to continue my education without all the fear & anxiety.
*Working in the temple continues to teach me many of the things I need to establish my own house--now and in the future.
*I was able to act as AFSP Event Chair for SLC & complete the necessary requisites for a chapter to be established here--including the very successful first annual 5K.
*I was blessed to love & serve the sisters in the Relief Society again & employ many things I learned from my imperfections the first time around.
*I got to spend wonderful time with my nieces & nephew while they visited this spring & summer.
*I have gotten so excited for Brad & Abby's baby to arrive--soon!
*I have gotten to spend some truly wonderful time with my mom.
*I have moved into a wonderful ward where I feel at home & am able to love & serve many people.
*I have dejunked my life--giving many things to charity & throwing away a lot as well.
*I settled the Allstate claim December 24th! It took the whole year...
*I got accepted to return & finish BYU.
*I have learned to love & respect myself.
*I have had the opportunity to date a couple of incredible guys & really get to know them this year & to see much more clearly what I want in an eternal companion & what I expect of myself.
*I have found great peace & healing through the atonement of Jesus Christ & service to others & answers relative to Scott's death.
*I learned that through faith I truly can endure all things. There is no darkness that the rising sun does not penetrate, no wound that cannot be healed, no offense that cannot be forgiven, no pain that cannot be endured--through Christ--all things are possible.
*I work diligently to maintain good emotional, physical & spiritual health.
*I know who I am & where I am headed.
*I have learned to accept my best effort & have overcome many perfectionistic tendancies.
*I have improved my strivings to please God & not others.
*I have learned to say no, and not plead my case as to why.
*I have learned that I am capable of loving unconditioanlly.
*I have improved through repentance & truly changing my heart, actions & course in life.
*I have learned the difference between wants & needs & I have learned to go without.
*I have become much more assertive, setting aside passive aggressive behavior.
*I have set healthy boundaries & maintained them while establishing independance.
*I have become less sarcastic & cynical--much more authentic.
*I am more consistent & unwavering.
*I have cultivated greater faith in Jesus Christ & had hundreds of opportunities to share His love with those around me.
*I have increased in consistently following the impressions of the spirit.
*I have learned to better see the Lord's hand in my life & record those blessings.
*I have learned about the agency of those I love & I have respected it.
*I have learned to dream again.
*I have worked to accept love & feel worthy of the Love of others.
*I have visited my mission & the people I love in Washington.
*I have visited Florida & the people I love there.
*I was able to see the LDS Recovery groups established throughout the peninsula that Christianne & I worked so hard to see implemented.
*I was able to bring many weaknesses to God, accept my humanity & allow Him to make me better than I was before.
*I am a work in progress & look forward to another wonderful year of joy, happiness, learning & growth--Afterall it's all about finding the 'joy in the journey'!!!
Posted by Ashley at 1:23 AM 1 comments